Dumb and Dumber Page #10

HARRY:

--For god sakes, give me the damn

number!

She's taken aback by this outburst.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Look, man, if you're gonna get pushy

you can just forget it!

She throws the car into drive and PEELS AWAY.

INT. GAS STATION MEN'S ROOM

Sea Bass has his meaty paw wrapped around Lloyd's neck as he slides him up the wall of the toilet

stall.

SEA BASS:

First I'm gonna rape you, then I'm

gonna kill you. Any last request?

LLOYD:

Um, yeah � could you do it the other

way around?

Sea Bass pushes Lloyd to his knees. Then the trucker steps back and UNDOES HIS FLY. The

sound of the zipper brings a green color to Lloyd's face.

ON THE MEN'S ROOM DOOR - it bursts open and a FLAME-FOOTED Harry rushes into the

bathroom, panic-stricken. In his desperation he PLOWS THROUGH THE STALL DOOR �

KNOCKING SEA BASS ON THE HEAD � and thrusts his flaming foot into the toilet,

EXTINGUISHING THE FIRE.

Harry breathes a DEEP SIGH of relief. Only then does he notice LLOYD ON HIS KNEES AND

SEA BASS UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS PANTS UNDONE.

Harry has to do a DOUBLE-TAKE for this to sink in. Then he lets out an admonishing

WHISTLE.

HARRY:

You've got some serious explaining to

do, young man.

CUT TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

CLOSE UP - of Harry's BURNT SHOE � with the toes sticking out � on the accelerator.

LLOYD:

Look, Harry, I told you what

happened, now drop it.

HARRY:

Sure thing, Lloyd. I promise not to

mention another word about you being

in a bathroom stall with a six-foot,

five-inch trucker with his pants

down.

LLOYD:

That's a low blow, man.

HARRY:

Not at that height it's not.

LLOYD:

Listen, bud, if you're trying to

imply that I'm �

HARRY:

--Hold that thought � look, we're

almost in Colorado.

Lloyd squints through the windshield. A sign up ahead says: LAST EXIT IN NEBRASKA -

COLORADO STATE LINE - 3 MILES.

HARRY (CONT.)

I think it's about time we pull over

and change seats. I've been driving

for nine straight hours � I don't have

the energy to start a new state.

Lloyd nods, and as he pulls off the exit, we

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON A SIGN - it reads WELCOME TO COLORADO, HOME OF THE ROCKY

MOUNTAINS. PAN DOWN to reveal a number of POLICEMEN stopping and checking cars as

they cross the border.

A HELICOPTER lands on the side of the road and Detective Dale hops out. He hurries to the

COP in charge.

DT. DALE

Any sign of them yet?

COP:

No, but we're expecting them shortly.

A motorist said he spotted a pooch

about thirty miles back headed this

way.

Detective Dale nods, satisfied.

CUT TO:

EXT. MINI MART - NIGHT

ESTABLISHING SHOT of a mini mart.

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

The door opens and Lloyd gets in carrying a bag of Doritos and a soda. He settles into the driver's

seat and pulls a Beef Jerky out of his back pocket.

LLOYD:

Hey, I picked you up a Beef Jerky�

When he gets no response, he notices that Harry is already fast asleep in the passenger seat. Lloyd

shakes his head.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Boy, some guys just weren't cut out

for life on the road.

EXT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - NIGHT

Lloyd starts the engine and pulls out of the parking lot to the nearby freeway entrance.

As he enters the on-ramp, we ZOOM IN on a sign that says: ROUTE 80 - EAST. He's unwittingly

headed BACK IN THE DIRECTION THEY JUST CAME FROM!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MUTT CUTTS VAN - SUNNY MORNING

It's bright daylight now. Harry is sleeping peacefully in the passenger seat while Lloyd sips a

coffee. The van hits a bump which causes Harry's eyes to flutter open.

LLOYD:

Hey, Mr. Sleepy Head, welcome back.

HARRY:

(groggy)

How long have I been out?

LLOYD:

I'd say a good five hours, anyway.

Harry yawns and stretches.

HARRY:

Great. We must be getting real

close, huh?

LLOYD:

Should be. I've been averaging about

ninety miles an hour all night.

HARRY:

Good man.

LLOYD:

Boy, I'll tell you, this is one

dangerous highway. You wouldn't

believe all the road pizza � two dead

dogs, a couple of rabbits, a snake and

some big thing I couldn't even

recognize.

HARRY:

That's awful. Did you see them get

hit or were they already lying there?

LLOYD:

I hit 'em.

Harry rubs his eyes and looks at the passing FLATLANDS.

HARRY:

Funny. I expected the Rocky

Mountains to be a little rockier than

this.

LLOYD:

I was thinking the same thing. That

John Denver's some full of sh*t, huh?

They both stare out the window.

LLOYD (CONT.)

I must say, Des Moines sure is a

pretty little town.

HARRY:

Yeah, it really is.

(beat)

Wait a minute � when did you visit Des

Moines?

LLOYD:

Last night. We drove through

it.

HARRY:

What are you talking about? You were

snoring like a baby when we went

through Des Moines.

Lloyd shakes his head in amusement, then SNAPS HIS FINGERS in Harry's face.

LLOYD:

(sing-song)

Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rise

and shine.

(LAUGHS)

You were the one who was asleep,

numbskull. Here, take a sip of

coffee. You're delirious.

A confused Harry sips the coffee and checks out the passing terrain. Then something starts to

dawn on him. Slowly.

HARRY:

Uh, Lloyd, refresh my memory: Doesn't

the sun rise in the east and set in

the west?

LLOYD:

In our country it does, yes.

HARRY:

Then perchance you can explain to me

why the sun is in our face at 7:30 in

the morning when we're heading west.

Lloyd thinks about this and then looks SICKENED.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRUCKSTOP - MORNING

The Mutt Cutts van is parked next to a couple rigs and Harry is sitting beside it on the pavement, a

BROKEN man.

LLOYD:

I'm only human, Harry. Anybody can

make a mistake.

But Harry just sits there, practically catatonic.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Come on, man, pull yourself together.

HARRY:

You know, I got half a mind to just

jump on the bus to Europe and say

goodbye to your ugly mug forever.

LLOYD:

(rolls his eyes)

You can't take a bus to Europe, dodo.

HARRY:

Oh yeah? Why not?

LLOYD:

You don't have a passport.

Harry lets out a defeated SIGH.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Come on, stop being a baby about

this. Okay, so we back-tracked a

tad.

HARRY:

A tad? Lloyd, you drove almost a

sixth of the way across the country

in the wrong direction. Now we don't

have enough money to get to Aspen, we

don't have enough money to get home,

we don't have enough to eat, we don't

have enough to sleep!

LLOYD:

Well it doesn't do any good having

you sitting there on your butt whining

about it. If we're gonna get out of

this hole, we're gonna have to dig

ourselves out.

Harry thinks about this.

HARRY:

You know, you're absolutely right,

Lloyd.

He stands up, brushes off his pants, and starts to walk toward the highway.

LLOYD:

Where you going?

HARRY:

Home. I'm walking home.

LLOYD:

You can't be serious.

HARRY:

(sarcastic)

Why not? We're probably only five

miles away.

Harry starts resolutely toward the road while Lloyd watches.

LLOYD:

(CALLING OUT)

Thanks a lot, Mr. Perfect. Like you

never screwed up.

Harry suddenly STOPS IN HIS TRACKS and turns back to his friend. He seems completely

drained.

HARRY:

Look, man� I'm sorry.

(beat)

I never should have let you talk me

into this in the first place. You've

got a good reason to goo � a beautiful

girl's waiting for you. But let's

face it, Lloyd, there's nothing

waiting for me in Aspen.

(beat)

There's nothing waiting for me

anywhere.

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