Duck Soup Page #5

Trentino

Fine - keep on yelling - Do everything you can to disturb

Firefly - Now what about your cousin?

Chico

He's working very hard - I got him a job driving Firefly's

car - He's-a driving him crazy and I'm driving him nuts -

P-E-A-N-U-T-S

(Singing even louder than before - Trentino smirks

approvingly and exits - the whistling of the tune

following as we CUT inside to Groucho - and the

well-known vamp of the "Peanut Vendor" is heard

coming over scene with orchestra accompaniment...)

Groucho

(Glaring angrily at window)

I'll get rid of that pest - watch me --

(He walks determinedly in direction of window

and breaks into a rhumba - with hands on hips -

dipping to ground a la Spanish dancer... as he

reaches window we CUT outside. Groucho is seen

in the window - which is on the ground floor -

Chico is by his peanut stand)

Groucho

(To Chico - angrily)

Hey you!!

Chico

All right -

(Chico takes bag of peanuts from stand -

throws it to Groucho - The latter catches

bag and throws Chico a dime - then starts to

eat the peanuts)

Groucho

Have you got a license?

Chico

No, but my dog he's a got millions of them --

Groucho

(Munching peanuts as Chico walks over and

stands under window)

What kind of a dog is he?

Chico

He used to be a bloodhound but he's anemic --

Groucho

Well - what is he now?

Chico

He's half poodle and half watch dog -

Groucho

Half watch dog?

Chico

Yeh, he's only got one eye.

Groucho

I don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end

of a leash - a ninety-nine gear leash -

(Gives him a look of disgust)

Look - what do you call your dog?

Chico

I don't call him, I whistle.

Groucho

What do you whistle?

Chico

Yankee Poodle.

Groucho

I've got just the place for a man like you but I'm too busy

right now to do any digging. What do you call your dog when

you want him?

Chico

I don't want him.

Groucho

Well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a

pound?

Chico

He only weighs ten ounces --

Groucho

I can use you in the House of Representatives. We need a

man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is

going to. Step inside.

(Groucho turns and disappears from the

window - CUT INSIDE of House of Repre-

sentatives)

Groucho

(To Bob)

In case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place?

Bob

(After a moment's thought)

About - thirty-four seconds.

Groucho

We'll start a fire --

(Indicating representatives)

-- and get rid of these microbes.

(Groucho exits towards door leading into his

private office. CUT to inside of private

office which has another door leading to a

hallway, and among other articles of furniture,

there is an impressive-looking desk on which

is a telephone. Just as Groucho comes through

the door into his office, Chico enters through

the other door. He is wearing gauntlets,

reaching half way up his arms. As they walk

toward each other the telephone rings and the

two men make a mad dash for the telephone on

the desk. Chico beats Groucho to the phone,

picks up the receiver.)

Chico

(At telephone)

Hello!... Yes... Yes... He's not in...

(Chico hangs up receiver and turns to Groucho

who is waiting impatiently)

Chico

That was for you.

Groucho

I'm sorry I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with

you... Now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yell-

ing "peanuts" in front of the House of Representatives.

Chico

Oh no, I can't do it.

Groucho

You don't want to be a public nuisance, do you?

Chico

Sure. How much does the job pay?

(or)

Sure, if there's a chance for advancement.

Groucho

You wouldn't consider going over Niagara Falls without a

barrel?

Chico

'At's-a no good. I went to Niagara Falls once.

Groucho

Did you shoot the rapids?

Chico

No, but I shot some ducks.

Groucho

If there was an open season for fellows like you, I'd get

myself a hunting license. Anyway, I'm going to make you a

sporting proposition. You give up the peanut stand and I'll

make you vice-president of the country.

Chico

Oh, no -- nothing doing. I had a brother who was a vice-

president once and that's the last we ever heard of him.

Groucho

Well, maybe he's still the vice-president. Now if I were to

offer you --

(Telephone bell rings. The two men turn and

run for the telephone. Again Chico gets there

first. Groucho stands by exasperated while

Chico talks to the party on the other end of

the line)

Chico

(To telephone)

Hello... Yes... No, not yet... All right... Goodbye.

(Hangs up receiver - then says to Groucho)

That was for you again. He wants you to call him up as soon

as you get back.

Groucho

I don't know what's keeping me. I should've been here a

long time ago. Now how about my proposition?

Chico

What other job you got?

Groucho

Let's see -- What've I got in my cabinet besides mice --

(Stops to think - then very enthusiastically)

I've got it -- how would you like to be Secretary of the

Interior?

Chico

That's no good. I like to work on the outside. I must have

something easy.

Groucho

Then you don't wanna work hard?

Chico

I don't wanna work at all.

Groucho

In that case you'll have to take a civil service examination

-- if you pass I'll put you in the post-office -- stick out

your tongue.

Chico

I don't wanna sick out my tongue.

Groucho

Well, if you wanna work in the post-office you'll have to

stick out your tongue.

Chico

Look, I'm a very nervous man. I gotta have a job where I

come to work at eleven -- go to lunch at twelve -- and quit

at one. And twice a year I gotta have a six month vaca-

tion.

Groucho

I've got just the job for you -- Secretary of War.

Chico

'At's-a fine.

(Telephone bell rings. They both make a dash

for the telephone, but Harpo rushes in through

hallway door and reaches the phone first. Harpo

picks up through telephone receiver, listens to con-

versation on the other end with an occasional nod

and shake of the head. As he listens, he

scribbles message on a piece of paper. He

holds the written message up to the telephone

receiver for a moment, then writes a few more

words on the paper. During this, Chico and

Groucho stand by, terribly worried. Finally

Harpo hangs up the receiver and exits, tearing

up the paper)

Groucho

(After a moment's glance at Harpo)

You know, I'd be lost without a telephone. Now - where were

we? Oh, yes - I just made you Secretary of War. The first

thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and I

get 10% commission.

Chico

What do I get?

Groucho

You get half mine and I get half yours.

Chico

I don't want to buy ammunition -- we no gotta war.

Groucho

Then we've gotta start one. Do you know how to start a war?

Chico

Sure, that's easy. You gotta insult somebody.

(Groucho suddenly slaps Chico across the face with

his gloves, then as quickly brings to light a

card which he presents to Chico in the profes-

Rate this script:3.0 / 5 votes