Dumb and Dumber

FADE IN:

EXT. PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND - WINTER MORNING

A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting for a bus. She's carrying

books and looking very collegiate.

A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past, SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES,

and backs up. The Young Woman stares at her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is

all about.

Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD CHRISTMAS, age

30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit.

LLOYD:

Excuse me, can you tell me how to get

to the medical school? I'm supposed

to be giving a lecture in twenty

minutes and my driver's a bit lost.

YOUNG WOMAN:

(heavy European accent)

Go straight aheads and makes a left

over za bridge.

Lloyd checks out her body.

LLOYD:

I couldn't help noticing the accent.

You from Jersey?

YOUNG WOMAN:

(unimpressed)

Austria.

LLOYD:

Austria? You're kidding.

(mock-Australian accent)

Well, g'day, mate. What do you say

we get together later and throw a few

shrimp on the barbie.

The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away.

LLOYD (CONT.)

(to self)

Guess I won't be going Down Under

tonight�

He SIGHS and zips the window back up.

INT. LIMO

Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S

CAP on his head and drives away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER!

The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE:

DISPATCHER:

(v.o.)

Carr 22, come in, car 22�

Lloyd grabs his CB mike.

LLOYD:

This is 22.

DISPATCHER:

22, where the hell are you, Lloyd?

You're running late on the East Side

pick-up.

LLOYD:

Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my

way.

DISPATCHER:

(v.o.)

Well hurry it up. And make sure you park legally. One more ticket and

your ass is history.

CUT TO:

EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY

This building is white with black spots on it, like a DALMATION. Over the front door is an

awning shaped like a DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside.

The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs hanging off the sides, a tail in the

rear, and a dog's snout on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it.

HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in a ridiculous BEAGLE

COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it,

and a swarm of DOGS pile out.

HARRY:

Okay, gang, single file. You know

the rules:
No pushing, no humping,

and no sniffing heinies�

The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR. PALMER, sticks his head out.

PALMER:

Hey, why aren't those mutts on

leashes?

HARRY:

The same reason you're not on a

leash, sir � because it's demeaning

and it chafes like hell.

PALMER:

Just get them in here now! They all

have to be bathed and clipped in an

hour.

Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but they pay no attention. He struggles

to keep them from wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits them on a

wall.

HARRY:

You kids stay right here�

As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall isn't a wall � it's a flatbed truck. The

truck drives away, taking the two dogs with it.

HARRY (CONT.)

(at truck)

Hey, wait a minute!

Harry chases after the vehicle.

CUT TO:

EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY

Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined driveway. He gets out and looks up in

awe at an IMPRESSIVE STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the front

door and RINGS THE BELL.

The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON appears. She's 25 and

gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when he lays eyes on her.

MARY:

Hello.

(beat)

I'll be just a minute�

As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his

arms, his hair, behind his ears�

CUT TO:

INT. LIMO - DAY

Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the window, lost in thought. She's got a

BRIEFCASE resting on her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps glancing at her

in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he is speechless. Then:

LLOYD:

Why you going to the airport? Flying

somewhere?

MARY:

(dead-pan)

How'd you guess?

LLOYD:

Well, I saw your luggage, then when I

noticed the airline ticket, I put two

and two together.

(beat)

So where you heading?

MARY:

Aspen.

LLOYD:

Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear

California's beautiful this time of

year.

Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another glance.

LLOYD:

Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.

MARY:

I'm Mary.

ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate to impress her.

LLOYD:

Uh, this isn't my real job, you know.

It's only temporary.

MARY:

Oh?

LLOYD:

Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I

are saving up our money so we can

open our own pet store.

MARY:

That's nice.

LLOYD:

(smiling)

I got worms.

MARY:

I beg your pardon?

LLOYD:

That's what we're gonna call it: I

Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in

selling worm farms � you know, like

ant farms. A lot of people don't

realize that worms make much better

pets than ants. They're quiet,

affectionate, they don't bite, and

they're super with the kids.

MARY:

Aren't ants quiet, too?

Lloyd realizes she has a point.

LLOYD:

Uh� well, sure � but they aren't half

as affectionate. And if you cut an

ant's head off, it won't grow back.

MARY:

I see.

LLOYD:

And best of all, worm farming is a

seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year

industry. I wouldn't mind having a

piece of that pie, if you know what I

mean.

To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks at her watch and crosses her legs.

Lloyd can see that she's concerned about something.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What's the matter? Little tense

about the flight?

MARY:

(beat)

Something like that.

Lloyd SWIVELS AROUND and STARES over his shoulder at her.

LLOYD:

It's really nothing to worry about,

Mary. Statistically, they say you're

more likely to get killed on the way

to the airport. You know, like in a

head-on crash, or something.

MARY:

Um, Lloyd, could please keep your

eyes on the road.

LLOYD:

Good thinking. There's a lot of bad

drivers out there.

Lloyd turns back to the steering wheel.

CUT TO:

EXT. AIRPORT - DAY

Lloyd is putting the last bags on a cart. He closes the trunk and turns to Mary. She looks nervous

and disconcerted as she reaches into her purse. She pulls out a ten-dollar tip.

MARY:

Here you go.

LLOYD:

Keep it. It was my pleasure.

For the first time, Mary Swanson offers a slight smile. This makes her more lovely than ever.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Relax, Mary. Just get trashed and

pass out. You'll be there before you

know it.

MARY:

Thanks Lloyd.

(beat)

And good luck with your worms.

Then she PICKS UP HER BRIEFCASE and walks into the terminal, followed by a PORTER

pushing her bags. Lloyd watches her, ENCHANTED, until she's out of sight.

Afterwards, he climbs back into the limo, LOVESICK. For a moment he doesn't even have the

energy to turn the key. He just drops his head against the steering wheel, DEVASTATED. There's

a TAP on the window. Lloyd looks up to see a POLICE OFFICER standing there.

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