Dumb & Dumber Page #2

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# Hey, man, you know

you're never coming back #

# Past the square,

past the bridge... #

# Past the mills,

past the stack... #

# On a gathering storm #

# Comes a tall

handsome man... #

Cripes!

# In a dusty black coat

with a red right hand. #

Excuse me,

little old lady.

Uh, do you have

change for a dollar?

Change?

No, I'm sorry.

I don't.

Oh... well, uh,

could you do me a favor

and watch my stuff here

while I go

break a dollar?

- Of course.

- Thanks.

Hey. I guess

they're right.

Senior citizens,

although slow and dangerous

behind the wheel,

can still serve

a purpose.

I'll be right back.

Don't you go dying on me!

- Ugh!

- Where's the booze?

I got robbed

by a sweet old lady

on a motorized cart.

I didn't even

see it coming.

Oh...

- Harry?

- No...

- No...

- Harry. Come on, Harry.

Cheer up.

It gets worse, Lloyd.

My parakeet Petey...

- Yeah?

... he's dead.

Aw...

Oh, man.

I'm sorry, Harry.

What happened?

His head fell off.

His head fell off?

Yeah, he was pretty old.

Ugh!

That's it.

I've had it

with this dump!

We got no food.

We got no jobs.

Our pets' heads are falling off!

Okay, just calm down!

What the hell are we

doing here, Harry?

We gotta get

out of this town!

Yeah? And go where?

Where are we gonna go?

I'll tell you where,

someplace warm...

a place where the beer

flows like wine,

where beautiful women

instinctively flock

like the salmon

of Capistrano.

I'm talking about

a little place called...

Aspen.

I don't know, Lloyd.

The French are a**holes.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

I know what you're up to, mister.

Yeah! You just

wanna go to Aspen

and find that girl

who lost her briefcase,

and you need me

to drive you there!

- Right? Am I right?

- Yeah. So?

- Am I right? Am I right?

- Yeah! So?

So I wanna go someplace

where we know somebody

who can plug us into

the social pipeline.

No! No no no!

No, Lloyd!

No! I say we stay here,

we hunt for jobs,

and we keep saving our money

for the worm store!

I don't know about you,

but I am getting

sick and tired

of-of running

from creditors!

You know what I'm sick

and tired of, Harry?

I'm sick and tired of having to

eke my way through life.

I'm sick and tired

of being a nobody.

But most of all...

I'm sick and tired

of having nobody.

Okay, Lloyd.

Aspen it is.

You'd better not

be foolin'.

Okay okay,

just let it out.

Have a good cry.

Come on.

Okay.

Okay, that's enough.

# I never met a girl #

# Who made me feel

the way that you do #

# You're all right #

# Whenever I'm asked

who makes my dreams real #

# I tell them you do,

you're outta sight #

# I'm bringin'you

a love that's true #

# So get ready,

get ready #

# I'm gonna try

to make you love me too #

# So get ready, get ready,

here I come #

# Get ready

'cause here I come... #

Lloyd,

what are you doing?

It feels like you're running

at an incredible rate, Harry.

Would you quit it?

We're not even through Connecticut yet,

and already

you're annoying me.

- Sorry.

- Jeez.

- We're really doing it, aren't we?

- Yeah.

Hey, where'd

you get those?

I bought them

when we filled up.

Well...

We're supposed to talk

about all

expenditures, Lloyd.

We're on a very

tight budget.

This didn't come out

of our travel fund.

Oh.

No, I was able to raise

before we left.

Where did you get

I sold some stuff

to Billy in 4C.

The blind kid?

Yeah!

Yeah.

What did you

sell him, Lloyd?

Stuff.

- What kind of stuff?

- I don't know.

A few baseball cards,

a sack of marbles...

Petey.

Petey?

You sold my dead bird

to a blind kid?

Lloyd, that-that...

what are you...

Petey didn't even

have a head!

Harry,

I took care of it.

Pretty bird.

Yeah. Can you say,

"pretty bird"?

Pretty bird.

Yes, pretty bird.

Pretty bird.

Polly want a cracker?

Those rat bastards.

They're rubbing it

right in our faces.

Man, Andre'll have

a goddamn hemorrhage

if we don't get

that briefcase back.

They must have been

following us for weeks.

- Why you say?

- "Gas Man. "

How the hell do

they know that I got gas?

They gotta be pros.

Don't worry.

We're going to get that money back.

And I'll tell you

something else,

they ain't never

getting to Aspen.

I'm going to see to that.

Lloyd:

They got The Monkees.

They were a major influence

on The Beatles.

Yeah, I know.

Excuse me, Flo?

Flo, like the TV show.

Uh... what is

the "soup du jour"?

It's the soup of the day.

Mm-hmm...

That sounds good.

I'll have that.

Anything else

before I leave the area?

No... yeah...

yes yes,

my soda's flat.

It doesn't have

any bubbles.

Happy now?

Feels good to mingle

with these laid-back country folk,

don't it, Harr?

I like it a lot.

- Uh-oh.

- What? What's the matter?

You spilled the salt,

that's what's the matter.

Spilling the salt

is very bad luck.

We're driving

across the country.

The last thing we need

is bad luck.

Quick. Toss some salt

over your right shoulder.

Uh-oh, too little

too late, Harry.

Who's the dead man

that hit me with the salt shaker?

Harry:

Well... uh...

it was a terrible

mistake, sir.

Please, believe me.

I would never do anything

to offend a man

of your size.

Kick his ass,

Sea Bass!

You gonna eat that?

What? That?

No... yes... no.

Well... no,

it crossed my mind.

Yeah.

Still want it?

Nah, you go ahead.

You really

wimped out, man.

What are you talking about,

wimped out?

Well-well, did you...

the guy hawked on my burger!

Hey, wait a second.

I think I just...

Yeah...

I just had an idea.

Follow me.

Whew.

Lloyd:

Excuse me. Guys?

What the hell

do you want?

Uh... I just want

to apologize

for that uh...

unpleasant scene

a little earlier.

My friend Harry and I

would, uh...

like to buy

you guys a...

round of beers...

just to bury

the hatchet.

Make it

four boilermakers.

Whatever you want, sir.

I'll have the waitress

bring it over immediately.

Lloyd, what are you doing?

We can't afford

to buy them drinks.

Um... excuse me.

Sea Bass and the fellas

offered to pick up our check.

They said just put it

on their tab.

They're very nice.

Sea Bass said that?

Well, if uh...

that guy at the table

over there is Sea Bass.

Ah! Uh.

All right,

if that's what he wants.

Put these

on there too, okay?

You got it.

I'm gonna kill

those sons of b*tches!

That was genius, Lloyd,

sheer genius!

I mean, where did you come up

with a scam like that?

- Saw it in a movie once.

- That was incredible!

So what happened?

So the guy tricks some sucker

into picking up his tab,

then gets away with it scot-free?

No, in the movie, they catch up to him

a half-mile down the road

and slit his throat.

It was a good one!

Wow.

- Harry?

- What?

I know this isn't

the best time, but...

- when you get a chance to pull over...

- Yeah?

- I gotta pee.

- What, are you crazy?

I'm not pulling over now.

But I gotta go!

What am I supposed to do?

Well-well, whiz in one of the empty beer

bottles in the back.

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