Duck Soup Page #16

playing cards...)

FADE OUT:

END OF SEQUENCE "J"

SEQUENCE "K"

FADE IN - to a group of notables standing around a

large table. Among them are Mrs. Teasdale and Zeppo. Groucho

is the guest of honor, very gaily attired for the occasion.

As we FADE INTO this scene, they are singing -

All

(Singing)

Hail, hail, Freedonia...

Land of the brave and free!

Zeppo

MY DAD IS MUCH TOO GREAT FOR HIS POSITION

WITHOUT A QUESTION.

I'D LIKE TO OFFER THIS WITH YOUR PERMISSION

AS A SUGGESTION:

I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING!

All

WE REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING!

Zeppo

I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING!

All

HE SHOULD BE KING!

Solo

AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING.

All

AND EVERYTHING.

Solo

I REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING!

All

HE SHOULD BE KING!

Groucho

FROM WHAT I HAVE BEEN GATHERING,

I THINK THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING:

I THINK THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING!

All

HE SHOULD BE KING!

Groucho

AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING.

All

AND EVERYTHING.

HE SHOULD BE KING!

(Then follows a musical interlude during

which Groucho says: -

Groucho

(Speaking to audience)

You know I think they think I should be king.

(Then turning to the guests - singing)

ALTHOUGH IT WOULD PLEASE ME TO GOVERN THE THRONG,

SUPPOSE I WERE KING

AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT WRONG.

Mrs. Teasdale

THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG!

All

THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG!

THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG!

(They all sit)

Groucho

OF COURSE YOU'RE ALL AWARE

A KING MUST HAVE AN HEIR

SOME ONE TO PASS THE FAMILY NAME ALONG

WILL SOME ONE TELL ME WHERE I'D EVER GET AN HEIR

IF A KING CAN DO NO WRONG

All

(Standing up)

THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG!

(They all sit down)

Groucho

SUPPOSE A PRETTY DAME

INTO MY CASTLE CAME -

AND LET US SAY THAT I WAS GOING STRONG.

SHE MIGHT BE STUCK ON ME,

BUT WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE,

IF THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG.

All

(Standing up)

THE KING CAN DO TO WRONG!

(Sitting down)

Groucho

KING SOLOMON WAS GAME

HE GAVE EACH GIRL HIS NAME

TO NUMBER THEM WOULD MAKE A LIST THAT LONG

I'LL BET HIS THOUSAND WIVES LED MISERABLE LIVES

IF THE KING CAN DO NO WRONG.

All

(Remaining seated)

WE REALLY THINK HE SHOULD BE KING

AND WEAR A CROWN AND EVERYTHING.

Groucho

THEY THINK I SHOULD -

THEY THINK I SHOULD -

THEY THINK I SHOULD -

THEY THINK I SHOULD BE KING.

(Applause)

Mrs. Teasdale rises.

Mrs. Teasdale

My dear friends, in time of peace we should forgive those who

fought against us, and so, I have invited our former enemies.

(Applause)

(CUT TO door, as it is being opened by two pages.

Trentino and Vera enter. They both stop and bow

in acknowledgment of the applause coming over scene.

As they walk toward table and out of scene, Chico

and Harpo enter. The latter is carrying a carpet

runner, rolled up under his arm. He flips the

carpet runner away from him on the floor, holding

onto one end. It rolls out and Harpo strides

majestically down its length toward the table with

Chico following. Harpo pauses, brings to light a

cuspidor from under his coat, puts it on the

carpet and spits into it, and continues on, follow-

ing Chico, who is now ahead of him. Harpo breaks

into a run and he and Chico dash madly to the

table. They take seats on either side of Groucho

and without hesitating, start to eat the food in

front of them. The guests are standing. Trentino

and Vera arrive at their places and everyone sits

down.)

(Harpo reaches for a large service plate with a

pretty picture on it, pushes his plate away, breaks

the service plate with a knife... it breaks into

little pieces like a jig-saw puzzle. He mixes the

pieces up, and then starts to put them together again

... Groucho watches him... then helps him...)

Groucho

(Stopping Harpo as he tries to fit a piece)

No, no, this is the one...

(Picking up a piece and placing it...)

(A waiter places a dish of tasty food in front of

Groucho... he is just about to dig into it with his

knife and fork when Harpo turns the table toward

himself. This brings Groucho's food to Harpo, and

Chico's empty plate to Groucho...)

Groucho

That was awfully good, I think I'll have a second helping...

waiter...

(Snapping his finger to waiter off scene. The waiter

immediately appears placing a second dish in front

of Groucho. He starts to dig his knife and fork in-

to it again when Chico turns the table toward him-

self... This brings his food to Chico... Harpo lifts

his plate up and puts it down again when the table

stops turning... this time Groucho has nothing in

front of him...)

Groucho

If I don't stop eating I'll get indigestion...

A Woman Guest

(To the left of Chico... to Chico)

Would you mind passing the salt?

Chico

(Yelling to Harpo)

Hey, she wants some salt...

(Harpo takes salt shaker from man to his right,

places it in front of himself and gives the table

a quick turn toward the woman next to Chico...

Groucho is still without food. He rises and looks

about table... sees a dish of food in front of

Trentino, who is seated at opposite side of table...

Trentino is eating.)

Groucho

(Yelling to Trentino)

Ambassador, how's the food?

Ambassador Trentino

(Looking up and turning in direction of Groucho)

It's delicious, Your Excellency.

Groucho

That's all I wanted to know.

(He gives the table a quick turn and Trentino's

plate disappears as it spins around toward Groucho...

Just as it gets to Harpo, he lifts up the plate...

the table goes on a few feet more and when it stops,

Harpo puts down his plate and starts to eat...

again Groucho has nothing... Groucho picks up his

napkin and wipes his mouth.)

Groucho

I couldn't eat another thing.

(He stands up)

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce to you a man who is

a prince of good fellows, generous to a fault, his own worst

enemy and a devil in his own home-town...

(Applause... Groucho steps up on the table)

Groucho

Thanks, I didn't expect to be called upon... However, in con-

clusion I want to tell you that I promised Mrs. Teasdale I'd

marry her if we won the war.... Well, we won the war and I'm

stuck..... to the victor belongs the spoils....

(The table starts to turn slowly.... Groucho

starts to walk in opposite direction.... staying

in same place.)

In union there is strength.....

(The table moves a little faster .... Groucho in-

creases his pace accordingly..... CUT TO Harpo

and Chico now seated beside each other turning the

table.... CUT BACK to Groucho....)

Groucho

I feel that we are taking a step in the right direction, and

that's what I call balling the Jack......

(Speed of table turning increases. Groucho keeping

pace against it in tread-mill fashion....)

Now is not the time for political temporizing, all interests

must be sacrificed for the common weal....

(CUT TO Harpo and Chico turning table.... faster and

faster.... We CUT BACK to Groucho who is now

galloping to keep his spot but he's not going any

place)

All those who want to place their money on the wheel, step in-

side, faint heart never won fair lady.... Money won't grow in

your pocket like the hair on your head and now is the time for

all good men to come to the aid of their party.

(This FADES OUT on a shot with Groucho running madly,

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