Due West: Our Sex Journey Page #2

I never would've guessed that Mrs. Chan

would be the first woman

to swallow my load.

Imagine that. She even seems to like it!

Come on, we're waiting.

Son, go get some drinks for us.

What?

Take care of our guests!

Uh, I...

I what?

What is wrong with you today?

Mom, you're always telling

me to study harder and

get a good grade.

Well, I'm trying to right now,

yet here you are playing mahjong!

How am I supposed to concentrate?

You say one thing, but do another.

I just can't take it.

What your son says is right.

Why don't we go to my place instead?

Right! It's rare for kids

- to be so studious these days.

- Let's go.

Mom's wrong. It won't happen again.

Thank you, mom.

What's the matter, officer?

We've received complaints

of objects being thrown from here.

How could that be? We're

just playing mahjong!

Well then, is this remote yours?

Well, all remotes look the same.

Wait. Weren't you just saying

you couldn't find yours?

Couldn't this be it?

Officer, you'd best check

before making allegations.

I don't know electronics. Ask my son.

Son, does this look like our remote?

This thing isn't from our home.

See? And it's so beat-up,

you could say it's anybody's!

What's the big deal. Try it and see.

It's so broken, there's no point.

This ought to work.

Dad!

After that incident,

mom never held another family meeting.

She never even mentioned it again.

It seemed like she wasn't

so strict, either.

It was almost like I was a freed slave!

However, everyone in the neighborhood

now knew who I was.

You're only 16. There's

still plenty of time.

Find a nice girl to lay.

You won't have to yank it yourself anymore.

Like it's that easy.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Wait for my word.

Wang Jing handed me a condom

like it was nothing

and left without a word.

Honestly, if I hadn't accidentally

once seen one in Dad's room,

I would have thought it was a piece of gum

and popped it in my mouth.

A box would have been nice.

At least that would have had

some instructions in it.

Son. It's for you.

When Jing told me to wait for his word,

I didn't ask for word of what.

But that very night,

he called and right off the bat said...

Done and dusted.

Why does "dusted"

necessarily follow "done"?

Why not "done and delivered"?

And what about the phrase.

"Lipstick on a pig"?

Why not a dress?

I drew a blank

and couldn't guess what Jing was up to.

Up until he mentioned meeting Zoey.

That woke me up!

Turns out we were going camping.

And wouldn't you know

it, a pig on the trip.

Here, let me help you.

I never asked Jing how he arranged

that date with Zoey.

And at that moment

it was the last thing from my mind.

Let me.

Oh, I can manage.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just need some cough syrup.

I was simply too focused on finding a way

to use that "stick of gum" he gave me.

Take it.

Your sausage is done.

Brush some honey on it.

Hey, Jean. Let's take a walk.

Why the hell should we do that?

To have a chat.

To have a chat?!

- Sure!

- Hey! Jean! Jean!

Hah. That was weird, huh?

Yeah... Pretty weird.

How about we put on some music?

Sure.

Can I get you a drink?

Sure, thanks!

Get some booze in her.

Once she's nice and drunk, you can...

ls there beer?

Yes...

- Then beer it is!

- Great...

Cheers!

Another one!

Really? You still want more?

Come on, drink with me.

Oh. Okay.

Bottoms up!

Give me another.

What? You really up to this?

I'm fine. You'll take care of me, right?

I sure will.

I'll take care of everything.

You sure you can keep drinking?

Of course! I'm a guy.

Who says I can't handle it? More!

Also, has anyone told you

you have two heads and four b*obs?

Do you think you're pretty?

Are you all right? Let me help you inside.

I'm fine.

Wasn't there something you

wanted to say? Say it!

The moon is like my heart.

What?

Do you believe in aliens?

F***ing aliens?!

You a**hole! Wasting my time!

You're so full of it.

I have an alien dissection video.

Wanna see?

Go to hell!

Your loss.

You're so pretty...

Really?

You know,

I've liked you for a long time.

Will you be my girlfriend?

Yes...

Finally.

And the rice is ready.

You guys already back?

Honey, you're so naughty!

And such was the result of mixing

soda, beer, and cough syrup: My virginity

given up to a pig wearing lipstick.

I wanted to kill myself

that night and be done with,

but they swore

they wouldn't tell anyone,

so I changed my mind.

But it's not like I could

just believe them.

I'm not stupid, you know.

Hey, what are you doing, sneaking around?

Don't run away, Frankie!

What's with you today, all disguised

with your dark glasses and everything?

You could still tell it's me?

Even if you had a bag over your head.

Never mind, I'm off to class.

You're in deep sh*t now!

Why? What happened?

Word has it that you...

failed your English test!

Is that all?

And that's not a big enough deal?

Forget him.

It's time for us to get to class. Let's go.

Frankly, I would've been better off

jerking into a toilet.

So that's what I tried

to convince myself had happened.

Say what you did this time.

Cursing.

Fine, then here is the punishment.

Go back and write a thousand times

"I will never swear again."

I didn't they'd keep their promise.

Next time will be worse.

Honey, I'm wearing a T-back today!

You like eating pigs' lips?

Now who's got the lifetime of bad luck!

Enough!

Yummy pig lips!

That was the last time I saw Zoey,

because after that I took charge

and made up my mind!

I'm going to England! And

I want to go tomorrow!

Like a lot of people,

I thought that I'd be hooking up

with blondes as soon as I arrived,

but that wasn't exactly the case.

You know what's worse than

being stuck with a porker?

Answer:
Being stuck in a herd of them.

Really, everything is relative.

This make me think back sometimes,

Jean wasn't actually that bad.

Of course, things aren't always bad.

Margaret, a British-Chinese mix,

was my only girlfriend in England.

Actually, she was my real first love.

A lot of people envied me for having

such a hottie the first time out.

But then, there are always

two sides to every story.

Almost!

Aw, it's just a game...

What? Kick with the left!

Don't get so upset. It's just a game.

This is a big match. I have to watch it.

Okay, I'll turn it off.

I'm sorry.

Come on, one more time.

Though Margaret and I

were both Arsenal fans,

I didn't think she would

copy their style, too,

playing with herself

outside the field like that.

So I decided to copy one

of my heroes, Batistuta,

and attack her full-force.

Turns out that sent Margaret

to the ER with a broken wrist.

Which is how I discovered my cup of tea

wasn't Earl Grey. Not traditional enough.

After that, I never dated

another white chick.

I went home to Hong Kong after graduating

and found a sales and marketing job

for a multinational.

Hey! "The Hypocritic" put up a new one!

Snow-white tits and pink nipples,

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