Dumb and Dumber Page #8

Lloyd and Harry exchange a look, then simultaneously BITE INTO THE PEPPERS.

LLOYD:

Hmmm, not bad�

HARRY:

Yeah, more tingly than hot.

Suddenly the boys' EYES LIGHT UP. THEY LET OUT A SHRIEK. A smile begins to curl on

Mental's lips. He pours them a couple glasses of water from a pitcher.

MENTAL:

Have some water. It'll help.

Lloyd and Harry � who are both sweating profusely now � start to GULP down their water. This,

of course, makes it burn more.

MENTAL (CONT.)

Aw, shucks, that's right. Water just

makes it worse�

The boys run to the bar and DUMP PITCHERS OF WATER ON THEIR HEADS, much to the

delight of a CHUCKLING Joe Mental.

CUT TO:

EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY

Mental is on the phone outside the front door TALKING to Nicholas Andre.

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

MENTAL:

It's Mental. I'm just sitting down

to a nice meal with our boys.

ANDRE:

Good work. What did you find out so

far?

MENTAL:

Nothing yet, but I'm gonna shake 'em

down for information at lunch.

(beat)

Then I'm gonna kill 'em for dessert.

ANDRE:

Well eat fast, time's running out.

And whatever you do, don't let them

get any closer. I don't need them

here running around Aspen.

Mental pulls a BLACK VIAL OF PILLS out of his jacket.

MENTAL:

Relax, they ain't gonna be running

around anywhere after I dump a little

cyanide in their pops.

INT. DANTE'S INFERNO - DAY

Back at the table, the boys are soaked and HUFFING as if they just finished the Boston Marathon.

The burgers have been served, but Lloyd and Harry are still too traumatized to touch them.

HARRY:

That really wasn't very polite of

him, was it? Maybe we should loosen

the screws of his chair.

LLOYD:

Harry Dunne, I'm surprised at you.

Perhaps it's about time you brushed

up on a little tome that we God-

fearing adults call the Bible. It's

crammed with all kinds of pithy rules

to live your life by.

HARRY:

(humbled)

You mean like 'turn the other cheek?'

LLOYD:

No, I mean like 'an eye for an eye.'

Hand me those peppers � the atomic

ones.

Harry passes the jar and the two of them LOAD JOE MENTAL'S BURGER WITH CHILI

PEPPERS, EXPERTLY CAMOUFLAGING THEM WITH LETTUCE.

HARRY:

(whispering)

Here he comes.

Lloyd and Harry bite into their food as Joe Mental sits back down at the table.

MENTAL:

Feeling any better, boys?

As he pours ketchup on his burger, the guys glance at each other and TITTER. Then he picks it

up and brings it to his mouth. Just before biting into it, though, he PAUSES.

MENTAL (CONT.)

So tell me, why you fellas headed to

Aspen? Vacation?

LLOYD:

More like re-location.

Mental starts toward the burger but stops again.

MENTAL:

Doesn't look like you packed much.

All I saw was a couple bags� and

that briefcase.

HARRY:

The briefcase isn't even ours. Some

lady just left it at the airport.

We're bringing it back to her.

This is news to Mental.

MENTAL:

You mean you don't even know her?

LLOYD:

Not really. I was just her limo

driver.

Mental looks at the two of them and realizes that they're serious. Then he BREAKS OUT

LAUGHING.

MENTAL:

Talk about being in the wrong place

at the wrong time�

Lloyd and Harry share a confused look. Mental shakes his head and BITES INTO HIS BURGER,

CHEWING HEARTILY. Almost immediately, his happy demeanor is replaced by a LOOK OF

HORROR. His FACE TURNS RED, HE GRABS HIS STOMACH AND FALLS TO THE

GROUND, GASPING.

The boys look at each other guiltily, then bend down to help him.

HARRY:

Hey, you okay, man? It was just a

goof.

MENTAL:

(STRAINED WHISPER)

My ulcer� quick� pills� in my

coat�

Harry checks Mental's coat pocket for his antacid pills but unwittingly brings out the BLACK OF

CYANIDE PILLS. He shakes some pills out and hands them to Mental, who tosses them in his

mouth and starts to MUNCH on them.

For a moment, he appears to improve. His BREATHING SLOWS and he sits up. Then his EYES

LIGHT UP.

MENTAL'S POV - QUICK ZOOM IN on the black bottle Harry is holding!

MENTAL:

You son-of-a-b*tch!

Mental GURGLES and keels over, DEAD.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - AFTERNOON

Lloyd and Harry are back on the road, looking solemn.

HARRY:

I can't believe it�

LLOYD:

Life is a fragile thing, Har. One

minute you're chewing on a burger;

the next minute you're dead meat.

HARRY:

But he blamed me. You heard him.

Those were his last words.

LLOYD:

If you don't count that gurgling

sound.

Harry lets out a GROAN.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Hey, relax, man, I'm just as

responsible as you are � we both slipped

him the peppers � and look at me, I

don't feel guilty at all.

HARRY:

Small comfort coming from a man who

sells dead birds to blind kids.

(SIGHS)

Don't you get it, Lloyd. I've got a

dead guy pissed at me. His restless

spirit will probably haunt me for the

next seventy-five years.

LLOYD:

That's ridiculous. You probably

won't live to see forty.

Harry perks up, cheered by this thought.

HARRY:

Oh yeah.

(beat)

Wow. What a relief.

EXT. HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON

As the Mutt Cutts van flashes by on it's westward journey, we

CUT TO:

EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - EVENING

A DOCTOR is covering up the body of Joe Mental as he TALKS to DETECTIVE DALE. The

detective is a no-nonsense type in his mid-forties with a military-regulation crewcut.

DOCTOR:

�My official conclusion is that the

deceased expired from oxygen

deprivation caused by the presence of

cyanide in the bloodstream.

DT. DALE

You mean he was poisoned?

DOCTOR:

Unquestionably. We found these by

the body.

He holds up the container of cyanide pills. Dt. Dale nods and approaches another COP in the b.g.

COP:

Waitress says he was with a couple of

younger guys. They're the ones who

called the ambulance � then they hit

the road.

DT. DALE

Any idea where they were going?

COP:

A witness at the next table thought

he heard them say they were driving

to France.

Dale frowns at this and the Cop shrugs.

COP (CONT.)

We got a report they were seen

heading west on I-80 toward Colorado.

DT. DALE

Get a make on the vehicle?

The Cop consults his note pad.

COP:

Yes, sir. They were driving an '84

poodle.

Dt. Dale does a double-take.

DT. DALE

An '84 what?

COP:

(straight-faced)

Well it might have been a wire-haired

terrier, Detective. They're very

similar in appearance.

The Detective looks confused, as we

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

The boys are extremely exhausted as they plow through the black night toward Aspen.

HARRY:

Let's get off and crash at a motel

before I crash into one.

(yawning)

I need a crib fast.

LLOYD:

Sorry, Har. We're gonna have to hold

out. Seems we misjudged our expense

allocation. If we pay for a motel we

won't have enough for gas.

HARRY:

What happened to the dough?

LLOYD:

We over-leveraged.

HARRY:

On what?

LLOYD:

I sprung for Mr. Chili Pepper's last

meal. Felt it was the least we could

do after we deep-sixed him.

HARRY:

Wait a second � one burger put us over

budget?

LLOYD:

The slob ordered a double-bacon

deluxe and a chocolate malt.

HARRY:

Oh.

(beat)

So what are we gonna do?

LLOYD:

Drive. We've only got ten more

hours. We can take turns.

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