Duck Soup Page #3

Groucho

(Singing)

If any man should come between

A husband and his bride,

We find out which one she prefers

By letting her decide.

If she prefers the other man,

The husband steps outside;

We stand him up against the wall

And Pop goes the Weasel!

Ensemble

(Singing)

The husband steps outside;

Relinquishes his bride;

We stand him up against the wall

And take him for a ride.

(Groucho dances as above is sung)

Groucho

The population must increase

With great rapidity.

We give a couple seven years

To raise a family.

If, by that time, there is no branch

Upon the family tree,

We stand 'em up against the wall -

And Pop goes the Weasel.

(Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins

him reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance con-

tinues. He might finish dance in her arms, looking ten-

derly at her as she beams down at him.)

Mrs. Teasdale

(As she beams on him)

You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal

... It is easy to see you have an open mind.

Groucho

That's what I get for dressing in a hurry.

Mrs. Teasdale

Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the

House of Representatives ... Have you got your speech ready?

Groucho

I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their

seats ...

(He takes a paper from inside pocket as

he says above.... then reads from paper)

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on

this continent a new nation --

Mrs. Teasdale

Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg ...

Groucho

(With a look of great surprise)

He did? ... I told my son not to leave it laying around ...

Where is son?

(Bob enters)

Bob

Here I am, Father ...

Groucho

Send for my car ....

Bob

(Calling to servant off scene)

His Excellency's car!

(This is repeated by a servant's voice off scene ...

A servant enters to Groucho, bearing his high silk hat.

He bows low as he hands it to Groucho ... Groucho takes hat,

removes a white rabbit, hands it back to servant, dons his

hat and with a swanky gesture exits ... again we hear a ser-

vant's voice calling: "His Excellency's car" ...

We see the trumpeters at the top of the steps of the

mansion, outside, standing at attention ... their trumpets

at their sides ...

From inside comes the voice of a servant calling "His

Excellency's car" ...

The trumpeters click their heels, draw themselves erect,

put the trumpets to their mouths and blow a fanfare to

summon the car ...

We cut to the Exterior of the Dictator's garage. This

is a pretentious affair. In central foreground a wall, in

the center of which is a large wrought-iron double gate. On

each side of the gate is a crest or design in relief. Also

two liveried guards stand erect before the gate. A trumpeter

on the wall above. Through the gate we see the patio and

suggestions of the garage. Two or three high-class cars in

background identify the garage.

At the beginning of the scene, we hear finish of

trumpeter's call. Instantly the two guards move to the

center of the gates and call through the bars -

Guards

(In unison)

His Excellency's car!

Almost instantly there is a terrific roar of motors on

the other side of the wall. The two guards open gates mov-

ing in military manner. Immediately the gates are wide open,

Harpo appears on his motorcycle, that carries a side car.

The motorcycle is decorated ... perhaps a crest in relief on

the side of the car ... a thin staff, about four or five feet

high is fastened to the handle bars ... As Harpo rides along,

he hoists the Freedonian flag to the staff. Further along the

road he hits a man ... he looks behind to see what damage

he's done, but continues riding ... A CUT BACK to the man

shows that he is lying prostrate on the ground.

We CUT BACK to Harpo, who is just getting off motor-

cycle ... he takes another look back at the man, lowers the

flag to half-mast, takes bugle, which is hanging on his car

and blows a few bars of taps ... he mounts motorcycle again

and starts off ...

CUT TO top of mansion steps as Groucho comes from man-

sion ... the two guards standing stiffly erect, form a seat

by crossing hands ... Groucho sits on the seat made by their

hands, puts his arms around their shoulders and they carry

him down stairs ... as fast as they can.

CUT TO Harpo arriving in front of mansion just as

Groucho, carried by the men, moves into the scene. Groucho

gets into the side-car ... and in Napoleonic manner says to

Harpo:

Groucho

To the House of Representatives ... ride like fury ... Don't

stop for any signals and don't wait for a corner to make a

turn ... see if you can break a record ...

Harpo takes a phonograph record and smashes it on the

ground ... there is a roar of the motor -- the motorcycle

starts off but leaves the side-car.

Groucho gets out of side-car ... starts back to steps,

stops and says:

Groucho

A fine thing -- leaving the head of the nation at the foot

of the stairs ...

As he dashes up the stairs, we CUT TO Harpo ... riding

along ...

A very attractive girl is coming along in the opposite

direction. As she approaches Harpo, he toots his horn to

attract her attention, she throws him a indignant look and

continues on down the street. Harpo turns his motorcycle

around and starts after her. She looks around, sees Harpo

pursuing and breaks into a run ... CUT BACK to Harpo follow-

ing her, putting on speed ... he lowers the Freedonian flag

and simultaneously raises a pirate flag -- with skull and

cross-bones on it, displayed prominently. A motorcycle cop

is parked on the corner waiting for prospective violators ...

he sees Harpo chasing the girl and quickly starts his motor

and follows in pursuit ...

The girl, as she reaches the executive mansion, rushes

up the stairs in an effort to escape. Harpo comes into the

scene and rides up the stairs after her ... As Harpo gets

about half way up the stairs the motorcycle cop is seen

approaching the mansion.

CUT TO reception room of mansion as the girl is running

madly through the room ... a moment later we see Harpo on

his bike following ... there is panic among the guests. Then

we see the girl tearing up the stairs leading to the circular

balcony ... CUT BACK to Harpo. He looks behind him as he

rides and sees the motorcycle cop following on his bike. On

the balcony above, the girl is running, with an occasional

glance over her shoulder as she runs out of scene ... Harpo

rides into scene. This time he is bent over his handle-bars

in the manner of a six day bicycle rider ... following

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