Dudley Do-Right Page #3

hat on and this opera coat...

Goin' around shooting rocks

and streams, crap like that,

with a shotgun.

- Yes? Go on.

- You don't think

that's weird?

No, no.

It's snidely whiplash.

He thinks he's hunting

vampires with gold bullets,

which scares the heck

out of me.

Vampires or gold bullets?

Vampires.

- I'll tell you what. You're

outta your friggin' mind.

- Me or him?

Me. Me, me.

Yeah.

That's a fine way

to talk to your chief.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

this particular mountie

has a date.

Wow.

Dudley.

I wish we could have stayed

for the fireworks.

The fireworks are

even more beautiful

from this vantage point.

Yes.

when I'm calling you

ooh-ooh-ooh

Dudley?

Not now, okay?

Yes, Nell.

Let's just row.

Of course, Nell.

That's when--

Meanwhile, that same night,

the poorest man

in semi-happy valley was

about to strike it rich.

Hello!

Enjoying your evening

thus far?

Thought I'd just drop in.

Found some gold, have we?

N-n-no. There's no gold

anywhere around here.

But there is--

lots of it,

all over the place.

And you--

you horrid example

of a human being--

Have made

the initial discovery!

You're famous. You will be

on network television.

Network television?

No way!

Now, stand up,

hold the pan out and smile.

- Can I-- can I

borrow your comb?

- Shut up and grin.

Welcome. Welcome

to our show. Have a seat.

Hi. How are you?

Well, they're calling this

the biggest gold strike

in history.

Certainly it's the biggest

gold find of the century.

Absolutely.

And the man who made it

all possible is here for

an exclusive interview today.

Mr. Kim j. Darling.

Welcome, Kim!

What's happening, Regis?

I'll tell you what's

happening, my friend.

You're what's happening.

Headlines all over the world.

How's it feel to have made

the biggest gold find

in a century?

Well,

I feel light-headed,

kathie Lee.

Well, your story

certainly has taken

the whole world by storm.

But, rege, the sad part is,

at least for Kim,

is he found all this gold...

- On land he doesn't own.

- I did?

But the owner is staking

no claim. He says

whoever finds the gold...

Gets to keep it.

- That's why the big gold rush

is on for northern Canada.

Stay tuned.

Bette midler is next.

- No!

- Yeah!

Meanwhile,

on the U.S.-Canadian border,

all is tranquil as usual.

You want some of me?

You want

some of Dwayne cuffman?

Come on, you son of a--

Ooh. Ha!

Passports! Hey, stop--

I must see your passports!

Trouble along

the Canadian-U.S. border

continues to mount.

They seem to be

yuppie wetbacks, mostly,

But a lot of them

are dentists.

And this just in. Scientists

discover that Canadian bacon

is ordinary ham.

What could be better

than a plan working

exactly as you planned it?

Nothing!

That's what's better.

- Drop it, whiplash.

- It's about time

you showed up.

About time?

We're here to kill you.

That won't be necessary.

Gentlemen, forgive my manners.

Please, take a seat.

You weren't in the Sudan.

- You don't say.

Where are all the other men?

- Where are they?

Heathrow, the Rome airport,

Mozambique.

We all ran out of money.

This could be

the right-sized group

I've been looking for.

- What are you talking about?

We're gonna kill you!

- You're not going to kill me.

- You're going to work for me.

- What? What?

I need you boys

to help me run the town.

Everyone's gone,

including the man

who ran the slaw-dogs stand.

Therefore, boys,

I'm gonna need your help

to run whiplash city.

Lefty, didn't you once

attend school?

Well, I-- yeah.

Good!

Well, now you're the new

superintendent for schools.

Thanks, whip.

This is a dream come true

for me.

Homer, didn't you once work

at McDonald's?

Well, yeah, whip,

but I'm your number-two guy.

I'm part of the brain trust.

Absolutely!

Now you can manage

the snidely whiplash

slaw-dogs stand.

Man.

I'm gettin' screwed.

And we're

going to need doctors.

Which one of you's

dumb enough to think

you can perform brain surgery?

Congratulations. You're

the town's new brain surgeon.

Aw.

Yes!

Yes, indeed.

- It's obvious we're going

to need a good psychiatrist!

- Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!

Honey? Look, honey!

Good-bye Las Vegas.

Hello whiplash city--

A place for parents to pan for

gold, bond with their children

carly get a picture!

I don't wanna.

Carly, get a picture!

And a place to prove

that white men can dance.

California, Georgia,

Puerto Rico--

But where are the Canadians?

Canadians like

to think things over

before they do something.

Americans just jump.

And thank goodness they do.

Did you like the way

I pronounced "Puerto Rico"?

Yeah.

I speak a little Spanish.

You're the complete package,

whip.

Yes, snidely had taken over

Dudley do-right's town.

- But little did he know

Dudley was devising a plan to

That Dudley was

hard at work devi--

Okay, I'm lying.

He was fast asleep,

dreaming about horse.

Reunited

and it feels so good

- horse! Horse! Horse!

- reunited

'cause we understood

there's one perfect fit

and, sugar

this one is it

we both are so excited

'cause we're

reunited

hey, hey

horse! It's so good

to see you again.

Nell's here, and you're here,

and if only I knew what that

snidely whiplash was up to.

You mean there

never were any vampires?

Wake up, will ya?

No! What else?

That dirty rat!

Whoa!

Hey, yo, whipster!

We're makin' a fortune!

So I see. So I see.

It's the same

with the gift shop

and the gas station,

and the funeral home should

be showing a profit if I've

got anything to do with it.

Mr. whip?

I was thinking,

with us gettin' rich and all,

that maybe we should...

Start playin' golf?

My word. You're a genius.

The par-72 golf course was

soon snidely's pride and joy,

and, thanks to

the complimentary golf balls

he gave to all his guests,

he never lost a game--

Ever.

Bad luck!

You must have looked up.

Stop right there, whiplash!

Do-right, you made me

hit the windmill!

No one talks when I shoot!

You da man, whip!

There's something going on

in semi-happy valley

that I don't approve of.

It's called "whiplash city"

now, mountie-boy. Ooh.

You remember Nell fenwick.

Nell!

Remember her?

He'd been in love with her since he was six.

Hello, snidely.

We've known each other

too long to be that formal.

Nell, will you stop that!

Zowie!

Cool hat.

We try.

So, what do you want,

totem-breath?

"Totem-breath"?

Well, it's the best

I could come up with.

It's hard to kiss

and think at the same time,

neither of which activity

you've had much experience

with.

What I want is for you to know

that I don't know for sure...

What you're up to, but you're

for sure up to something.

Well put.

And I sure intend to find out

what that something is.

Do-right, you'd need a psychic

to find out what I'm up to.

I don't think so.

Well, I think that's

a "gimme," boys?

- Yeah.

- Let's play the next hole.

Come join us, Nell.

- Nell!

- It's just snidely,

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