Dumb and Dumber Page #2

POLICE OFFICER:

Come on, move it, you're in a red

zone.

Lloyd starts the limo and pulls away.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Mary looks tense as she moves through the throngs of travelers. Her pace is slow, deliberate, and

her eyes are focused straight ahead.

She passes a row of phone botths and two MEN � one dressed in an ARMANI SUIT, the other in

a PLAID SPORTCOAT � watch her.

ARMANI SUIT:

She's gonna leave the briefcase at

the foot of the escalator. You make

the pick-up.

PLAID SPORTCOAT:

Piece of cake.

EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

As Lloyd pulls his limo slowly away, he glances in the airport window and SEES MARY

WALKING ALONG.

When she stops at the foot of the escalator, he stops, too. She puts down the briefcase and checks

her coat pocket for her ticket. Lloyd's attention is distracted by a HONK. He turns to see a car

directly behind him.

LLOYD:

(to car's driver)

Drive around me, you pinhead!

When he turns back to watch Mary in the terminal he sees that SHE'S GONE, and she's LEFT

HER BRIEFCASE AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS. Lloyd jumps to ATTENTION.

He pulls the car into a HANDICAPPED SPOT and hops out. He starts to run into the terminal,

then notices the Police Officer and suddenly goes into a spastic walk, limping and dragging him leg

behind him like a palsy victim.

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL

The Armani Man nods to the Plaid Sportcoat and he starts to approach the briefcase. Just as Plaid

Sportcoat is reaching for the handle, LLOYD RUNS BY AND GRABS IT. He CONTINUES UP

THE ESCALATOR three steps at a time. The two men look at each other, dumbstruck.

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - BOARDING GATE

Lloyd runs with the briefcase to the TV monitors that post the departure times. He looks

frantically at the confusion of numbers.

LLOYD:

Damn!

QUICK CUT of a dejected Lloyd looking out the window as he watches as Mary's airplane taxiing

away.

EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Lloyd comes out with the briefcase, passing the two men, who FOLLOW HIM AT A

DISTANCE. He starts walking down the sidewalk when suddenly he STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.

HIS POV - his limo is being towed away � under the supervision of the Police Officer.

He takes off after it, but to no avail.

LLOYD:

You can't do this! I'll lose my job!

As Lloyd watches the limo get towed out of site, he runs his fingers through his hair.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON

We see the Mutt Cuts van pull up and park at the curb. A dejected Harry climbs out. At the same

time, a taxi pulls up and drops off Lloyd. (He's clutching Mary Swanson's briefcase.) Both he and

Harry climb the steps of the building. They disappear inside without acknowledging each other.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET - a black Cadillac pulls up and parks. Inside are the

Armani suit and the Sportcoat. They are J.P. SHAY and JOSEPH MENTALINO (aka JOE

MENTAL).

MENTAL:

Who the hell do you figure this guy's

working for?

SHAY:

I don't know, but we'd better find

out�

Mental takes some PILLS and starts CHOMPING them.

SHAY (CONT.)

Your ulcer?

MENTAL:

It ain't gonna kill me.

INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR

Lloyd and Harry trudge up the stairs and proceed silently toward the door of their apartment.

INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

Lloyd and Harry ENTER and pass each other quietly as they both plunk down in their favorite

easy chairs. (Lloyd still has the briefcase in his lap.) Harry's caged parakeet, PETEY, tweets hello,

but the two guys just sit there SILENTLY.

The place is a mess. Wallpaper's peeling off the walls. The carpet is threadbare and filthy. In the

corner we see a miniature WORM FARM and a large terrarium filled with dirt and worms. Here

are a couple pieces of haggard furniture with stuffing spilling out of the gashes.

HARRY:

I got fired again.

Lloyd shakes his head.

LLOYD:

I don't mean to be harsh, Harry, but

let's face it, you are one pathetic

loser. No offense.

HARRY:

None taken. Were you shitcanned,

too?

LLOYD:

Of course not.

(beat)

I quit.

HARRY:

Why'd you quit?

LLOYD:

I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire

me.

HARRY:

Why didn't you wait and see if

your suspicions were well-founded?

LLOYD:

Winners control their own destiny,

Har.

Lloyd fetches a couple beers from the fridge and throws one to him.

HARRY:

You know, the thing that really chaps

my ass is that I just spent my life

savings turning my van into a poodle.

(beat)

The alarm alone cost me two hundred.

LLOYD:

Big deal. That car's an old bomb

anyway.

HARRY:

What are you talking about? It's

only six years old.

LLOYD:

That's forty-two in dog years.

They open their beers and drink simultaneously. Then Harry notices the briefcase.

HARRY:

What's with the briefcase?

LLOYD:

It's a love memento.

HARRY:

Huh?

LLOYD:

The most beautiful woman alive. Her

name was Mary. I drove her to the

airport. Sparks flew, emotions ran

high, breasts heaved. She left this

case in the terminal and flew to

Aspen and out of my life. End of

story.

HARRY:

What's in it?

LLOYD:

DO you really expect me to go

snooping around in someone else's

private property?

HARRY:

Why not?

LLOYD:

(beat)

It's locked.

They take another sip of their beers. Suddenly we hear a LOUD KNOCK at the door. Petey the

parakeet starts to SQUAWK. The guys look at each other, ALARMED, then Harry tip-toes to the

PEEPHOLE.

HARRY'S POV - a DISTORTED-LOOKING J.P. Shay and Joe Mental are standing at the door.

LLOYD:

(WHISPERING to Harry)

Friend or foe?

HARRY:

(WHISPERING)

We don't have any friends.

Harry is still squinting out the peephole.

HARRY:

Can't recognize them. Could be

student loan thugs again, or the IRS,

or maybe somebody pissed off about

that case of Girl Scout cookies you

bounced a check on.

LLOYD:

Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The

little swindlers gave me Peanut

Butter Praline.

HARRY:

Well, whoever they are, they look

serious. One of them's even wearing

plaid.

LLOYD:

(cringing)

That's a hostile pattern. I say we

bail and get down to unemployment.

Lloyd GRABS THE BRIEFCASE and the two of them EXIT out the window and down the fire

escape.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON

The poodle van pulls up to the curb in front of the building and PARKS NEXT TO A FIRE

HYDRANT. Lloyd and Harry climb out. Lloyd takes a trash can and places it OVER THE

HYDRANT, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.

INT. STANLEY GRABNER'S OFFICE - UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON

STANLEY GRABNER is small, plump, balding, not a lot of laughs.

GRABNER:

Gentlemen, I'm delighted to say that

neither I nor the unemployment

department of the state of Rhose

Island can do anything for you.

(beat)

You've run out of chances. You're

unemployable. Remember last year?

Middle of winter I busted my butt to

get you both prime jobs. Twelve-

fifty an hour, and you went and blew

it!

LLOYD:

Blew it? For your information, we

only missed three days in two months.

HARRY:

Yeah, and that was because of a

blizzard

GRABNER:

(exploding)

YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS!

Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted.

HARRY:

Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find

something else for us. How about

another crack at that Suicide

Hotline?

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