Duck Soup Page #7

(SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta)

Groucho

GATHER THE FORCES!

(SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta)

Groucho

HARNESS THE HORSES!

(SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta - ta)

Groucho

THEN IT'S WAR!

The above lies are spoken in meter and each line is

punctuated by the staccato notes of the trumpet. Groucho

makes a military exit from scene in time to the music, which

goes into a military march. As Groucho reaches the gate,

the guard hands him his high silk hat. Groucho takes the

hat -- removes a white rabbit from it -- hands it to the

guard -- as he exits through gate. DISSOLVE.

END OF SEQUENCE "C"

SEQUENCE "D"

INSERT of newspaper. The newspaper moves up to CAMERA from

background -- as it stops we read the following headlines:

"ARMIES MOBILIZE AS WAR CLOUDS GATHER!"

Through this insert we get the vague impression of war ac-

tivity. We see the movement of soldiers' feet. From the

background the second insert moves up to CAMERA ...

The first insert moves past CAMERA and the second insert

comes from the background. The headline reads:

"AMNESIA HASTENS PREPARATIONS!"

Through this insert we see the heavy wheels of army wagons

moving along. This is replaced by the the insert coming

from the background. The headlines read -

"FREEDONIA'S LEADER MAINTAINS ATTITUDE OF DIGNIFIED SILENCE!"

Bombing planes move through this insert. The front page of

the paper is turned and followed by a few other pages until

we come to the classified ad section of the paper. We see

the following advertisement:

WANTED:
- A female spy.

Must be young and attractive

Apply to Office of Secretary

of War.

Above this ad we just see a few lines of another ad --

WANTED:
--A Chauffeur

Below the war nurse ad we see part of another ad in which a

cook is wanted. DISSOLVE TO -

A SHOT (in movement) of a row of shapely legs, obviously

those of very pretty girls. The CAMERA moves upward disclos-

ing the faces of the girls, who are sitting in a row in the

ante-room of the Secretary of War's office. On the door

leading to the Secretary's private office, we see the letter-

ing:
PRIVATE. The CAMERA discloses only four or five of

these girls, but we know there are more in the room. Bob

appears in the doorway leading to the Secretary's office and

addresses the first girl - nearest the door.

Bob

The Secretary of War will see you next, Miss.

This girl is very pretty and has a very attractive form.

She smiles at Bob, rises and exits into the Secretary's

office. Bob closes the door behind her. The CAMERA now

moves along the row of girls and the sixth or seventh girl

in the row is Harpo, dressed as a girl. On the other side

of him are more girls. A girl to the right of him turns to

the girl beside her.

Girl

(To the girl at her right)

Did you hear the one about the woman taking a bath? ... Well,

she forgot to lock the door ... A man came in and said, "I'm

a doctor" ... The woman said, "I'm not sick" ... and the man

said, "that's all right. I'm not a doctor."

All of the girls laugh heartily at at this remark.

Harpo is laughing also. He slaps the story-teller on the leg.

Her laughter ceases instantly. She slaps him back, and gets

another slap on the leg in return. A little squeal of pain

from her and she raises her dress disclosing a bruise on her

leg just above the knee.

Girl

(To Harpo)

Look!

Harpo does so, then pulls up his own dress and points to his leg

for her to look. On his leg is tattooed a picture of two hearts

entwined with an arrow running through both. She gives Harpo

dirty look and rises - CUT TO:

Private office of Secretary of War. The office is clut-

tered with war implements, maps, etc. The examination of the

girl is in progress. She is turning around in the manner of a

clothes model. Chico is looking her over.

Chico

(To girl)

You look pretty good to me - but very still need a spy - Have you

got any credentials?

(The girl nods and pulls her dress up above her knees

revealing an attractive leg. She reaches into her

stocking for a paper.)

Chico

(Taking a very good look)

You got credentials all right.

(The girl drops her skirt and hands the paper to Chico.

Chico looks at the paper)

Chico

This is fine. Put it back.

(Hands the girl the paper. She lifts her dress above

her knees again and puts the paper back in her stock-

ing, while Chico looks on. She drops her skirt.)

Chico

I think I better take another look at that paper...

(She lifts the skirt again to get the paper, while Chico

steals another glance. The girl drops her skirt and

hands him the paper.)

Chico

(Looking at the paper)

I look this over later -- now I look you over. If you want to

be a spy, you gotta be in good condition. I better examine you.

(He takes stethoscope from his pocket, applies it to

her heart and listens.)

Chico

(Listening to girl's heart beat)

There's something wrong -- I think I'm getting Whiteman's band.

(Puts stethoscope back in his pocket and takes watch

from vest pocket. He feels her pulse while looking

at the watch)

Chico

According to my watch it's four o'clock.

(Puts watch back in his pocket)

Now look -- a woman spy is a-gotta make love to men. Come on --

let's see you make love..

(She walks over to him and lovingly strokes his hair,

puts both arms around him, then suddenly becomes very

amorous, bends him over and kisses him madly. She

lets go after a little while and Chico comes up for

air. He staggers around in a daze. Then he takes

the watch from his vest pocket, hands it to her, ex-

tends his wrist and says:

Chico

Now you feel my pulse.

Suddenly the screaming of girls is heard coming from the

anteroom, and we cut to the anteroom in the midst of confu-

sion. The girls are running helter-skelter, one or two of them

are standing on chairs with their skirts lifted above their

knees. There is a little white mouse running about the room.

Harpo is sitting innocently on the bench. The girl just inter-

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