Duck Soup Page #8

viewed by Chico comes from the office, sees the mouse, screams

and joins in the general confusion. Groucho enters as the girls

are running about - zig-zags among them and continues through

the room into the private office of Chico - closing door behind

him. The girls clear out of anteroom and Harpo is left all

alone. He takes a small mouse trap from his large pocketbook,

puts it on the floor, crouches down and whistles to the mouse

in the manner of a man trying to call a dog. The mouse in

answer to the whistle runs into the trap. CUT TO -

The Secretary of War's office. Chico at the phone.

Chico

(To phone)

Send in the next girl.

(He hangs receiver up)

Groucho

By the way, are you sure we need a spy?

Chico

Sure, we gotta have a spy. If we no got a spy who's gonna tell

the other side what we're doing?

At this point, Harpo makes his entrance through the door,

carrying his unusually large pocketbook which is about the size

of a carpetbag. He walks past Groucho in a seductive manner,

swinging his bag and rolling his eyes flirtatiously. Groucho

is delighted with this action and returns the ogling.

Chico

(To Harpo)

Have you got any credentials?

Harpo lifts his dress and shows them the tattoo on his

leg of the two hearts. Groucho examines it closely.

Groucho

I don't go in much for modern art. Have you got anything by

one of the old masters?

Harpo lifts his dress above the other leg and shows a

picture of Gainsborough's "Blue Boy". Chico and Groucho arise

from the examination.

Groucho

I'm glad I didn't ask you for "Washington Crossing the Delaware".

Chico

(To Harpo)

We've gotta have somebody who knows how to get secrets from men.

-- You know how to make love?

(Harpo walks over to Chico, throws his arms around him

and starts to give him a big hug. He squeezes him very

hard. In the midst of this there is a loud report.

A startled look from Groucho and Chico. We see that

Harpo is minus one breast. He tries to affect an

innocent look when suddenly there is a second loud

report and his breasts are now as flat as a billiard table.

Just as he turns to hide the sight from Chico and Groucho,

a hissing sound is heard -- the air is leaking out of his

bustle and the bustle is becoming deflated.)

Groucho

(To Harpo)

You ought to carry a spare.

(Harpo goes to a corner of the room and keeps his back

to CAMERA. He takes a tube out of his dress front

and begins to blow. Chico and Groucho wear a puzzled

look as they watch him - the bustle starts to expand.

This inflation continues to gigantic proportions as

they look on.)

Groucho

(Looking at Harpo)

We're certainly living in a marvelous age.

(There is a terrific explosion and all of Harpo's

clothes are blown off him - leaving him in nothing

but running pants and ladies' silk stockings. His

body is literally covered with tattoos.)

Chico

(Laughing)

That's very funny...he certainly fooled me. He'll make a

good spy.

(Winks significantly at Harpo.)

(Harpo returns the wink.)

Groucho

(Examining tattoos)

If we can't use him as a spy, we can have him framed.

(He and Chico continue further examination of the

tattooed designs on Harpo's body.)

Chico

Say, that's a nice collection. You oughta have a catalogue.

(Harpo pulls a catalogue from under the belt of his

trunks and hands it to Chico. Groucho and Chico

look at the catalogue.)

Groucho

Let's take a look at number eighteen.

(Harpo reveals more of his back and shows a superb

tattooed job of a beautiful girl's head.)

Chico

(Referring to picture of girl)

Say, she's all right. You got-a her phone number?

(Harpo raises one arm and shows the phone number

tattooed right under the arm pit. He holds this

a moment, then turns and discloses a portion of

the tattooing on his chest. Groucho and Chico's

eyes shift from the telephone number to the

tattooed picture on his chest. Harpo completes

move and discloses the entire picture. It is a

country back-house with a crescent over the door.

Chico laughs uproariously.)

Chico

(Laughing)

That's a funny one!

(He slaps Harpo an the back good-naturedly.)

(TRICK SHOT on HARPO'S CHEST. The door in the out-

house flies open. The head of a real man appears

in the opening. He looks off in the direction of

Chico and mumbles incoherencies under his breath.

He is terribly angry at being interrupted. He draws

in his head, closing the door behind him.)

Chico

(To Harpo)

I think we can use you. Here's a spy glass...go ahead and

do some spying...

(Harpo takes the glasses and goes directly toward

the window. As he looks across street through

binoculars, he is grinning all over and wiggling

around like a happy kid.)

(Room across the street -- looking into the open win-

dow of a bedroom as Harpo would see it through the

binoculars. A beautiful girl is undressing, prepar-

ing to retire. After a moment of this shot CUT BACK

to Harpo looking through the binoculars. Chico takes

the binoculars from Harpo and pushes him out of the

scene, proceeds to look himself. He registers the

same satisfaction as Harpo and hands the binoculars

to Groucho. As Groucho looks through the binoculars

at the beautiful girl, Chico says:)

Chico

He's going to make a good spy...that's not bad for the

first day.

Groucho

(Turning and looking at Chico)

That's not bad for any day.

(Groucho takes a second look through the binoculars

at the beautiful girl. This time he sees Harpo

chasing the girl around the roam. This is shot

through the binoculars as before. Groucho registers

amazement as he looks through binoculars; perhaps

squints his eyes once or twice and takes second

look.)

Groucho

(To Chico)

Maybe my eyes are bad - you take a look.

(Chico takes the binoculars and looks at the room

across the street. Binocular shot as before. The

girl is in her underwear, tearing out of the room

into the hall, pursued by Harpo. Chico is still

looking through the binoculars.)

Groucho

You're right about that guy -- I think we've got some-

thing.

Chico

I don't know about us, but I know he's-a got something...

(CUT TO the front of the building occupied by the

beautiful girl. She comes dashing madly out of

the door and starts down the street, clad only in

her underwear. Harpo appears in doorway, riding

his motorcycle and starts down the street after

her.)

FADE OUT:

END OF SEQUENCE "D"

SEQUENCE "E"

FADE IN to living room of Mrs. Teasdale's home... It

is a smartly appointed room. Its main feature for our pur-

poses is a winding stairway leading to bedrooms above.

In the absence of Mrs. Teasdale, Vera is seated by

fireplace while Ambassador Trentino is excitedly pacing up

and down...

Trentino

This is all Firefly's fault -- that idiot, that fool....

Vera

I thought everything was working out fine.

Trentino

Fine nothing! I didn't want war.... My plan was to marry

Mrs. Teasdale and overthrow Firefly.

Vera

Maybe you can still win the old dame over -- why not try to --

(At this point Trentino sees Mrs. Teasdale coming

downstairs and hushes Vera with a nudge.)

Mrs. Teasdale

(As she descends stairs)

I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting....

Trentino walks over to meet her.

Trentino

(Taking her hand)

Mrs. Teasdale....

(Kisses her hand)

I deeply regret the unfortunate affair with his Excellency,

but his attitude left me no alternative....

Mrs. Teasdale

(Emotionally)

To think that this should happen after all these years of

friendship.

Vera

Maybe the war can still be averted....

Mrs. Teasdale

(Hopefully)

Oh, if only it could....

Trentino

Mrs. Teasdale, I'm willing to pocket my pride and do anything

I can to make up with his Excellency.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Solicitously)

Oh, would you.... ?

Trentino

For you, I would do anything.....

(Bowing graciously)

Vera

If only we can get his Excellency to listen to reason.....

Trentino

(To Mrs. Teasdale)

Perhaps he will listen to you.....

Mrs. Teasdale

Perhaps..... I'll call him.....

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