Duck Soup Page #9

She goes the phone... as she starts to dial the number

there is a quick CUT to Trentino and Vera who are exchanging

significant looks....

CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone...

Mrs. Teasdale

(Talking into phone)

Hello, your Excellency?.... I hate to disturb you -- I know

you're a very busy man, but I must see you at once.

CUT TO Groucho at other end of telephone.... He is

lying in bed, in his flannel nightgown, eating crackers...

the bed is strewn with cracker boxes and crackers...

Groucho

(Into phone)

Why not come over here? -- You can come in the back way and

no one'll see you......

CUT BACK to Mrs. Teasdale at phone.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Into phone)

But your Excellency, you must -- oh thank you -- please

hurry....

(She hangs up phone.... and walks over to her guests)

He'll be right over....

CUT TO corner of room (Mrs. Teasdale's living room),

disclosing for the first time the fireman's pole... Groucho

comes sliding down the pole in his nightgown, with a long

box of crackers under his arm... stops about three feet from

the floor, looks around the room and sees Trentino.

Groucho

(Hanging on to pole -- addressing Trentino)

If I knew you were here I would've brought some cheese....

He shoots right up the pole again out of sight. Hold

CAMERA on this shot for an instant.... Groucho comes sliding

down again... this time he is fully dressed, including his

high hat and the cigar in s mouth.... He walks over to

Trentino belligerently, and deposits his hat on table on

the way.

Groucho

(To Trentino)

So -- you've come to ask for clemency! I'll give the enemy

no quarter -- not a dime....

Mrs. Teasdale

But Your Excellency -- the Ambassador is here on a friendly

visit.... He came to ask you to patch up the breach.

Groucho

Let him patch up his own breeches....

Trentino

(To Groucho -- ignoring Groucho's remark)

I'm sorry we lost our tempers... I'm willing to forget if

you are.

Groucho

Forget?

(Like an injured woman)

You ask me to forget... Why, my ancestors would rise from

their graves... and I'd only have to bury them again.... A

Firefly never forgets....

Trentino

I am willing to apologize... I'm willing to do anything to

prevent this war.

Groucho

Nothing doing!! I've taken a lease on the battlefield. I'd

lose my deposit, besides, I've already ordered the ammuni-

tion....

Vera

(Putting her arms around Groucho)

Oh, Your Excellency, isn't there something I can do?

Groucho

Yes, but I'll talk to you about that when we're alone....

Mrs. Teasdale

(Coming to Groucho)

Oh, won't you reconsider...

Groucho

(Relenting)

Well, maybe I am a little headstrong... But, you know, it's

awfully hard to forget what he called me.

(Indicating Trentino)

Trentino

What I called you... Why, what did I call you?

Groucho

I don't remember.

Trentino

(With a little chuckle)

Oh -- you mean... worm?

Groucho

(Smiling coyly)

No, that wasn't it....

Trentino

Was it -- swine?

Groucho

(Same attitude as above)

No...it was a seven letter word.

Trentino

(Thinking, then with a broad smile)

Oh yes! -- UPSTART!

Groucho

That's it...

(Takes gloves from Trentino's breast pocket and

socks him across the face...and puts them in his

own breast pocket. Trentino becomes apoplectic)

Trentino

(Spluttering and stuttering)

Why - er - Mrs. Teasdale - this is an outrage! This man

is impossible... My course is clear... this means war...

(Turns to go and turns and yells to Groucho)

You RUNT!

Groucho

I still like UPSTART the best.

(Trentino exits in a rage. Vera pretends that she

is overcome by the scene)

Vera

(Putting her hand to her brow)

Oh, this is dreadful! If you'll excuse me I'll go to my

room...

(She exits toward stairway)

Mrs. Teasdale

(Excited - almost hysterical)

Yes, it's awful!

(To Groucho)

Are you sure you did the right thing?

Groucho

Of course. Who ever heard of calling off a war after order-

ing all the ammunition?

By this tine Vera has descended the stairs and exited

from scene. Groucho looks around the room furtively to make

sure he is not being observed and takes a large envelope

from his inside pocket.

Groucho

The plans of war are in this envelope. I want you to take

care of them -- no one will ever suspect you.

(He hands papers to her)

CUT TO Vera lingering on stairs looking down on the

scene below. Having heard the conversation, she exits from

scene, and we CUT down stairs to Groucho and Mrs. Teasdale.

Groucho

Guard them with your life...don't leave them out of your

sight... If the enemy gets those papers we're lost. If

they don't get them, we're lost. Can't you see what I'm

trying to tell you? I love you... Mrs. Teasdale, you're

the salt of the earth. They don't come any better than

you...

Mrs. Teasdale

(Modestly, with a bashful lowering of her eyes)

Now -- er --

Groucho

Well -- they might come better but they don't come any

bigger...and the bigger the better. The bigger the betta

you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking

about horses, why don't you marry me. Come, come -- say

yes and you'll never see me again. I'll go 'way if it

means your happiness...

Mrs. Teasdale

Oh, your Excellency, you take me off my feet.

Groucho puts his arms around her and tries unsuc-

cessfully to lift her off her feet.

Groucho

(Angrily)

Swell chance I've got taking you off your feet...

Mrs. Teasdale sinks down into a chair; without hesi-

tation, Groucho slides into her lap and continues his

passionate love making.

Groucho

Gloria -- may I call you Gloria?

Mrs. Teasdale

Why -- why -- of course.

Groucho

You can call me Gloria too. Gloria -- what a beautiful

name. When I was born my mother named me Gloria -- two

minutes later she found out her mistake...

CUT TO door as Bob enters. He moves in the direction

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