Du Barry Was a Lady Page #6

- My son!

- I'm sorry, sire.

You're sorry?

The stork that brought him

must have been part wolf.

- Hiya, Pop.

- Hey, men don't kiss men.

They do in France, Pop.

What do I do now?

Let him wear my fraternity pin?

Hey, where'd you get

all those beautiful girls?

You give them to me for Christmas,

and all the time I wanted a pony.

- Hey, how old are you, son?

- Thirty-two.

Thirty... I'm only 28.

Hey, this don't make sense.

Come here, I want to talk to you.

Hey... Will you come here?

I want to have a fatherly talk with you.

Oh, now, I know all about

the birds and the bees...

No, no, not that.

What's the setup around here?

Am I really the king?

Anybody that says you ain't, dies.

Will you put that thing away

before you put somebody's eye out?

- Now sit down.

- No, I gotta go. My wife's waiting.

- Your wife? Who's she?

- Marie Antoinette.

Well, if you're married,

why are you chasing around those girls?

Because I want to be like you, Pop.

Now, is that the way

to talk to your father? Sit down.

- Tell me, have I got a girl?

- Have you got a...

Are you kidding, Pop?

First there was Madam Pompadour,

then the Duchess de Chateauroux,

and then Countess Jailbait.

How about the queen?

- Gee, I've had quite a past, haven't I?

- I like the girl you got now best.

Yeah? Who is she? Anybody I know?

- Everybody knows. Madam Du Barry.

- Du... Du Barry's my girl.

- How am I doing with her?

- How are you...

- Oh, Papa.

- No kidding.

We are nearing

Madam Du Barry's house, sire.

- Gee, I hope she's in.

- He hopes she's in.

- Hey, do I look all right?

- Does he look all right.

Hey, would you say

she was crazy about me?

Would he say she was crazy about you.

Look, sonny, I want an answer,

not an echo.

He wants an echo.

Thank you.

- A thousand pardons, Your Majesty.

- Oh, it's not your fault.

Cars 200 years from now

don't have running boards, either.

- Here, Pop, you might need this.

- Thanks.

- What a defense plant that would make.

- Beautiful, isn't it?

It's the nicest one

you've bought Madam Du Barry.

Yeah? Let's see,

how many have I bought her now?

Two palaces, four castles,

10 chateaus and a cottage.

Oh, no trailer, huh?

Good luck to you, sire,

and I'll call for you at the usual hour.

Oh, the usual hour.

Of course, you'll let me know

when you get here.

Greetings, chum. Open her up.

Sire.

- Du Barry in there?

- Yes, sire.

- You think I ought to knock?

- Not you, sire.

Well, take the afternoon off.

I'll see you around sometime.

- Thank you, sire.

- Fools!

You blundering fools!

Soldiers you call yourselves.

You're more like schoolboys.

And the next time I give a command,

I want it carried out.

- Yoo-hoo.

- Shut up, you idiot.

This is your last chance.

You find the man I want

and bring him here, to me.

Well, personally,

I think you have enough men here now.

What is this, the boudoir or the barracks?

Search every house in France.

The Black Arrow must be found

or I'll have your head.

But, Madame, this man, he's very clever.

I don't want excuses.

I said I want that man for the last time.

Well, if I were sure it was the last time...

No, you've already got a man.

It's me, and I'm against hoarding.

Hey, take a furlough.

Left face.

At the double, forward march.

The royal flowers from the royal garden

into your royal arms.

And right in your royal kisser.

How dare you insult me

in front of the help?

Well, how would you feel if your girl

used your army to catch men for her?

- It ain't ladylike.

- So that's what you think of me.

I'm sorry. I'm just jealous.

I haven't been myself lately.

The whole world knows

I'm madly in love with you.

- So they tell me.

- Louis, listen.

There's something been going on lately

that I think you should know about.

Last night, a man sneaked

into my bedroom while I was asleep

and pinned this note to my pillow.

"Madam, you have ignored our demands.

"Before we take definite action,

we warn you the longer you delay,

"the greater the price you will pay. "

The finance company.

I used to get a lot of these things.

"Be wise, Madame.

Save the honor of France.

"End your scandalous alliance

with the King. "

- That don't sound like a finance company.

- I'll tell you who it's from.

It's from that rabble-rousing, jealous,

night-riding sneak, the Black Arrow.

Can't place him.

This rebellious dog

has been threatening me for months.

Ever since you and I became friends.

Oh, that's a good one.

Could His Majesty have a little kiss?

- What about the Black Arrow?

- Let him get his own girl.

So you refuse to deal with this menace.

Look, he left right after pinning the note,

didn't he?

He's no menace. He's nuts.

- And so am I, about you.

- Oh, Louis, don't do that again.

Oh, now, wait a minute. I only want a kiss.

Why don't you stop this stuff?

We've got to get together.

According to history, I'm supposed to be

the greatest lover in all France.

- Oh, Louis, what's gotten into you?

- Love.

There you are.

Louis, you must control yourself!

Here's an apple, a nice red one.

Louis!

Don't you know the king can do no wrong?

That's my plan.

Sit down, will you?

This ain't a love affair, it's a track meet.

Louis, this sort of thing must stop.

Every time you come here,

you chase me all around the room.

I do?

I'm sorry if I rushed you,

but I may be dreaming

and I wanted to catch you

before I woke up.

Well, this must stop. It's wearing me out.

Ain't doing the carpets any good, either.

Oh, honey, you're just unstrung.

But this ain't.

Oh, Louis,

are you gonna play that thing again?

Would you accept this little token?

Oh, darling.

You really shouldn't have done it.

- Oh, Louis, I just can't accept this.

- Oh, please, do.

- Oh, no, really, I just can't accept this.

- All right then, give it back.

- This must be worth a fortune, isn't it?

- Sure, but I can afford it.

All I do is tax the people.

- But there's no tax on kissing.

- Oh, Louis, I'm afraid.

Suppose the Black Arrow

makes good his threat.

That guy is a rut in the road to romance.

Someday his head will decorate

the steeple of one of my cheapest palaces.

I defy him.

- Can't you see I'm hungry for a kiss?

- You're just hungry.

Come on, Louis, let's have a crpe suzette.

No, thank you.

No, thank you, no.

I don't mean to be rude

But I'm not in the mood for food

It's lovely, it's tempting

Fit for a king, I know

Your cooking's a work of art

But when you're with me

Why be so la carte?

Madam, I love your crpe suzette

I think your crpe suzette is wonderful

But for the moment, let's forget

All about your crpe suzette

Madam, I love your cheese souffl

I think your cheese souffl is marvelous

But when you look at me that way

How can I eat cheese souffl?

I regret to say

I'm unable to partake of your table

You'd be more delish

Account of you're my favorite dish

Madam, if I don't touch a bite

It's not because I've lost my appetite

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