Dumb and Dumber Page #9

CUT TO:

EXT. DANTE'S INFERNO - PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT

A frightened J.P. Shay is TALKING on the phone with Nicholas Andre.

SHAY:

You heard me, he's dead. The

bastards killed him.

INT. NICHOLAS ANDRE'S STUDY - NIGHT

Andre nervously lights a cigarette as he speaks.

ANDRE:

Jesus Christ�

Andre's forehead begins to glisten with perspiration.

ANDRE (CONT.)

All right, I want you back here now.

If they're coming this way I'm going

to need you.

SHAY:

(v.o.)

How's our bankroll doing? Giving you

a hard time?

ANDRE:

Melvin's not the problem. It's these

two other guys that have me worried.

I wish I knew what the hell they

wanted.

Andre hangs up the phone and then disappears down his basement stairs.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

The room has a dirt floor. There's a stone WELL in the middle. We hear MUFFLED HUMAN

WHIMPERING coming from deep within the well. Andre walks to the edge of the dark hole.

ANDRE:

How you doing today, Melvin?

Andre takes a hit off his cigarette and flicks it into the well.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

The Mutt Cutts van cruises down the lonely interstate.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

Lloyd is now FAST ASLEEP in the passenger seat as Harry drives on. A roadsign reading

DENVER - 602 MILES whizzes by. Todd Rundgren's "Too Far Gone" begins to play while Harry

peers at the empty highway INTROSPECTIVELY. As the song plays we see a series of quick

shots:

A new sign says DENVER - 421 MILES. Lloyd is still asleep with his feet now on Harry's lap.

Another sign reads DENVER - 201 MILES. Harry stares straight ahead, practically catatonic.

Lloyd's feet are out the window and his head is on Harry's lap.

The next roadsign says DENVER - 157 MILES. Lloyd's feet are now up over the headrest and his

head is down where his feet should be. Harry looks on the verge of blacking out.

Finally, a sign reads COLORADO STATE LINE - 25 MILES/FOOD, GAS NEXT EXIT.

EXT. TRUCK STOP - 2:10 IN THE MORNING

The Mutt Cutts van pulls up to a gas pump. In the background are several tractor-trailer rigs and a

caf�. Harry climbs out, thoroughly exhausted, walks around and opens the passenger door.

Lloyd tumbles to the asphalt, STILL ASLEEP. Harry nudges him with his foot.

HARRY:

Come on, wake up. You pay, I'll

pump.

Lloyd comes to and grudgingly pulls himself up to his feet.

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

Harry moves to the back of the poodle van. He has to LIFT ONE OF THE CAR'S REAR LEGS

to unscrew the gas cap. Then he sticks the nozzle in and starts to fill her up.

EXT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT

Lloyd comes around the corner, dragging a BATHROOM KEY ATTACHED BY A CHAIN TO

A CAR ENGINE toward the Men's Room. When he gets it to the door, he struggles to lift the

engine on it's side, finally managing to slip the key into the lock.

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

Harry is yawning as he pumps the gas. Suddenly a Jeep Cherokee pulls up and a long-legged,

tanned, ATHLETIC BEAUTY climbs out. This seems to wake Harry up.

The Athletic Beauty smiles at Harry as she grabs a pump and starts to fill her jeep. Harry makes a

feeble attempt to brush his hair into place, then CLEARS HIS THROAT and nods to the skis on

her roof-rack.

HARRY:

Skis, huh?

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

That's right.

HARRY:

Great.

She continues to pump gas.

HARRY (CONT.)

They yours?

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Uh-huh..

HARRY:

Both of 'em?

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Um, yeah.

HARRY:

(impressed)

Cool.

The gas from Harry's nozzle starts to OVERFLOW, but he doesn't notice. From her POV it looks

like a BIG DOG IS PISSING ON HIS LEG.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Excuse me, you're spraying

everywhere.

Harry turns to see the gas GUSHING ALL OVER HIS SHOES. He immediately removes the

nozzle and replaces it on the pump as she smiles to herself.

INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM

Lloyd is standing in a stall urinating. He starts to read the graffiti scrawled on the wall. Finally, he

comes to one that says: FOR A GOOD TIME, MEET ME HERE NOVEMBER 8, 1993, 2:15

A.M. SHARP.

He frowns at this, then looks nervously at his watch.

CLOSE UP OF DIAL - the date reads NOVEMBER 8.

ZOOM IN on the minute hand as it CLICKS TO EXACTLY 2:15.

Just as a concerned look crosses Lloyd's face, we hear the BATHROOM DOOR SQUEAK OPEN

AND SLAM SHUT! Terrified, Lloyd quickly locks the stall door, then crouches on the toilet bowl

so his feet aren't visible. The sound of HEAVY FOOTSTEPS approaches the stall and then stops.

Lloyd looks down to see a pair of SIZE 16 WORKBOOTS beneath the door. We can barely hear

a LOW GROWL.

Then the stall handle JIGGLES. Lloyd holds his breath. The ominous boots MOVE AWAY and

Lloyd lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF.

All of a sudden the DOOR IS KICKED IN, AND A TOWERING FIGURE STEPS INTO

FRAME. Lloyd looks up and GASPS.

HIS POV - it's the Redneck trucker, Sea Bass.

SEA BASS:

Well, well, well, if it ain't my old

friend.

(checks watch)

And right on time�

As Sea Bass STEPS INTO THE STALL, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

The Athletic Beauty is back in her Jeep now and Harry has sidled up to the driver's side. He leans

against her side-view mirror.

HARRY:

(re:
suitcases in back seat)

That's a lot of luggage for a little

vacation.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Actually, I'm moving to Aspen. I've

got to get away from my boyfriend.

He's such a klutz. My astrologer

told me I should avoid accident-prone

guys.

Just then, the side-view mirror Harry has been leaning on SNAPS OFF THE CAR. HE CRACKS

HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD, FALLS TO THE GROUND, THEN QUICKLY

LEAPS TO HIS FEET AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.

HARRY:

(holding out mirror)

Here, this is a little loose.

She throws the mirror into the back seat and takes out a cigarette.

HARRY (CONT.)

Allow me�

He pulls out a match and lights it with a debonair flourish. The Athletic Beauty nods her thanks.

Harry tosses the match to the ground, and we hear an O.S. WHOOSH! Wisps of smokes rise

around him and we hear the LOW CRACKLE OF SOMETHING BURNING. (Neither of them

notice this.)

HARRY (CONT.)

Look, um, maybe when I get to Aspen

we can meet up� you know, for hot

chocolate or something.

She looks him over and smiles.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Why not? You seem pretty harmless.

I'll give you my number. Just let me

find a pen.

As she starts to rummage through her purse, Harry SMELLS THE SMOKE. He looks down and

sees that his RIGHT SHOE IS ABLAZE! He shakes it, then tries to put it out with the other shoe,

but to no avail. Meanwhile, the Athletic Beauty is still searching for a pen.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT.)

I know I have one here somewhere�

Harry starts doing a soft-shoe dance to extinguish the flames. This only helps to fan them.

HARRY:

(urgently)

Look, why don't you just tell it to

me, I've got a good memory.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Are you sure you won't forget?

HARRY:

(desperate)

Positive � please hurry.

He begins hopping around violently.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Is something wrong?

Harry shakes his head no as he bites his lip to keep from screaming.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT.)

Okay, my number is 652-2553.

(beat)

Oh, wait a second, that's my old

number. It's so funny how your

mind �

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