Dumb & Dumber

---

Excuse me.

Could you tell me how to get

to the medical school?

I'm supposed to be doing a lecture

in about 20 minutes,

and my driver's

a bit lost.

You go straight ahead,

and, uh, you make a left

over the bridge.

That's a lovely accent

you have.

- New Jersey?

- Austria.

Austria! Ha ha!

Well, then...

G'day, mate.

Let's put another

shrimp on the barbie.

Let's not.

Oh.

# Boom shack-a-lak-a,

what the people want #

# Women them a flex

and the men them a chant #

# 'Ca' the '60s style,

it have fe come back #

# Draw fe bell-bottom,

block heel and frock #

# Boom shak-a-lak,

rude boy #

# Here when we tell

them now, sir #

# Wine your body,

wriggle your belly #

# Dip and go down-ee

in the new stylee #

# Wine and go up,

wine and go down #

# Bubble and a rocka

to the new style around #

# You fe line it up,

you fe wine it up #

# Do the Boom shak-a-lak

till the dance hall fill up #

# I say the Boom shack-a-lak

are the brand new style #

# Wicked say it wicked,

jah jah, no say it wild #

# Ragamuffin style

fe the discipline child #

# Dip and go downa

'ca'it well versatile #

# You fe move fe your waist,

move fe your back #

# Wine and go down,

do the shack-a-lak-a-lak #

# Get in a groove

'ca'you are the top notch #

# Bubble and a wine gal

right 'pon the spot. #

Now, who's got

the wiener schnitzel?

Beautiful.

There you go, Dolf.

There you go, buddy.

Yeah.

Let's see.

Next, we got

roast beef au jus.

Who's got

the roast beef au jus?

Stella, beautiful.

Bon appetit, Stella.

Oui oui, yeah.

Walk away.

Go on. Go on.

Last but not least...

foot-long!

Who's got the foot-long?

There you...

very funny, rascal.

Very funny.

In your dreams.

Man:
Harry, why haven't you

dropped those dogs off at the show yet?

Uh, sir, I didn't

want to send them

to a performance

on an empty stomach, sir.

- Get a move on it!

- Yes, sir.

Mutt cutts.

Whew.

Suck me sideways.

Hello.

How are you?

Uh-uh-uh... uh...

uh-uh-uh...

I'll be out

in one minute.

Ow.

Why are you going

to the airport?

Flying somewhere?

How'd you guess?

I saw your luggage.

Then when I noticed

the airline ticket,

I put two and two

together.

So where're you headed?

Aspen.

Mmm... California.

Beautiful.

Name's Christmas,

Lloyd Christmas.

I'm Mary Swanson.

This isn't my real job,

you know.

- No?

- Nope, my friend Harry and I

are saving up our money

to open our own pet store.

That's nice.

- I got worms.

- I beg your pardon?

That's what we're going to call it...

I Got Worms.

We're going to specialize

in selling worm farms,

you know,

like ant farms.

What's the matter?

A little tense

about the flight?

Something like that.

There's really nothing

to worry about, Mary.

Statistically,

they say you're more likely

to get killed

on the way to the airport,

you know, like in a head-on crash

or flying off a cliff

or getting trapped

under a gas truck...

That's the worst.

I have this cousin...

well, I had this cousin.

Lloyd, could you keep

your eyes on the road, please?

Oh. Yeah.

Good thinking.

Can't be too careful.

A lot of bad drivers

out there.

Hey, watch it!

Okay, gang,

you know the rules...

no humping, no pushing,

no sniffing heinies.

Where have you been? My dogs were

supposed to be here 40 minutes ago!

Now I hardly have any time

to primp them.

Don't worry about a thing,

Mrs. Neugy-burger.

- Neugeboren!

- Neug-neug-neug...

- Boren!

- Boren.

These pooches aren't going to

need any primping.

You know why?

I'll tell you why.

Because I bathed them

and I clipped them myself.

And I stand by

my performance.

You know,

on second thought,

you might just want to run

a comb through 'em.

Male voice:

The white zone is for the immediate

loading and unloading

of passengers only.

No parking.

Thanks.

Here you go.

Oh no, Mary.

I couldn't possibly

accept that,

not after all

we've been through.

Thank you, Lloyd.

- Uh, good luck with your worms.

- Yeah.

Hey.

How about a hug?

The white zone

is for the immediate

loading and unloading

of passengers only.

No parking.

Oh.

I hate goodbyes.

Oh.

Uh, Lloyd...

Shh!

Just go.

Be strong.

Woman over PA:

Mr. Dan Mitchell,

please pick up

the white courtesy phone.

Mr. Dan Mitchell, please pick up

the white courtesy phone...

She's gonna leave the briefcase

near the escalator.

- You make the pickup.

- Piece of cake.

# Goodbye, my lo... #

ugh!

Hi!

Passenger Maura Tadge,

please pick up

the white courtesy phone.

You have a message.

Passenger Maura Tadge.

Agh! Mary!

Man:

There's our payday.

She left it.

Let's go.

Lloyd:
Excuse me!

Coming through!

Move it or lose it,

sister!

Hey!

Eenie...

meenie... minie...

mo!

Hold that plane!

Sir, you can't

go in there!

It's okay!

I'm a limo driver!

Agh!

Whew...

Hi, Lloyd.

Hi, Harry.

- How was your day?

- Not bad.

Fell off

the jetway again.

Who the hell you figure

this guy's

working for, anyway?

I don't know.

We sure as hell

better find out.

The ulcer?

I'll live.

- So you got fired again, huh?

- Oh, yeah.

They always freak out when you leave

the scene of an accident, you know?

Yeah, well,

I lost my job too.

Man! You are

one pathetic loser.

No offense.

No. None taken.

Ha ha ha!

You know what really

chaffs my ass, though?

I spent my life's savings

turning my van

into a dog.

Hi, Petey!

The alarm alone

cost me 200.

Hey!

Chicks love it.

It's a shaggin' wagon.

What's with

the briefcase?

It's a love memento.

The most beautiful

woman alive,

I drove her

to the airport.

Sparks flew,

emotions ran high.

She actually

talked to me, man.

Get outta here.

Oh, yeah yeah.

Tractor beam...

Sucked me right in.

Anyway...

She left this

in the terminal

and flew to Aspen

and out of my life.

What's in it?

Man... I would

have to be a lowlife

to go rootin' around in somebody else's

private property.

- Is it locked?

- Yeah, really well.

Harry:
There's two of them.

One of them's got a gun.

Did you pay

the gas bill?

Hey...

Do you realize what you've done?

I'm sorry.

I say we bail.

Okay.

Briefcase ain't here.

They must have

taken it with them.

Well, he's got to

come home sometime.

Maybe we should

trash the place,

send him

a little message.

I don't think he's going to get

that message, Joe.

I mean, the guy's got worms

in his living room.

Well.

Oh, I got

a better idea.

"I tought I taw

a puddy cat.

I did. I did. "

I can't believe

we drove around all day

and there's not

a single job in this town.

There is nothing,

nada, zip!

Yeah, unless you want

to work 40 hours a week.

Pfft!

Here. I'm going to

go to the store.

Okay, just get

the bare essentials.

This is the last

of our dough.

Hey. What do I

look like?

# Take a little walk

to the edge of town #

# Go across the tracks #

# Where the viaduct looms #

# Like a bird of doom #

# As it shifts

and cracks #

# Where secrets lie

in the border fires #

# In the humming wires #

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