Duck Soup Page #4

closely behind him rides the motorcycle cop. They circle

the mezzanine ... Harpo in the lead, looking back now and

then over his shoulder at his pursuer ... this is done in

imitation of a six day bicycle race ... The motorcycle cop

is closing in on Harpo ... the latter approaching a large open

door, rides through the opening, but the cop continues on

around the balcony ... as he gets to the opposite side of the

circular balcony he passes another open doorway. Harpo comes

riding out of it and is now in pursuit of the cop ...

CUT down stairs to Groucho ... One hand is upraised

holding a gun. As he looks at a wrist watch, he fires gun,

then addresses guests looking into CAMERA.

Groucho

That concludes the nine o'clock sprints ... Next Saturday

night the winner of the six day bicycle race will receive

ten thousand dollars in gold ... the following morning we

go off the gold standard ...

CUT BACK to balcony ... Harpo is passing the cop ...

He holds up his hand for the cop to stop ... they both come

to a halt ... Harpo gets off his motorcycle, walks over an-

grily to cop, takes out his book, writes out a summons and

hands it to the cop as we FADE OUT ...

END OF SEQUENCE "A"

SEQUENCE "B"

FADE IN on interior of Freedonian House of Repre-

sentatives. This interior although not a replica of our own

House of Representatives, should be close enough technically

to sell the idea... Each seat is occupied by an officious-

looking dignitary. On the platform are a few desks ... per-

haps a pulpit which Groucho uses when he arrives... The one

to the right is the court stenographer's desk, occupied by

Bob Firefly. He takes notes as the meeting progresses.

Throughout the House runs a ripple of excitement,

which is stopped by the rapping of the gavel by the Speaker

of the House.

Speaker

Gentlemen, gentlemen, remember for forty-six years we have

enjoyed the friendship of Amnesia, so ably represented by

Ambassador Trentino.

(Indicating the Ambassador who is present)

We owe it to ourselves to listen to what he has to say...

(Trentino takes the floor)

Trentino

Gentlemen, while I admit it is unusual for a representative

of one country to advise the legislative body of another, I

assure you that I have the interest of Freedonia at heart ...

(Deferential applause)

We have lent you money in the past -- we are willing to lend

you money again -- but, we cannot do it if your leader is

allowed by you, to carry out his ridiculous proposals... In

self-protection it is my ----

(Bob rises to interrupt)

Bob

I object!... we have no right to discuss this matter in the

absence of my father.

Speaker

(To House)

We have been meeting every morning for eight days and not

once has His Excellency been on time...

Trentino

(Looking at his watch)

Gentlemen, I cannot wait much longer...

Speaker

(To Bob)

Would you mind calling your father again?

Bob presses a button, either on desk or wall...

CUT TO - the corner of Groucho's bedroom, showing fireman's

pole. The sound of the clanging bell is heard over scene.

Groucho hurries into scene, fully clad but for his coat which

he has on his arm... without waiting to don his coat he

slides down the pole. We pick him up finishing the slide

down the pole into the House of Representatives. As he ar-

rives the members are on their feet singing the last four

bars of the national anthem.

Members

(Singing)

Hail, hail, Freedonia

Land of the brave and free...

Groucho hurries toward Speaker's desk, putting on

his coat as he goes... Just as he reaches the desk the

singing subsides. Groucho turns to the body of men and

looks off in the direction of one of the representatives.

Groucho

(Pointing toward the individual off scene)

The Secretary of Agriculture was a little flat...

(He takes a match and scratches it across

the top of the desk to light his cigar...

takes a few puffs, then raps the gavel.)

I move we open the morning session... Has anybody got a

cork screw?

(Looking out and around at members)

[page missing]

Groucho

What's to stop you from digging one... And after you dig a

river, how're ya gonna cross it without a bridge... ? We've

got to have a bridge to stop people from going places --

then we've gotta stop them from coming back. If you're

worried about the expense we can have a bridge with only one

end -- and if that's a success we can do away with it alto-

gether. I'm telling you that what this country needs is --

(Off scene we hear Chico's voice singing

"P-E-A-N-U-T-S" .... this is followed

by the piping of a whistle playing the

first strain of the PEANUT VENDOR...

Groucho listens, annoyed and then con-

tinues)

Groucho

If there's one thing we don't need right now -- it's pea-

nuts -- gentlemen, what good is a bridge if you haven't got

ammunition to blow it up... ammunition was never cheaper...

Right now, you can get two cannons for the price of one and

shoot twice as far for half the money... With every five

thousand dollar purchase we throw in a Big Bertha... If you

don't like her, you can throw her right out again. I tell

you no country can protect itself without --

(Again Chico's voice comes over scene

singing "P-E-A-N-U-T-S"... The whistl-

ing of the first strain of song - the

PEANUT VENDOR is heard again)

Speaker

I'm sorry your Excellency, it is that infernal peanut vendor

Chicolini... How can we accomplish anything with that con-

stant annoyance?

Trentino

Your Excellency - are we or are we not going to discuss this

problem - my time is valuable - I'm a man of few words -

Groucho

I'm a man of one word... SCRAM!!!

(Trentino exits resentfully)

Groucho

(To Bob - aroused)

Go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building --

Get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary

call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of

peanuts.

Bob

I've tried to chase him but it's no use - he won't go -

Groucho

He won't eh? - We'll see about that - send for your father

immediately.

Bob

But you're my father -

Groucho

Never mind then, I'll get in touch with him myself -

(CUT OUTSIDE to Chico standing by his peanut

stand which has a whistle on it conspicuously

displayed - )

Chico

(Singing loudly)

"P-E-A-N-U-T-S"

(CLOSE UP of whistle piping tune of "PEANUT

VENDOR" - Trentino enters to Chico - )

Chico

(To Trentino)

How'm I doing, boss?

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