Duck Soup Page #6

sional manner of an experienced duelist)

Groucho

My card.

Chico

(Laughing)

That's a-no good. You gotta insult somebody from another

country. Look --

(Puts his large gloves on the desk)

I come from one country. You come from another country. I

say something you don't like. You say something I don't

like - and I'm insulted.

Groucho

Why wasn't I insulted?

Chico

You was insulted, but you don't know it.

Groucho

(Indignantly)

Then I demand an apology!

Chico

That's a-no good. If I apologize we no got a war. Look --

I send you a scrap of paper. You send me a scrap of paper --

and we have a scrap.

Groucho

You've got a brain after all - and how you get along without

it is amazing to me -- Now, who can I insult?... Who do we

owe money to?...

(Enthusiastically)

AMBASSADOR TRENTINO! How about him?

Chico

He's-a very easy to insult -- I say something to his niece

once, and he slapped my face.

Groucho

Why didn't his niece slap your face?

Chico

She did.

Groucho

What did you say to her?

(Chico whispers in Groucho's ear -- Groucho

gives him an indignant look)

Groucho

You're lucky I don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed

of yourself. Where did you hear that story?

Chico

You told it to me.

Groucho

(Puzzled for a moment)

Oh, yes, I remember -- and I should have slapped Mrs. Teas-

dale's face when she told it to me... I'm going right out

and find Trentino. You go right out and get yourself an

army.

(Chico turns to go - Groucho stops him)

Groucho

Wait a minute. What kind of an army do you think we oughtta

have?

Chico

I think we oughtta have a standing army, so we can save

money on chairs.

(At this point Chico is at the door and exits -

Groucho slams the door right in his face - then

he walks over to the desk and sees the larger

gauntlets. He takes a swing with his own gloves,

then takes a hefty swing with the gauntlet. He

leaves his own gloves on the desk and exits with

the gauntlets in is hand.)

(CUT outside. Harpo is just pulling up to the

curb in front of the House of Representatives,

in his motorcycle and side car. Groucho comes

from the building wearing gauntlets, gets into

the side car and with a dignified wave of his

hand, says:
)

Groucho

To Mrs. Teasdale's residence!

(The motorcycle speeds out of the scene, leaving

the side car behind.)

Groucho

This is the fifth trip I've made today and I haven't been

anywhere yet.

(And, as he gets out of the side car and starts

to go back into the building, the scene

FADES OUT)

END OF SEQUENCE "B"

SEQUENCE "C"

FADE IN to garden party. This is an afternoon tea in

the garden of the Teasdale estate. Spotted in the set-up are

innumerable colorful umbrellas, under which are tea tables.

The guests include the notables we saw in the mansion in the

first sequence. The only two people absent are Ambassador

Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale. Vera Trentino is seated at one

of the tables and her presence is established there in the

opening shot. Music is heard over the scene and should be

continued through the scene as if being played by an orchestra

on the premises. Suddenly the chatter ceases as the follow-

ing announcement is heard coming over scene.

Guard's Voice

(From off scene)

His Excellency, Rufus T. Firefly!

All eyes turn toward those off scene and everyone

rises to sing the last four bars of the national anthem.

Cut to the gateway leading into the garden...a servant

on each side of the gate, as Groucho jauntily strides through

the gate, swinging the unusually large gauntlets...

Guests

(Singing)

Hail, hail, Freedonia

Land of the brave and free...

Groucho hands his high silk hat to one of the guards

and starts down the walk among the guests. From his attitude

it is evident that he is intent on finding Ambassador

Trentino. Suddenly he stops, having seen something of interest

off scene. The following dialogue comes over the scene.

Trentino's Voice

Can't you see, Gloria, our marriage would not only unite two

great families...

CUT TO Trentino and Mrs. Teasdale in a quiet corner

of the garden -- both are at a tea table. This shot leaves

Groucho out.

Trentino

(Continuing)

...but would further cement the relations of our countries.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Fluttering with excitement)

Ambassador Trentino, I am indeed honored...

(Falteringly)

But you see - well - I --

Trentino

(Repressing his anger - coldly)

Oh. Then there his somebody else?

Mrs. Teasdale

Well no -- not exactly -- but --

Trentino

(Impatiently)

Gloria -- I've waited for years. I won't be put off! I

love you! I want you!

(Taking her hand pleadingly)

Can't you see that I'm at your feet?

Groucho enters the scene.

Groucho

(To Trentino)

When you get through with her feet, you can start on mine.

I haven't been to a chiropodist in two years...

(To CAMERA)

If that's not an insult, I don't know what is.

(Turns to Gloria)

Gloria, I love you. I --

Trentino

(Furious, to Gloria)

Can't we go some place where we can be alone?

Groucho

(To Mrs. Teasdale)

What can this mug offer you? Wealth and family. I can't

give you wealth...

(Archly lifting his eyebrow)

...but we can have a little family of our own.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Coyly)

Oh, Rufus!

Groucho

All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Happily confused)

Oh, Your Excellency, I don't know what to say.

Groucho

I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place.

(Turning to Trentino)

Maybe you can suggest something.

Trentino

(Hotly)

This has gone far enough! This interruption is humiliating,

to say the least...

Groucho

Well, why not say the least and get it over with?

Mrs. Teasdale

(Fearful)

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

Trentino

(Half addressing Mrs. Teasdale)

I didn't come here to be insulted.

Groucho

That's what you think.

Trentino

(Furiously)

You swine!

Groucho

Give me that again!

Trentino

You worm!

Groucho

Once more!

(Holds his gauntlets in his hand, ready at any

moment to strike)

Trentino

You upstart!

Groucho

That's it! No man lives who can call a Firefly an upstart.

Without further ado, Groucho strikes Trentino across

the face with his gauntlets. Then he quickly flashes his

card and extends it to Trentino in the manner of a duelist.

Groucho

(As he offers the card)

Touch'.

A sudden ripple of excitement as the guests, attracted

by the rumpus begin to move into the scene. Prominent among

these is Vera Trentino. Trentino refuses Groucho's card,

white with rage.

Trentino

(Coldly)

I shall report this indignity the my President.

(To Mrs. Teasdale - polite but firm)

Mrs. Teasdale, I feel this regrettable occurrence will plunge

our countries into war.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Half crying)

This is terrible!

Vera

Uncle, you can't do this!

Trentino

(Politely)

My dear niece -- I must ask you not to interfere. War is not

a woman's problem.

Vera

(Rising angrily)

It is every woman's problem. Who supplies the sons? -- the

brothers? -- the husbands? Who...

Groucho

(To Vera -- interrupting)

You keep that up and you'll crab the whole war.

Vera

Carry out this tragic folly if you will -- But I for one will

not be a part of it.

(She winks at Trentino)

I will stay here in Freedonia.

Trentino

(As a faint smile of understanding vanishes from

his face)

Very well then, if that's how you feel about it --

(suggestive shrug of his shoulders)

My country has spoken.

(He turns on his heel as if about to leave. Groucho

stops him)

Groucho

Then it's war?

Trentino

(Stiffly)

Yes.

Groucho

How're ya fixed for ammunition?

Trentino

Bah!!

(Waves Groucho aside and exits)

Groucho

(Dramatically)

THEN IT'S WAR!

(SOUND of trumpet - Ta - ta - ta-ta)

Groucho

THEN IT'S WAR!

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