Dumb and Dumber Page #4

HARRY:

What?

LLOYD:

Take your seatbelt off.

HARRY:

Because we just cleared the danger

zone.

LLOYD:

Huh?

HARRY:

Don't you know anything, Lloyd?

Ninety percent of all accidents

happen within five miles of home.

We've already traveled 6.3 miles.

Lloyd thinks about this. Then:

LLOYD:

Well what about the people who live

around here? What if we got into an

accident with one of them?

Harry considers this, then sheepishly puts his seatbelt back on. Lloyd opens a bag of Doritos and

fiddles with the radio.

HARRY:

Where'd you get those?

LLOYD:

Bought 'em when we filled up.

HARRY:

Lloyd, I thought we agreed to confer

on all expenditures. We're on a

tight budget, remember?

LLOYD:

This didn't come out of our travel

fund. I was able to scrape up

twenty-five bucks before we

left. You know, so we could live in

style.

HARRY:

Where'd you get twenty-five extra

bucks?

LLOYD:

I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C.

HARRY:

You mean the blind kid?

LLOYD:

That's right.

Lloyd looks out the window guiltily.

HARRY:

What did you sell him, Lloyd?

LLOYD:

Just some odds and ends.

HARRY:

Specifically?

LLOYD:

Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of

marbles, Petey, three comic books �

HARRY:

--Wait a second, are you telling me

you sold my dead bird to a blind kid?

LLOYD:

Well who else was I gonna sell it to?

HARRY:

But Lloyd, Petey didn't even have a

head.

LLOYD:

Put your mind at ease, friend. I

took care of it.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

At the bottom of the stairs leading up to the building is a little blind boy, BILLY. He sits in a

wheelchair playing with a PARAKEET WHOSE HEAD IS SCOTCH-TAPED ON. He throws the

dead bird up, but it flops into his lap.

BILLY:

Fly!

Joe Mental and J.P. Shay approach and climb the steps.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON A NOTE - taped to Harry and Lloyd's apartment door. It reads: TO ALL OUR

LOVED ONES - PACKED UP AND DROVE TO ASPEN - HAVE A NICE LIFE - LLOYD

AND HARRY.

PULLBACK to reveal Joe Mental and J.P. Shay.

MENTAL:

Those bastards. They're rubbing it

right in our faces.

J.P. SHAY

Sh*t! Andre will have a goddamn

aneurysm if we don't get that

briefcase back.

MENTAL:

Don't worry, we'll get it back. And

I'll tell you something else. They

ain't gonna reach Aspen, either.

I'll make sure of that.

Mental takes out more ANTACID PILLS and starts to chew on them.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

A pissed-off Shay and Mental EXIT the building. Mental pops more antacid pills into his mouth as

they descend the stairs. Little Billy is still tossing the lifeless parakeet into the air.

BILLY:

Come on, boy, fly!

Plop. Then Billy hears Shay and Mental on the steps and CALLS OUT:

BILLY (CONT.)

Excuse me, mister. Is there

something wrong with my bird?

Mental picks up the bird, studies it, then angrily and WINGS IT DOWN THE STREET as hard as

he can.

MENTAL:

Don't worry, Ironside, he just flew

south for the winter.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON

Harry is still driving while Lloyd studies a map spread out before him.

HARRY:

How far have we gone?

LLOYD:

According to this map, about an inch

and a half.

HARRY:

Sh*t. We're gonna need a smaller map

or we'll never get there. We don't

have enough gas money.

LLOYD:

Relax. We have more than enough.

HARRY:

I believe you're wrong, Lloyd.

LLOYD:

And I believe I'm right, Harry.

HARRY:

I still say wrong, Lloyd.

LLOYD:

How much you wanna bet?

HARRY:

I don't bet.

Lloyd looks at his friend, incredulous.

LLOYD:

What do you mean you don't bet?

HARRY:

I mean I don't gamble, you know that.

Never have and never will.

LLOYD:

Oh, bull. I'll bet you our next meal

that I can get you gambling before

the day's out.

HARRY:

There's no way, Lloyd. You can't do

it.

LLOYD:

I'll give you three-to-one odds.

That's three feedbags if you win,

against only one if you lose.

HARRY:

You're wasting your money, Lloyd. I

already told you, I don't gamble.

LLOYD:

Okay, five-to-one I can get you

gambling before the day's out.

HARRY:

Sorry, pal, no way.

LLOYD:

Make it ten-to-one.

Harry sticks out his hand.

HARRY:

You got yourself a bet, sucker!

As Harry SHAKES LLOYD'S HAND, Lloyd breaks into a BIG SMILE. Harry immediately

realizes he's been had.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF� - AFTERNOON

The Mutt Cutt van is sandwiched between mountainous tractor-trailer trucks.

INT. TRUCK STOP CAF�

Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a booth, surrounded by tables of tough-looking TRUCKERS. Harry

doesn't look happy. A middle-aged, no-nonsense WAITRESS approaches their table with a couple

of burgers and drinks. She puts them down in front of the boys and starts to walk away.

LLOYD:

(to Waitress)

Uh, excuse me�

The Waitress reluctantly returns to the table.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What's the soup du jour?

WAITRESS:

It's the soup-of-the-day.

LLOYD:

Sounds tasty. I'll have a bowl.

WAITRESS:

(sarcastic)

Anything else before I leave the

area?

HARRY:

Actually, this chocolate milk isn't

mixed very well. Could you please

bring me a spoon?

The Waitress SIGHS and picks up the milk. Then she BLOWS INTO THE STRAW, MIXING

THE DRINK.

WAITRESS:

There. Now you don't need one.

The guys watch her stomp away.

LLOYD:

Feels good to mingle with these laid-

back country-folk, don't it, Harry?

Harry wipes off his straw with a napkin. As he moves to put it in the ashtray, he accidentally

KNOCKS OVER THE SALT SHAKER.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Uh-oh�

HARRY:

What's the matter?

LLOYD:

You spilled the salt. That's bad

luck. We're driving across the

country and the last thing we need is

bad luck. Quick, toss a handful of

salt over your right shoulder.

HARRY:

What for?

LLOYD:

Because that's good luck.

Harry shrugs, shakes some salt into his palm, and flings it over his shoulder. Suddenly they hear a

YELP.

MALE VOICE:

(o.s.)

What the f***?!

LLOYD:

Or was it the left shoulder?

They turn and see a burly TRUCKER wiping salt out of his eyes.

TRUCKER:

Who's the dead man threw sh*t in my

eye?

The huge Trucker stands and squints at Lloyd and Harry. He's wearing a FOAM BASEBALL

CAP that says:
WINE 'EM, DINE 'EM, SIXTY-NINE 'EM.

HARRY:

It was a terrible accident, Sir.

Believe me, I would never do anything

to offend a man of your size. Please

accept my most sincere apology.

The Trucker GROWLS and approaches the table, egged on by his equally burly FRIENDS.

BURLY FRIEND #1

Teach him a lesson, Sea Bass!

Sea Bass glares down at Harry's hamburger.

SEA BASS:

You gonna eat that?

HARRY:

Um� the thought had crossed my mind.

At this, Sea Bass leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF TOBACCO SPIT ONTO

THE HAMBURGER.

SEA BASS:

Still want it?

Harry stares at the burger non-commitally.

HARRY:

Nah, you go ahead.

Sea Bass picks up the burger and walks back to his table, to the LAUGHTER of his friends.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF� - AFTERNOON

J.P. Shay is at the gas pump filling the black Cadillac while Joe Mental stretches his legs. A large

truck pulls away, REVEALING THE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN MUTT CUTTS VAN. Mental

smiles at this, and we

CUT TO:

INT. TRUCK STOP CAF�

The Waitress drops the check on Lloyd and Harry's table and STOMPS away. Harry studies the

bill and SIGHS.

Rate this script:4.3 / 4 votes