Dumb and Dumber Page #7

MENTAL:

(to Shay)

Lie down on the front seat. After

they pick me up I want you to follow

us.

Then he folds his arms and the two killers wait for the van to come along.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

Lloyd taps Harry's shoulder.

LLOYD:

You're it.

Harry taps Lloyd back.

HARRY:

You're it.

Lloyd immediately taps Harry.

LLOYD:

You're it. Quitsies.

HARRY:

(tapping him back)

Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies.

No anti-quitsies. No startsies.

Lloyd shakes his head, defeated.

LLOYD:

Damn, you're good, Harry.

(beat)

Hey, didn't I tell you this trip

would be a blast?

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Joe Mental squints down the road, sees the Mutt Cutts van approaching, and starts WAVING HIS

HANDS to flag them down.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN

Through the windshield we can see Mental waving. The guys don't slow down, through. The just

WAVE BACK as they BLOW RIGHT BY HIM. Harry also toots the horn, which makes the

SOUND OF A DOG BARKING.

LLOYD:

See, I told you these country folks

were friendly, Harry.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

As an angry Mental watches them disappear down the road, Shay sits up in the front seat.

SHAY:

What happened?

MENTAL:

These f***ers are really pissing me

off now.

CUT TO:

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER THAT DAY

We hear The Zombie's 'Time of the Season' as the van flashes by.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

HARRY:

Refresh my memory on something,

Lloyd:
what exactly do we do when we

get to Aspen?

LLOYD:

Well the first thing we do is take a

good deep breath of that famous

Aspenese air.

HARRY:

Fresh, huh?

LLOYD:

The freshest. They say on any day of

the week you can smell a moose-fart

ten miles away.

HARRY:

(sincere)

Wow� talk about paradise.

(beat)

And after we're finished breathing,

what next, Lloyd?

LLOYD:

Then we make a splash on the social

scene.

Just then, Lloyd notices something up the road.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Harry, look � the golden arches. Pull

over, I'm starving.

CUT TO:

EXT. MCDONALD'S - DAY

The Mutt Cutt car is at the drive-through window.

MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE

�That's two cheese burgers, two

fries, and two medium Cokes. Five

seventy-two.

Harry hands a ten-dollar-bill to the Employee, who returns a handful of change.

HARRY:

Thanks.

Then, before he can give them the bag of food, the guys absentmindedly DRIVE OFF. As they

pull out of the parking lot, the McDonald's Employee sticks his head out the window and WAVES

THE BAG OF FOOD at them.

MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE

Hey!

But the guys are already around the corner.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The Mutt Cutt van is on the road again, cruising along.

INT. MUTT CUTT VAN - DAY

HARRY:

About this social scene � how do you

expect a couple mutts like us to make

a splash in the land of pedigrees

when we don't even have any money?

LLOYD:

Look, once we drop the briefcase off

to Mary, she'll be so grateful she'll

plug us right into the party circuit.

After that, we do a little of the ski

scene, hob-nob with the elbow-

rubbers, and walk out of there in the

spring with enough business

connections to open a first-class

worm operation. You see, you don't

get rich working, Harry. You get

rich knowing the rich.

HARRY:

Where'd you hear that?

LLOYD:

Some bum down at unemployment.

Harry thinks about this.

HARRY:

I don't know, Lloyd.

LLOYD:

What's the matter?

HARRY:

Money does terrible things to people.

I mean, we could lose our friendship.

Lloyd thinks about this.

LLOYD:

Yeah? So?

Harry nods and looks out the window. Suddenly SOMETHING DAWNS ON LLOYD.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Hey, wait a second. Hold everything.

HARRY:

What?

LLOYD:

Aren't you forgetting something?

Harry thinks about this.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Back at Mickey D's? A little matter

you might've overlooked�?

Harry wracks his brain, but to no avail.

HARRY:

What?

Lloyd rolls his eyes.

LLOYD:

My change.

As a sheepish Harry gives Lloyd his change, they notice something up ahead.

HARRY & LLOYD'S POV - on the side of the road, JOE MENTAL IS WAVING THEM

DOWN AGAIN. This time the Cadillac is PARKED SIDEWAYS ACROSS THE ROAD,

BLOCKING THEIR PATH.

HARRY:

I think this guy's in trouble. Why

don't you pull over.

Lloyd looks at Harry. Harry remembers that he's driving. He pulls the car to the side of the road.

Mental approaches the passenger window.

MENTAL:

You guys going as far as Des Moines?

My car died and I'm late for a

business meeting.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - DAY

They're back on the highway and Joe Mental is SITTING BETWEEN THEM, looking extremely

ANNOYED. The guys are in the middle of an argument.

HARRY:

It's a fruit.

LLOYD:

It's a vegetable.

HARRY:

I'm telling you, it's a fruit.

LLOYD:

And I happen to know it's a

vegetable.

HARRY:

Tell you what, why don't we leet an

impartial judge decide.

LLOYD:

Fine with me.

Harry turns to Joe Mental.

HARRY:

Hey, Mr. Mentalino, settle our bet:

Are jelly beans fruits or vegetables?

Mental grits his teeth as he pops a few antacid pills in his mouth. He reaches into his coat pocket

and we see a GLINT OF STEEL. Just when he's about to pull the gun out, though, Lloyd hits the

breaks and SKIDS to a stop beside a bunch of hitchhiking MIGRANT WORKERS.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER

The trio have picked up SIX MIGRANT WORKERS and everyone is crammed into the car �

including a CRYING BABY who sits on a pissed-off Mental's lap. Someone's playing a

FLAMENCO GUITAR and the gang is SINGING a SPANISH SONG.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - LATER STILL

The Migrant Family is gone now. Harry and Lloyd are playing a game while Mental stares straight

ahead, furious. His eyes are watering and he looks ill.

LLOYD:

Okay, Harry, my turn. Let 'er rip.

Harry lifts a cheer and lets out a LOUD FART. Lloyd SNIFFS a few times, then closes his eyes

and WAFTS it up toward his nostrils, as if it was the aroma of a fine wine.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Hmmm� full-bodied, delicate bouquet,

aged to perfection �

HARRY:

--I will rip no fart before it's

time.

(beat)

Come on, Marquis of Dingleberry's

rules:
you got ten seconds.

LLOYD:

All right. I'll say: cheese doodles,

chili dog � extra onions, garden salad

with blue�

HARRY:

And�?

LLOYD:

Kit-Kat bar.

Harry throws up his arms, defeated. He hands Lloyd a buck.

HARRY:

You're the best, man.

(beat)

Okay, my turn.

LLOYD:

Where are your manners, Harry? We

have a guest.

Harry punches Mental's shoulder playfully.

HARRY:

Come on, Mr. Mentalino. Let one fly.

It's only a buck.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO CAF� - LATE AFTERNOON

A large neon road sign beside the caf� shows a man's exasperated face with FLAMES

SHOOTING FROM HIS NOSE, MOUTH AND EARS. The sign advertises: HOTTEST CHILI

PEPPERS NORTH OF THE BORDER.

INT. DANTE'S INFERNO

Lloyd and Harry are sitting at a table with a hateful Joe Mental. The boys are each holding up a

POINTED RED CHILI PEPPER.

HARRY:

I'll do one if you will.

LLOYD:

Okay, you go first.

HARRY:

No, you go first.

LLOYD:

No, you go first.

MENTAL:

Why don't you both stop being a

couple of pussies and go at the same

time. It ain't that hot.

Rate this script:4.3 / 4 votes