Dumb and Dumber Page #5

HARRY:

Perfect. I'm out eight bucks and I

still haven't eaten.

LLOYD:

Well if you'd stop picking fights

with the locals�

(brightening)

Wait a second. I think I just had an

idea. Follow me�

Lloyd stands and walks over to Sea Bass and his pals. A nervous Harry trails after him.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Excuse me, gentlemen, I'd just like

to apologize for that unpleasant

scene a little earlier.

SEA BASS:

Huh?

LLOYD:

What I'm trying to say is, my friend

and I would like to buy you guys a

round of beers, just to bury the

hatchet.

Harry stares at Lloyd like he's out of his mind, but the Truckers seem to like the idea.

SEA BASS:

Make it four boiler-makers.

LLOYD:

Whatever you want, sir. I'll have

the waitress send them over. Oh, and

fellas � hope to see you again down

the road.

Lloyd and Harry move away from the table toward the CASHIER.

HARRY:

Lloyd, what are you doing? You know

we can't afford to buy them drinks.

Lloyd hands the Cashier their check.

LLOYD:

Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered

to pick up our check. They said just

add this to their tab.

CASHIER:

(skeptical)

Sea Bass said that?

LLOYD:

Well, if that guy at the table over

there is Sea Bass�

He points across the room to Sea Bass and company. Sea Bass NODS TO THE CASHIER AND

GESTURES TO HIS TABLE, NOT WANTING TO MISS OUT ON HIS FREE DRINK. The

Cashier is convinced.

CASHIER:

Okey-dokey, if that's what he

wants�

Harry smiles at this. He grabs a couple Beef Jerky's, a candy bar, and a copy of The National

Enquirer off the counter.

HARRY:

Oh, and put these on there, too.

CASHIER:

You got it.

LLOYD:

(to Cashier)

By the way, how far is it to Rhode

Island from here?

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCK STOP CAF� - AFTERNOON

The front door BURSTS OPEN and a red-faced Sea Bass STORMS OUT, followed by his

buddies, the Cashier, and the Waitress.

SEA BASS:

I'm gonna kill those sons-of-b*tches!

CASHIER:

Hurry and you'll catch 'em. They was

on their way to Rhode Island.

The Truckers jump in their rigs and RUMBLE AWAY � in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION our

boys are headed.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON

The Mutt Cutts van breezes by.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON

A jubilant Harry's driving and chewing on a mouthful of Beef Jerky.

LLOYD:

I just wish we could've seen Sea

Bass's face when he got the bill.

HARRY:

I hope we never have to.

LLOYD:

Don't worry. That fish-head is

probably half-way to Providence by

now.

HARRY:

I hope so.

Harry checks his rear-view mirror nervously.

LLOYD:

Hey, stop the car. I gotta take a

whiz.

HARRY:

Are you crazy? I'm not stopping now.

What if they figure out we went the

other way. They'll be on us in no

time.

LLOYD:

But I gotta go. What am I supposed

to do?

HARRY:

Hold it.

LLOYD:

I can't hold it. I'm about to

explode.

HARRY:

Well� just take a whiz in an empty beer

bottle. There's a couple on the

floor in the back seat.

LLOYD:

Are you serious?

HARRY:

Yes, I'm serious. I'm not stopping

now. We could get killed.

Lloyd SIGHS. He takes an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE from the back seat and UNZIPS his fly.

Suddenly we hear a PEEING SOUND. Then:

LLOYD:

Uh-oh�

HARRY:

What's the matter?

LLOYD:

The bottle's almost full and I'm

still going.

HARRY:

Well stop going.

LLOYD:

I can't stop once I already started,

you know that. Quick, get me another

bottle.

Harry can BARELY HOLD THE STEERING WHEEL as he reaches way in the back seat for an

empty.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Jesus, be careful! You almost went

off the road.

HARRY:

I'm sorry, Lloyd. I'm doing the best

I can.

He hands Lloyd another empty and Lloyd quickly makes the switch.

LLOYD:

Here, hold this.

Before Harry knows it he's holding the full BOTTLE OF URINE.

EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY

As the Mutt Cutts van travels down the highway, it passes a STATE TROOPER on a motorcycle

hidden in the bushes. The Trooper takes off after them.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN

Harry is doing his best to steer while now holding FIVE FULL BOTTLES AND Lloyd is still

going at it in the passenger seat.

HARRY:

What are you, a goddamn camel?

LLOYD:

Hey, I haven't gone all day.

Just then they hear a LOUDSPEAKER:

STATE TROOPER:

(o.s.)

Pull over!

They turn to see the POLICE MOTORCYCLE cruising right beside then. Harry rolls down his

window and CALLS OUT:

HARRY:

Huh?

STATE TROOPER:

PULL OVER!

Harry glances down at his sweater he's wearing, then back at the Trooper.

HARRY:

(calling out)

No, it's a Cardigan! But thanks for

noticing!

He rolls his window back up and turns to an equally baffled Lloyd.

HARRY (CONT.)

Jesus, what is this, the fashion

police?

The Cop turns on his SIREN.

STATE TROOPER:

PULL YOUR CAR TO THE SIDE OF THE

ROAD!

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - LATE DAY

The STATE TROOPER is walking up beside the stopped Mutt Cutts van, staring at it with

disapproval.

STATE TROOPER:

License and registration, please.

Harry hands him the papers.

STATE TROOPER (CONT.)

You know, you fellas were all over

the road back there.

HARRY:

Yes, sir, we had a little�

difficulty in the car.

STATE TROOPER:

Uh-huh.

(beat)

Have you boys been doing a little

drinking maybe?

HARRY:

No, sir.

STATE TROOPER:

Then what's that?

He points to the OPEN, FULL BEER BOTTLES hidden in the seat between them.

HARRY:

Oh, that's nothing, sir.

STATE TROOPER:

Do you know it's against the law to

drive with an open alcohol container

in this state?

LLOYD:

But, your honor, he's telling the

truth. It's not beer.

The officer smirks.

STATE TROOPER:

Is that right?

The Trooper reaches in and picks up one of the bottles. He inspects the beer label, then MOVES

THE BOTTLE TO HIS LIPS.

HARRY:

Sir, I wouldn't �

STATE TROOPER:

--You'd keep your mouth shut if you

knew what was good for you.

LLOYD:

(under breath)

You would, too�

Harry shoots Lloyd a look as the Trooper begins GULPING down the piss. He pauses uncertainly

and a SICK LOOK COMES OVER HIS FACE. He takes a DEEP BREATH. Then:

STATE TROOPER:

(pained)

Get the hell out of here.

CUT TO:

The Mutt Cutts van is pulling back onto the highway while the officer remains in the breakdown

lane with his hands on his knees.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

The van is making steady progress through the dark night.

INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - NIGHT

Lloyd is driving now while Harry sleeps in the passenger seat. The song, "Cut Flowers" by The

Smithereens, starts to play as Lloyd FANTASIZES about his future in Aspen.

DISSOLVE TO:

LLOYD'S FANTASY:

Lloyd is walking up the steps of a luxurious, snow-covered chalet, carrying Mary's briefcase. The

sky is absurdly blue and children are making a snowman on the lawn. It's all out of a dream world.

He KNOCKS on the door, tentatively. Mary opens it. She looks at him, then at the briefcase, and

breaks into the BIGGEST, SWEETEST SMILE he's ever seen. Then she slowly backs into the

house, gesturing for him to follow�

Lloyd follows Mary down a hallway. As he trails after her, she pulls off her shirt, revealing her

bare back, and glances over her shoulder at him.

CAMERA MOVES around a corner and now we're in a STEAMY BATHROOM. The shower is

running and we see the silhouette of two people behind the curtain.

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