Duck Soup Page #11

look at stage, and jumps again. She and Chico turn to look

at each other. She, of course, is indignant, while Chico

smiles -- his hand is coming from behind her. She takes the

purse from its hiding place and places it on the ledge of

the box out of Chico's reach. CUT TO:

Ballet dancers' dressing room. The CAMERA PANS

along, showing several of the ballet dancers limbered up by

other dancers.

(This is done as follows: - a girl stands against the wall on

one leg while another girl raises the other leg up and down.)

The CAMERA passes three or four of the girls and comes to a

stop on Vera and Groucho -- the latter is stretching her leg

in the same manner.

Vera

(With exaggerated romance)

I shall dance for you tonight as I've never danced before.

Groucho

This is a fine thing to be doing at my age.

Vera

Are you getting tired?

Groucho

(Still working leg)

Not at all. When I was a boy back on the farm I used to

pump my own water.

CUT TO:
- SHOT taking in the stage and Harpo. Harpo

is in the foreground. On the stage is our hero and his valet.

Valet

(Singing to hero)

Your love is waiting for you, my lord ...

Hero

Fetch my hat - my hat - my hat --

(Harpo tosses him a large hat - possibly a fireman's

hat.)

Hero

(Continuing singing)

Fetch my boots --

(Harpo throws boots on stage)

(Hero continues)

Bring me my sword --

(Harpo throws a sword on stage --)

Hero continues his song while Harpo litters the stage

with various articles - a saddle - a chair, etc....

CUT TO box below - Chico is trying to reach for

pocketbook on ledge but can't get it. He whistles up to

Harpo. Harpo looks down and Chico pantomimes to him to get

the pocketbook, pointing to it. The singing stops and ap-

plause follows -- the orchestra starts a selection -- which

continues through following routine without any singing.

CUT TO box above. Harpo takes out a fishing pole

with a reel on it -- he unwinds reel and the line descends

near box below and lands in a man's hair -- the man occu-

pies an aisle seat in the orchestra -- near Teasdale box.

CUT TO Harpo reeling in. CUT TO man on aisle seat --

The hook has caught onto his toupe and its being pulled off

his head. CUT TO Harpo reeling in with great satisfaction

in the belief that he has the purse -- on the end of the line

comes the toupe. Harpo, astonished, looks down on the vic-

tim who, minus the toupe, now displays a shiny bald pate.

Harpo takes out his fountain pen and releases gadget. The ink

pours down on the bald spot of the man below and spreads

into the form of a toupe parted in the middle. CUT BACK

to Harpo - he places the toupe on the bare back side of

a figure of Cupid carved on the arch. He is now suddenly

attracted by something on the stage -- it is a pool with

a practical fountain in its center. Harpo digs into a

decorative flower box set in a groove in the proscenium arch.

He brings out a real live worm and baits his hook -- stands

up and casts .... the line swishes through the air and the

hook lands in the pool on the stage. The line instantly

tightens and a large carp fish is yanked out of the pool....

as the line is drawn in the fish nearly hits Mrs. Teasdale.

She covers her face with her hands. Chico takes advantage

of her action, grabs the line, removes the fish, and puts

hook on handle of purse.... then signals Harpo with a

whistle and in the manner of a construction foreman, motions

to him to start "hoisting". The line becomes taut and the

purse is yanked out of view. Mrs. Teasdale uncovers her

face and discovers that the purse is missing.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Hysterically)

My purse -- my purse is gone!

There is a buzz of excitement among the rest of

the guests as they help Mrs. Teasdale look for the purse.

Chico joins in the search. He grabs an elderly dignified

man in the party, throws back his coat and starts to frisk

him.

Chico

He no got it ---

(As he turns to frisk another man, Mrs. Teasdale

says)

Mrs. Teasdale

This is dreadful -- I must see His Excellency at once ---

(She exits from box)

CUT TO ballet dancers' dressing room, where we

find Groucho still pumping away on Vera Trentino's leg ---

Vera

Are you sure you're not tired?

Groucho

Tired! I'd like to stretch this into a week -

(Mrs. Teasdale enters the scene. The sight

shocks her but she recovers herself suf-

ficiently to hide the embarrassment.)

Mrs. Teasdale

I hope I'm not interrupting.

Groucho

(Still pumping - looks over his shoulder at

Mrs. Teasdale)

Take a seat -- you're next.

(He lets go of Vera's leg - and she exits)

Mrs. Teasdale

Your Excellency, something terrible has just happened.

Groucho

That's all right. I'll fix you right up.

(Grabs her ankle and starts to lift her leg -

she gets away from him.)

Mrs. Teasdale

My purse has been stolen -- the plans of war are in it.

Groucho

(Shouts)

WHAT ?

(Walks up and down puffing furiously on his

cigar)

Mrs. Teasdale

I -- I may be wrong, but I suspect the Secretary of War.

Groucho

(Still pacing wildly)

Don't bother me - I'm thinking ---- What was that?

Mrs. Teasdale

I said - I suspect the Secretary of War.

Groucho

(Stopping dead in his tracks)

THIS IS TREASON!!

(Strikes a pose - raising his clenched hands;

then to Mrs. Teasdale scornfully)

What a fool I was to listen to your siren song and fall a

helpless victim under the insidious spell of your ir-

resistible charms --

Mrs. Teasdale

But -

Groucho

(Paying no attention)

You satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered,

dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm

of chaos and oblivion --

(Throws her an arch look)

Not bad, eh?

(Starts for door)

CUT TO:
- stage showing about eight bars Vera

Trentino's solo dance. PAN to lower box - Mrs. Teasdale's

guests are gone but Chico and Harpo are there -- Chico is

examining plans of war.

Chico

This is-a fine - you do a good job - you make-a no

trouble and you waste-a no time. Come on, we take-a the

plans to the Ambassador. You gotta the address?

(Harpo opens coat and across his shirt front

is the ribbon with "462 North Myrtle Road"

on it -- the door of the box flies open and

Groucho bounds in)

Groucho

Hands up!

(Harpo and Chico throw their hands up and

wheel around)

Chico

(Smiling)

You no gotta no gun.

Groucho

Who said I had a gun ... Gimme those plans, you paper

snatchers --

(He makes a grab at Chico -- Chico passes the

plans to Harpo - Groucho goes after Harpo -

the latter leans away over ledge of box and

holds the plans out over the stage. As

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