Duck Soup Page #10

of Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.

Bob

(Coming into scene)

Father...

Groucho

(Looks up and sees Bob...without being a bit

disturbed...remains on her lap)

Take a letter...

Bob takes out pad and pencil.

Bob

Who to?

Groucho

None of your business... Take another letter.

Groucho rises to his feet and paces the floor in

the manner of a studious business man with his hands behind

his back...then starts to dictate as Bob writes on his pad.

Groucho

Eureka Ammunition Company -- Gentlemen -- Your shipment of

sailor hats arrived this morning by freight --

(Turns to Mrs. Teasdale)

Gloria, I could go for you in a big way --

(Turns to Bob)

However, the rifles you sent were a little rusty --

(Then to Mrs. Teasdale)

-- and I don't say that to everybody --

(Now to Bob)

Have not received last month's drawing account. How come?

(To Mrs. Teasdale)

Your neck is like a swan..... Yours very truly. Now read

it back.

(Dashes back to Mrs. Teasdale's lap)

Bob

(Reading from pad)

Eureka Ammunition Company, Gentlemen. Your shipment of

sailor hats arrived this morning by freight. Gloria, I

could go for you in a big way. However, the rifles you

sent were a little rusty and I don't say that to everybody.

Have not received last month's drawing account; how come

your neck is like a swan. Yours very truly...

Groucho

(Rising to his feet)

They'll know I mean business then they get that letter...

see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too.

Bob

Yes, sir.

(Exits from scene)

Groucho

(Turning to Mrs. Teasdale)

Gloria, much as I hate to leave, I'd be crazy to stay here.

Mrs. Teasdale

Well, if you must go --

She picks up Groucho's hat and hands it to him. He

removes a white rabbit from hat and gives it to her. He

is about to put the hat on his head when something in the

hat attracts his attention. He empties six baby rabbits

out of the hat onto the table; puts his hat on and exits.

CUT TO outside of house just as Harpo is pulling up

to the curb in his motorcycle and sidecar. Groucho comes

out of house and walks directly to motorcycle.

Groucho

(To Harpo)

I'm not taking any more chances. You sit in the sidecar...

Harpo gets off seat and sits in sidecar. Groucho

sits on driver's seat. The sound of the motor is heard and

Harpo drives off in the sidecar, leaving Groucho on the

motorcycle. FADE OUT

END OF SEQUENCE "E"

SEQUENCE "F"

FADE INTO insert of program: -

GEMS FROM THE OPERAS

PREMIER DANSEUSE

VERA TRENTINO:

DISSOLVE - Through program to stage of opera house - company

singing aria from some well-known opera. CUT TO orchestra

box nearest proscenium arch. Harpo and Chico are there fast

asleep leaning on each other. They are dressed in Inverness

capes - wearing their high hats. Chico has a red band across

his shirt-front on which is embossed "Secretary of War" in

gold letters. An usher enters box with two people in the

background.

Usher

(To Chico and Harpo)

I'm sorry gentlemen - but you have the wrong seats.

Chico

(Awakening)

That's all right. We're not enjoying ourselves anyway.

Usher

You belong in that box over there -

(Pointing to vacant box on opposite side

of house - orchestra box)

Chico

(To Harpo)

Come on --

They both step out of box, onto stage and stroll cas-

ually across as singing is going on. Part of the way across,

Harpo and Chico react to the singing of a very high note --

it's practically in Harpo's ear. He stops -- makes a ter-

rible face -- takes out ear-muffs, puts them on his ears and

he and Chico continue toward the box --

CUT TO other box -- the one that Chico and Harpo are

headed for. Mrs. Teasdale and guests are being ushered in...

Chico and Harpo come into scene, arriving at box. Chico steps

into box from stage. Harpo is about to follow when he spies

a pretty girl in box above. He starts climbing up the pro-

scenium arch to upper box -- the girl sees him, screams and

dashes out of box. Harpo completes climb into box -- at this

point the singing has just finished and applause breaks out.

Harpo acknowledges the applause as if it was in appreciation

of his climb -- after a few quick bows he starts out of the

box after the girl. As he is running out of box into the

foyer he bumps into Ambassador Trentino.

Trentino

(Stopping him)

Wait a minute... Mrs. Teasdale is in the box below. The plans

of war are in her purse -- you've got to get them -- I don't

care how, but get them -- and when you do, bring them to 492

North Myrtle Road -- you'd better write that down.

Harpo takes out a pencil with heavy lead and writes the

address on the white and purple-edged silk band which is

across Trentino's shirt bosom. Then he pushes Trentino's coat

aside and from under his vest pulls the ribbon in the manner

of a ticker tape -- tears it off -- and starts back to box.

CUT TO -

Lower box -

Mrs. Teasdale

I wonder what's keeping His Excellency?

Chico

Never mind His Excellency -- you gotta your pocketbook?

Mrs. Teasdale

Yes -- why?

Chico

I wanna powder my nose....

Mrs. Teasdale laughs good-naturedly and puts the purse

behind her (between her back and the back of the chair)...

as we go to stage where the shooting of the apple in "William

Tell" is being enacted. William Tell is just placing the apple

on his son's head -- he turns his back on his son and walks

toward opposite side of stage with bow and arrow. CUT TO

upper box. Harpo takes a look at apple on the boy's head --

reaches down in box and comes up with a bow and arrow. He

takes a good aim and lets the arrow fly... It hits its mark

and the apple falls to the ground. William Tell, having ar-

rived at spot from which he's going to shoot, turns to take

aim and sees that the apple is gone. He picks up another, at

the base of an apple tree and starts in direction of his son.

CUT TO Harpo, who is watching William Tell. He reaches down

into box and brings up another arrow -- takes aim and lets

arrow fly. Again it hits its mark and the apple falls to

ground. William Tell, reaching his place, turns to take

aim and is bewildered at the sight of the second missing

apple. The tree is bare and there are no more apples around.

A whistle is heard coming over scene. William Tell turns in

direction of the whistle and we CUT TO Harpo whistling with

his fingers in his mouth. Reaching down into the box, he

brings up a bag of apples and dumps all the apples onto the

stage. CUT TO:
Lower box.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Anxiously)

If his Excellency doesn't get here soon, he'll miss the whole

performance.

Chico

He's-a not missing anything. He's in the dressing room with

Vera Trentino.

(Winks at her)

Mrs. Teasdale

(Jealously)

In her dressing room? Why, what could he be doing there?

Chico

He could be playing solitaire, but I don't think so.

She jumps as if she's been goosed, and gives Chico

an indignant look as he withdraws his hand from her back.

Mrs. Teasdale

What's the matter with you?

Chico

What's the matter with you?

Mrs. Teasdale

You haven't been still a moment since you've been here.

You act as if you had neurosis --

Chico

I no gotta new-rosis. My uncle he's-a got a flower shop --

he's-a gotta new-rosis.

Mrs. Teasdale looks at him disdainfully, turns to

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