Dudley Do-Right Page #2

the far reaches of the world.

Yes, he really was

a very bad guy.

It's all so easy.

All you have to do...

Is find 999

of the stupidest criminals

in north America...

And everything just

falls into place.

There's only one man

who can stop me now.

And that one man

could only be...

Dudley do-right of the

royal Canadian mounted police.

Meanwhile,

at an abandoned gold mine,

a sinister figure lurks.

I love to lurk.

It's so me.

Everyone knew there wasn't

any gold left in the old mine,

but it was part of snidely's

evil plan to put some there.

The old mine shaft

just caved in.

No.

I warned those kids.

Come on.

Time to go to the dark and

scary part of the forest.

Horse.

Fine.

I'll take the vehicle.

All right, you kids.

Come on out of there.

I'm hardly a kid!

Snidely?

Snidely whiplash.

Dudley.

Dudley do-right!

All right.

- Queensbury rules.

- Let's go. Put 'em up.

Ready when you are, d.D.

Why do you have a shotgun?

I was hunting.

In an abandoned gold mine?

Yes.

I was hunting for vampires.

Vampires.

Vampires.

'Fraid so.

Believe me, do-right,

they exist.

I don't believe you.

Hold this.

Examine, if you will,

this shell from a shotgun.

You'll notice it's not shot

but gold instead.

To kill a vampire,

you must drive a stake

through its heart or shoot it

with a golden bullet.

So,

then there really are

vampires around here?

Sadly, behind every tree,

practically.

What was that?

I shudder to speculate.

Um, I have to go.

I thought you might.

Um, so long.

Ciao.

And so it went.

While the evil whiplash was out hunting vampires,

our hero was at home,

hiding behind a cardboard

mountie cutout.

After all,

even to a real mountie,

vampires can seem

awfully scary.

Vampires, indeed.

Another week, and I'll have

those idiots thinking there's

gold in them there hills.

In the daylight hours,

snidely was hard at work...

Arranging a meeting

between a really big train

and the local bank president.

Is that a choo-choo train

I hear coming our way?

I can't do this

to our customers.

You'll own everything!

All right, all right.

I'll sign.

- All the mortgages are yours.

- And a teller

to be named later.

All right!

Pay up the mortgage now

or this quaint little

fixer-upper is mine.

- You're not our banker.

- I am now.

Read it and weep.

How can you do this to us?

How can I do this to you?

Madam, I was born to do it.

It's in my genes.

Now get out,

and take your munchkins

with you.

That's right. Chop-chop.

Single file.

And wipe that smile

off your face.

And no talking.

With his ill-gotten gains,

snidely whiplash was taking

over all of semi-happy valley,

and that included

the local motel,

the slaw-dogs stand,

the funeral home,

the very town itself.

- Naturally, local residents

became a mite concerned.

What's going on out here?

Wh-what's wrong?

We've all just lost

our homes and businesses.

Yeah.

Well, that's a relief.

- It is?

- Yes. I thought this was

about the vampires.

No! This is about

that bloodsucker,

snidely whiplash!

He's taken everything--

our homes, our businesses,

our farms!

- Yeah!

- What do you mean,

"vampires"?

- You mean, you don't know?

- No.

- The woods are filled

with them.

- What?

Run for your lives!

Our hero, Dudley do-right,

had never felt so alone.

Whiplash city was a ghost

town. His long-lost Nell had

been gone for years.

Now it was just him and horse.

It's just you and me, horse.

If I know anything, horse,

these two things are true:

Nell will never come back,

and you will never leave me.

Horse?

Horse!

Horse!

Where are you going?

There's vampires out there!

- Who goes there?

- What?

Don't "what" m--

Don't "what" me!

I know you're a vampire.

I'm gonna warn ya.

I've got garlic in here.

It's me, Dudley.

It's Nell fenwick.

Don't try and confuse me.

I know you're a vampire,

and I can prove it, too,

'cause only a vampire

wouldn't know the answer...

To this simple,

What is

Wayne gretzky's middle name?

- Well, I don't know, Dudley.

- Aha!

Well, do you?

No.

No, I don't.

My God!

I am a vampire!

You're not a vampire,

Dudley.

- Is something burning?

- Yeah, right.

Like you think I'm stupid

enough to fall

for that old trick.

It was at that precise moment

when Nell remembered...

That famous old

mountie movie song:

When I'm calling you

ooh-ooh-ooh

ooh-ooh-ooh

Nell!

It really is you!

Will you answer too

ooh-ooh-ooh

ooh-ooh-ooh

that means I offer my love

to you

- if you refuse me

- what shall I do

when I'm calling you

ooh-ooh-ooh

ooh-ooh-ooh

won't you come in, Nell?

Sure.

So, Nell,

what have you been doing

all these years?

Well, I went out and saw

the world, just like

I planned.

I got my master's

in philosophy from Yale,

a ph.D. In international

diplomacy from Harvard--

And then I served

as U.S. ambassador to Guam.

And?

And... now I've come home...

To get the one thing

a good education can't buy.

I got you.

You want one of those

fuzzy plaid blankets...

That they sell

down at the mountie store?

No, Dudley.

- Beach house

with a hot tub?

- No, I just--

Let's not play games, Nell.

I haven't had the chance

to say these words before,

and--

Dudley.

Nell, I--

Dudley! Dudley?

When I'm calling you

ooh-ooh-ooh

- enough with the song.

- Got it.

I'm sorry.

Where was I?

Maybe we should just go out.

I hear they're having an

authentic corn

festival dance...

At the reservation,

with fireworks and everything.

A quiet evening in front

of the fire avec moi,

toasting marshmallows,

drinking ovaltine.

Now I remember

what I was going to say.

Nell fenwick, I--

Whaa--

Hey--

Nell, I love you!

Though

she had traveled far and wide,

never before had Nell heard...

A confession of love

from a moose.

Let's just go

to the corn festival.

Okeydokey.

I'll get around to fixing

the floorboards next Tuesday.

Ooh.

I hope it's not

hunting season.

A little help here

for the moose?

Please? Thank you.

When I'm calling you

ooh-ooh-ooh

ooh-ooh-ooh

After finding the nearest

moose-head removal service,

Dudley and Nell made their way

to the corn festival.

Dudley, this is

totally authentic!

This is Canada, Nell.

Things are real up here.

Say,

there's the chief!

Chief! Chief!

Yes,

it was the chief of that

rarely-studied tribe

of South Brooklyn Indians,

known as

the canarsie kumquats,

or just the kumquats,

for short.

Dudley!

Long time no see.

You remember Nell.

Nell fenwick!

You look terrific.

How's it goin'?

- Me do well.

- Good for you, sugar.

Well, come on.

Let's go see the show!

This riverdance stuff

is really hot lately.

Dudley? You remember

standing room only, don't you?

Of course I do.

How are you,

standing room only?

Right. Look,

could we talk?

Certainly.

How!

Bravo! Bravo!

Okay, look.

A snitch I ain't,

all right?

But for the last week or so

I've been seein' this guy

out in the woods at night...

With this kinda Abe Lincoln

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