Dumb and Dumber Page #3

Grabner jumps up.

GRABNER:

OUT!!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the

bedroom.

MENTAL:

The briefcase ain't here. He must've

taken it with him.

J.P. SHAY

Sh*t.

(beat)

Well he's gotta come home sometime.

Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage.

MENTAL:

Maybe we should leave him a little

message to let 'em know we're playing

hardball.

Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around the bird, who SCREECHES IN

TERROR.

MENTAL (CONT.)

(a la Tweety Bird)

I taut I taw a puddy cat.

Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone-chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird

stops SQUAWKING.

MENTAL (CONT.)

(still Tweety)

I did, I did�

DISSOLVE TO:

The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd and Harry climb out and mope up to

their apartment building entrance.

LLOYD:

Give me what's left of our dough.

I'll go to the corner and buy a few

necessities.

Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night

Train?

HARRY:

Get Robitussin � it's a better buzz.

CUT TO:

EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT

Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries. He stops at a newspaper machine,

pulls out his WALLET and removes a quarter.

He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE

HAND to pick up the newspaper. He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper,

and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET STILL INSIDE.

Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks his pockets. NO MORE

CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN struggles by using a WALKER.

LLOYD:

Excuse me, little old lady, do you

have change for a dollar?

ELDERLY WOMAN:

Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't�

LLOYD:

Well could you do me a favor and

guard this while I go break a dollar?

My wallet's locked in this machine.

ELDERLY LADY:

Of course, young man�

Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as Lloyd EXITS a few

seconds later with a handful of quarters. Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY,

HER WALKER, AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he sees that

SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING STAIRWELL - NIGHT

A thoroughly beleaguered Lloyd is trudging empty-handed up the steps to his apartment.

INT. LLOYD & HARRY'S APARTMENT

The door opens and Lloyd ENTERS. Harry is sitting on the couch, looking almost comatose.

HARRY:

Where's the booze?

LLOYD:

It's gone. I got robbed by Grandma

Walton. She got my wallet, too.

Harry drops his head and lets out a MOAN.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Come on, man, cheer up. We've been

down before. I'm sure we'll land on

our heads somewhere.

HARRY:

It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet

Petey � he's� he's dead.

Lloyd looks touched by this.

LLOYD:

Oh man, I'm sorry, Harry. What

happened?

HARRY:

His head fell off.

LLOYD:

His head fell off?

HARRY:

Yeah, he was pretty old.

Lloyd puts his hand on Harry's shoulder compassionately.

LLOYD:

(hopeful)

I don't suppose he had a warranty�?

HARRY:

Nah, I bought him used.

As Lloyd thinks about the unfairness of life, he grows upset.

LLOYD:

That's it! I've had it with this

dump! We don't have food, we don't

have jobs, our pets' heads are

falling off, we're surrounded by

roving gangs of larcenous old

ladies�

HARRY:

Okay, calm down.

LLOYD:

No I won't calm down.

Lloyd flops down in a chair.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What the hell are we doing here

anyway, Harry? We've got to get out

of this town.

HARRY:

Yeah, and go where?

LLOYD:

I'll tell you where: someplace warm,

a place where the beer flows like

wine, where beautiful women

instinctively flock like the salmon

of Capistrano.

(dramatic PAUSE)

I'm talking about Aspen.

HARRY:

Aspen?

LLOYD:

That's right, Aspen.

HARRY:

I don't know, Lloyd, the French are

a**holes.

LLOYD:

Let me ask you something: do you want

to end up like Petey � dead in some

flea-ridden apartment, face-down on a

Dear Abby column, with a soggy

sunflower seed pressed against your

beak? Or do you want to enjoy your

life?

(beat)

Come on, Harry, don't let Petey's

death be in vain. Don't you see what

he was saying? Spread your wings,

man. he was saying? Spread your wings,

man. Fly.

HARRY:

(confused)

What are you talking about, Lloyd?

His head fell off.

(dawning realization)

Wait a second, I know what you're up

to. You just wanna go to Aspen so

you can find that girl who lost her

briefcase � and you need me to drive

you there.

LLOYD:

That's bullshit. I'll drive.

(beat)

And what's so wrong about going

someplace where we know someone who

can plug us into the social pipeline?

HARRY:

(torn)

I don't know, Lloyd. I think we

should stay here, hunt for jobs, and

keep saving money for the worm store.

I'm getting a little sick and tired

of always running from creditors.

Lloyd moves to the window and looks out at the gray, wintry cityscape.

LLOYD:

You know what I'm sick and tired of,

Harry? I'm sick and tired of having

to eek my way through life. I'm sick

and tired of being a nobody.

(beat)

But most of all, I'm sick and tired

of having nobody.

There's a deadly SILENCE as they both think about this. Then Harry tries to lighten the mood. He

opens his arms wide.

HARRY:

Come on, Lloyd. Give us a kiss.

LLOYD:

On the other hand, maybe you're

right, Harry. Maybe we should stay

here and try our luck in bankruptcy

court. With all those lawsuits

against us, I'm sure we'll win at

least one. It could be a boost to

our egos.

Harry sees that Lloyd has a point. He stands and approaches Petey's cage. His eyes fill with tears.

HARRY:

(emotional)

Petey, I made a promise to you once,

man�

(thinking hard)

�and I'll be damned if I can

remember what it was.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The Mutt Cutts van is going down the highway while Danny Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" plays on the

soundtrack. The van drives past and we HOLD ON a sign that reads: "YOU ARE LEAVING

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND. COME BACK SOON." VARIOUS OTHER AERIAL

SHOTS of the car travelling down the road while the song continues to play.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

Harry's behind the wheel and Lloyd's in the passenger seat. The Animal's "We've Got to Get Out

of This Place" is BLASTING on the radio and the guys are SINGING ALONG:

LLOYD & HARRY

"We've got to get out of this place,

If it's the last thing we ever do,

We've got to get out of this place,

Girl, there's a better life, for me

and you�"

Lloyd turns down the radio.

LLOYD:

Well, we're finally doing it. Do you

realize that in all the years we've

known each other, this is the first

time we've done this together.

HARRY:

Been run out of town?

LLOYD:

Taken a trip.

Harry reaches over and UNDOES HIS SEATBELT. Lloyd watches, curious.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Why'd you do that?

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