Dumb and Dumber Page #6

LLOYD:

(v.o.)

Ooh� ooh� Mary�

MARY:

(v.o.)

How does that feel, Lloyd?

LLOYD:

(v.o.)

Mmmm� tingly�

INT. SHOWER

CLOSE ON LLOYD - we see he's taking the TEGRIN CHALLENGE, with different shampoos

on either side of his head and a noticeable part down the middle.

MARY:

(o.s.)

How's the other side?

LLOYD:

Nothing. Nothing at all.

MARY:

(o.s.)

Lloyd, will you wash my nipples�?

ON MARY - her hair is slicked back, making her look better than ever. As the CAMERA PANS

DOWN toward her breasts, we are surprised to see not breasts but a SET OF HEADLIGHTS

SUPERIMPOSED OVER HER CHEST AREA. The headlights FLASH ONCE. Then TWICE.

ON LLOYD - he blinks, confused at what's happening.

JUMP CUT TO - an eighteen-wheeler is ROARING RIGHT TOWARD THE MUTT CUTTS

VAN on the highway. Lloyd quickly veers back into his lane and avoids tragedy by a whisker. A

shaken Lloyd lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF, and we

CUT TO:

EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON HOTEL - NIGHT

The Mutt Cutts van is parked outside this seedy establishment. A neon sign blinks: GROUP

DISCOUNTS - HAVE YOUR NEXT AFFAIR HERE.

HARRY:

(v.o.)

I don't know, Lloyd, I feel a little

sleazy staying here when we're not

even engaged.

LLOYD:

(v.o.)

Hey, it's the only motel that charges

by the hour. We can't afford

anything else.

INT. BATHROOM - SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL

Lloyd and Harry are sitting in a large, HEART-SHAPED JACUZZI. Lloyd is sipping a beer and

Harry is absorbed in the Enquirer as the water swirls around them.

LLOYD:

Yep, this sure is the life. Cold

beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink

sheets� You know, there's only one

thing that could make this moment any

better.

HARRY:

What's that?

LLOYD:

If you had a nice set of knockers.

HARRY:

That's two things, Lloyd.

LLOYD:

Right now I'd settle for one.

Lloyd takes a swig of beer. Harry puts down the paper and looks around at the romantic decor.

HARRY:

I don't know, Lloyd, these places

just don't do it for me. Brings back

too many memories.

LLOYD:

What happened, Harry? Some little

filly break your heart?

HARRY:

Nah, it was a girl. Fraida Felcher.

We stayed at a place like this once �

the No-Tell Motel out on Route 31.

LLOYD:

Felcher? You mean the babe who

worked for the tractor company?

Harry nods.

HARRY:

The same. We had this incredibly

romantic time. Boy, I thought we'd be

together forever.

(SIGHS)

Then about a week later, right out of

the blue, she sends me a John Deere

letter.

LLOYD:

That's cold, Har. Give you any

reason?

HARRY:

I called her up and she gave me some

crap about me not listening to her

enough or something like that. I

wasn't really paying attention.

Harry reaches for a beer and busts it open. He takes a big gulp.

HARRY (CONT.)

Thing that really hurts is I think

she was seeing another guy. Never

did find out who.

ON LLOYD - he does his best to hide his GUILT.

CUT TO:

EXT. SECOND HONEYMOON MOTEL - NIGHT

We see that the black Cadillac is parked a few cars over from the Mutt Cutts van with J.P. Shay in

the passenger seat. PAN OVER to a payphone. Inside is Joe Mental. Outside the booth, an

ANXIOUS MAN impatiently paces back and forth as he waits for the phone.

MENTAL:

(into phone)

The boys are holed-up in a little

love nest for the night. I think

they're a couple of f***ing weirdos.

INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT

NICHOLAS ANDRE is pacing around the room with a cordless phone. He's in his late 30s, wears

a ponytail, and dresses in Aspen/Rodeo Drive chic.

ANDRE:

What in hell are those guys up to?

Is it possible that they're Feds?

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

MENTAL:

Unlikely from what I've seen.

The ANXIOUS MAN taps on the phone booth and motions for Mental to hang up.

ANDRE:

I don't like this one goddamn bit,

Mental. You and Shay were supposed

to grab that bag so we could end this

sh*t. Now I don't know what the

hell's going on.

Andre SIGHS and wipes some perspiration from his upper lip.

The Anxious Man KNOCKS on the booth again.

MENTAL:

Hold on a second, Mr. Andre�

Mental puts the phone down and motions the Anxious Man closer to the booth. The Man moves

forward a few inches. Mental motions him even closer. When he's about a foot away, Mental

punches his hand through the glass of the booth and knocks the Anxious Man out cold. Then

Mental picks up the phone again.

MENTAL (CONT.)

Sorry, boss. You were saying�?

ANDRE:

Look, Mental, just find out what

they're up to. I want to know who

these guys are.

MENTAL:

Don't worry. I'm on it.

Mental hangs up the phone, looks around to make sure he's not being watched, then approaches

the parked Mutt Cutt van. He's joined by J.P. Shay.

As they get within five feet of the vehicle, we hear a LOW GROWL. They stop in their tracks and

turn, expecting to see a dog � but there isn't one. They both take another step forward, and the

GROWL GETS LOUDER AND MEANER. Again, Mental and Shay stop. He peeks under the

car. Nothing.

SHAY:

What the f***�?

Finally, Shay reaches for the door handle. As soon as he touches it, though, the car alarm goes off

� but instead of a siren, it's the incredibly annoying sound of a POODLE YAPPING. Mental jumps

back and pulls his gun.

MENTAL:

Where's the goddamn dog?

Shay shrugs, nervous. The YAPPING grows EVEN LOUDER now, forcing a flustered Shay and

Mental to retreat from the scene.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SWANSON CHALET - ASPEN - NIGHT

ESTABLISHING SHOT of a luxurious mountainside home.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SWANSON CHALET

An agitated Mary Swanson (the young woman who lost her briefcase) is pacing back and forth in

an impressive, antique-filled living room. Seated on a couch are her father KARL and his much-

younger second wife, HELEN.

MARY:

It just doesn't make any sense. I

left the money exactly where they

instructed me to.

HELEN:

Actually, it makes a great deal of

sense, Mary. We should have called

in the authorities the moment we knew

Melvin had been kidnapped.

KARL:

Now, Helen, we've been through this

already �

HELEN:

Oh, for Christ's sake, Karl, these

bastards will extort us into

bankruptcy if we let them.

MARY:

But I'd never forgive myself if

something happened to Melvin.

KARL:

Stop upsetting my daughter, Helen.

She's been through quite enough

already.

MARY:

It's not her fault, Daddy. We're all

a little on edge.

Just then the living room door opens and the pony tailed Nicholas Andre ENTERS. He looks

appropriately solemn.

ANDRE:

Has there been any word, Mr. Swanson?

KARL:

Nothing yet, Nicholas.

Andre looks upset.

ANDRE:

Perhaps I should call off the

Preservation benefit this weekend.

It would be easy enough to re-

schedule.

HELEN:

No, Nicholas, it's imperative that we

carry on as usual.

The atmosphere in the room couldn't be more somber. Karl Swanson holds his hand out to his

daughter.

KARL:

Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll do

everything they ask. Nothing's going

to happen to Melvin, I promise you.

MARY:

Thank you, Daddy.

Karl Swanson looks out the window, concerned.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The black Cadillac pulls over to the side of the road. Joe Mental gets out of the car and props the

hood open. He takes out his gun, SLIDES IN A NEW CLIP, and puts it back in his pocket.

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