Duck Soup Page #2

He takes a pack of cards from is pocket and extends

them to Mrs. Teasdale.

Groucho

Take a card.

The bewildered Mrs. Teasdale complies.

Groucho puts the other fifty-one cards in his pocket.

Mrs. Teasdale

What'll I do with this card?

Groucho

You can keep it -- I've got a whole pack..... Now what were

you saying?

Mrs. Teasdale

As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with

open arms.

Groucho

How late do you stay open?

Mrs. Teasdale

In choosing you, I feel that I serve my country well. I

heartily endorse everything you stand for.

Groucho

Well, I won't stand for much. And I won't stand for you if

you don't show some improvement soon. Look at your report

card last month -- "D" in spelling.... six in behavior. Now

who were the six? A fine state of affairs -- no wonder you

can't matriculate, now what were you saying;?

Mrs. Teasdale

The future of Freedonia rests upon you. Promise me you will

follow in my husband's footsteps.

Groucho

(To CAMERA)

I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's

making advances to me.

(To Mrs. Teasdale)

Not that I care -- but where is your husband?

Mrs. Teasdale

(Slightly embarrassed)

Why - er -- my husband passed away.....

(reverently)

I was with him to the very end.

Groucho

No wonder he passed away. I'd like to be with you to the

very end. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you -- I

love you.

Mrs. Teasdale

(Very warmly)

Your Excellency!

Groucho

You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Teasdale, when I look at

you I can see that we're facing a crisis. We've got to bal-

ance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including,

you.

Ambassador Trentino enters the scene.

Mrs. Teasdale

Oh... Your Excellency... I would like to present to you....

AMBASSADOR VERDI TRENTINO OF AMNESIA.......

Having him with us today is indeed a great honor.

Trentino

(To Mrs. Teasdale, smiling appreciatively)

Thanks.... but I can't stay very long.

Groucho

That's even a greater honor.

Trentino

I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will

of my people.

Groucho

I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good

will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars.

Trentino

Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum.... I'll have

to discuss that with my Minister of Finance.

Groucho

Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally?

Trentino

(Surprised)

$50 ?

Groucho

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as

security.

(Throwing a glance at Mrs. Teasdale)

or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the

jackknife...... I've a better proposition.... Make it $25

and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you

foreclose.

Trentino

(With a puzzled look at Groucho)

Your Excellency, haven't we met before?

Groucho

(Looking at Trentino)

Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have

won that race if you tried a little harder.

Vera Trentino enters scene.

Ambassador

Oh. May I present my niece.

Groucho

Go ahead.

Trentino

You don't understand. This is my niece Vera.

Groucho

(Throwing her a glance)

And Vera niece, too.

Vera

Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love

to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom.

Groucho

You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of

it. Where's my secretary?

(Looking around)

Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene.

Bob

Here I am, Father.

Groucho

(To Bob)

Take a letter.

Bob

(Taking out a stenographer's pad and pencil)

Who to?

Groucho

The President of the United States.

(Bob writes as Groucho dictates)

Groucho

My dear President.... read it back....

Bob

(Reading from pad)

"My dear President"...

Groucho

That doesn't sound right.... take out "President"... now

read it.

Bob

(Reading)

"My dear"...

Groucho

That's not right yet.... put back "President" and take out

"dear"... How does it read now?

Bob

(Reading)

"My President"....

Groucho

There's still something wrong with it.... take out "President"

.... now what've you got?

Bob

(Reading)

"My"....

Groucho

Now we're on the right track.... Put back "dear".....

How does it read?

Bob

(Reading)

"My dear"...

Groucho

You can't say that to the President.... Put back "President"

... Now let's hear how sounds.

Bob

(Reading)

"My dear President"...

Groucho

That's what I wanted in the first place. Tear it up and

send it airmail.

Bob

Is that all?

Groucho

Take another letter.... to my tailor.

(Bob takes dictation again.)

Groucho

Dear Sir... enclosed find check for $100. Yours very truly....

Send that immediately.

Bob

I'll have to enclose the check first.

Groucho

You do and I'll fire you.

Groucho glares over his shoulder at Bob to emphasize

his remark as the latter exits from the scene. Mrs. Teasdale

enters to Groucho.

Mrs. Teasdale

(To Groucho)

Your Excellency, the eyes of the world are upon you. Nota-

bles from every land are gathered here in your honor --

(Indicating the guests with a wave of her hand)

This is a gala day for us.

Groucho

Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I couldn't handle any

more.

Mrs. Teasdale

If it's not asking too much --

(Recitative)

For our information

Just for illustration

(Begins tune)

Tell us how you intend to run the nation.

Groucho

(Singing)

These are the laws of my administration:

No one's allowed to smoke

Or tell a dirty joke --

And whistling is forbidden...

Ensemble

(Singing)

We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke

HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA

Groucho

(Singing)

If chewing gum is chewed,

The chewer is pursued

And in the hoosegow hidden...

Ensemble

(Singing)

If we should choose to chew, we'll be pursued -

Groucho

If any form of pleasure is exhibited

Report to me and it will be prohibited.

I'll put my foot down;

So shall it be -

This is the land of the free.

The last man nearly ruined this place

He didn't know what to do with it.

If you think this country's bad off now

Just wait 'till I get through with it.

(Does sailor's hornpipe)

The treasury is low on dough;

The last man went and flew with it.

If you think we're short of money now

Just wait 'till I get through with it.

(Does Highland fling)

The country's taxes must be fixed -

And I know what to do with it,

If you think you're paying too much now,

Just wait 'till I get through with it.

(Takes flute from inside pocket

and plays strain of Dixie)

Dignitary

(Singing)

In our midst you stand

The ruler of this land

A man who'll govern with an iron hand.

Groucho

(Singing)

If anyone gets fresh with me,

I'll show him who's the boss;

I'll stand upon my dignity,

And toss him for a loss.

And this will be the penalty

For those who doublecross -

We'll stand 'em up against the wall,

and Pop goes the Weasel,

Ensemble

(Singing)

If you should make him cross,

He'll toss you for a loss.

If anyone gets fresh with him,

He'll show him who's the boss.

(Groucho does minuet with girls

as above is sung)

Groucho

(Singing)

I will not stand for anything

That's crooked or unfair;

I'm strictly on the up and up,

So everyone beware.

If anyone's caught taking graft

And I don't get my share,

We'll stand 'em up against the wall -

And Pop goes the Weasel!

Ensemble

(Singing)

So everyone beware

Who's crooked or unfair;

No one must take a bit of graft

Unless he gets his share.

(Groucho dances as above is sung)

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