Dumb and Dumber Page #11

Lloyd just stands there, SPEECHLESS, as Harry turns and walks away. Out of frustration, he

BANGS the snout of the car, causing it to BARK.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Harry is walking down the highway, his thumb stuck out unenthusiastically. A few cars WHIZ by,

the cold wind whipping at his clothes.

A station wagon blows by and throws a BAG OF GARBAGE out the window. It lands at Harry's

feet.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HARRY'S FACE - a TEAR slowly rolls down his cheek (like the

Indian in the commercial). PAN DOWN to the bag of garbage. We see it's a BAG OF ONIONS

that's ripped open.

Suddenly a HEARSE pulls up and stops. It's an ominous-looking vehicle and Harry hesitates.

Then the passenger window rolls down, revealing a contrite Lloyd at the wheel.

LLOYD:

Got room for one more, if you still

want to go to Aspen.

Harry looks the hearse over.

HARRY:

Where'd you find this baby?

LLOYD:

Used car dealer. I traded the van

for it. Plus I got the guy to throw

in fifty bucks for gas money.

(beat)

Come on, man, what do you say? We

still partners?

Harry smiles and we

CUT TO:

EXT. COLORADO STATE LINE - DAY

An impatient Detective Dale is still staked-out at the Colorado border with several other officers.

DT. DALE

It doesn't make sense. They

should've been here hours ago.

COP:

Maybe they're smarter than we

thought.

DT. DALE

How smart can they be? They're

driving a goddamn dog!

Another COP rushes over holding his walkie-talkie.

COP #2

We just got a report that they were

spotted about two hours ago heading

east near Des Moines on I-80.

DT. DALE

(incredulous)

Des Moines?! Why that's five hundred

miles from here!

COP #1

Guess they got wind of our welcoming

party.

DT. DALE

We're wasting time. Let's mobilize.

Dt. Dale heads for his cruiser while the other Cops follow. As the officers climb into their cars, we

CUT TO:

INT. HEARSE - DAY

Lloyd is driving and Harry has his feet out the window.

LLOYD:

Tell me something, Harry. Would you

really have kept going home if I

hadn't come back to get you?

HARRY:

Well let me put it this way, Lloyd:

Do you remember when we were Cub

Scouts and we got lost in the woods

during that blizzard? We huddled

together all night, and we made an

oath that if we ever got out of there

alive we'd never ever leave each

other's side again. Do you remember

that?

Lloyd thinks hard about this.

LLOYD:

We were never Cub Scouts.

HARRY:

Exactly.

Just then several COP CARS whiz by them in the opposite direction with SIRENS BLARING and

LIGHTS FLASHING. When Harry glances back at the cop cars, he notices that there's a COFFIN

in the rear of the vehicle.

HARRY (CONT.)

What the hell is this? There's a

coffin in the back!

LLOYD:

Relax, it's empty.

HARRY:

I don't give a sh*t. I'm not driving

anywhere with a casket. You know I'm

superstitious �

LLOYD:

--Okay, calm down. We'll dump it off

first chance we get.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Harry and Lloyd are swerving through traffic in the hearse. Ahead of them is a REAL FUNERAL

PROCESSION. The lead car is a CADILLAC.

INT. CADILLAC (LEAD CAR) - DAY

(This is the car right behind the funeral hearse.) A MAN and a WOMAN are arguing.

WOMAN:

I married a cheapskate.

MAN:

Shut your trap, Gerdie.

WOMAN:

I'm so embarrassed. I'll never be

able to show my face again.

MAN:

I knew something good would come out

of this.

WOMAN:

We could have given him a more

dignified burial.

MAN:

Your uncle was a cheap man. Remember

what he got us for our twenty-fifth?

A friggin' fern. There's no way I'm

gonna spend a load to get him

planted.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

While the couple ARGUES ON, Harry and Lloyd cut in front of them. The Man and the Woman

don't notice this an soon the ENTIRE FUNERAL PROCESSION IS UNWITTINGLY

FOLLOWING THE WRONG HEARSE.

CUT TO:

EXT. PIGGLY WIGGLY SUPERMARKET - DAY

Harry and Lloyd pull up to a large green dumpster behind the market. The procession comes to a

halt behind them. The guys get out of the hearse and remove the coffin from the back. Then they

unceremoniously HEAVE THE COFFIN INTO THE DUMPSTER AND WIPE THEIR HANDS

OFF.

ON THE LEAD CAR OF THE PROCESSION - The Woman's jaw is practically on the floor.

WOMAN:

You son-of-a-b*tch! I want a

divorce!

CUT TO:

QUICK MONTAGE OF THE HEARSE WEAVING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE SCENIC

ROCKIES AS WE REPRISE 'MARY'S PRAYER' BY DANNY WILSON.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

The hearse drives past a sign that says ENTERING ASPEN, COLORADO.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - DAY

The boys stroll down the sidewalk, looking in the windows, studying the passersby, taking in the

sights and sounds of the ski town.

LLOYD:

Isn't this wonderful? What more

could a couple of single guys like us

ask for?

HARRY:

How about food and shelter?

LLOYD:

You're so materialistic.

(beat)

Why don't we get down to business and

deliver the briefcase to Mary. Who

knows, maybe she'll invite us in for

tea and a strumpet or two?

HARRY:

Jolly good idea, chap. And where

does the lovely young lady reside?

LLOYD:

Um� good question.

Harry throws Lloyd a concerned look, but then notices a phone booth next to them.

HARRY:

Well what's her last name? We'll

look it up in the phone book.

LLOYD:

Hmmmm� You know, I don't believe I

caught that either.

Harry's concern grows.

HARRY:

What about the briefcase, Lloyd?

There must've been a name on it,

right?

LLOYD:

(brightening)

Come to think of it, there is. It's

engraved right into the leather.

HARRY:

What is it?

LLOYD:

Samsonite � spelled just like it

sounds.

Harry starts flipping through the phone book. Then abruptly HE STOPS and puts the book down,

a DEFEATED look on his face.

CUT TO:

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

The car is parked in a parking lot across the street from a picturesque bridge. Harry and Lloyd are

shivering in the front seat as a LOUD, ICY WIND WHIPS though the hearse. They're each

spooning something out of a coffee cup and sipping it.

HARRY:

Any soup left?

LLOYD:

A little. Shall we share it?

HARRY:

Please.

Lloyd opens a TINY KETCHUP PACKET and squirts half of it into Harry's cup and the other

half into his. They pour a few drops of water in and mix it with their spoons.

LLOYD:

Mmmm mmmm good�

Lloyd smiles bravely at Harry. Harry notices something and leans toward him.

HARRY:

Hey, you got something stuck in your

front teeth.

Lloyd picks a small speck out of his mouth and studies it.

LLOYD:

Hmmm� looks like an old piece of

Beef Jerky.

Harry stares at it. Then:

HARRY:

Wanna split it?

LLOYD:

You're pathetic. Get your own.

Loyd puts the floss-meat back in his mouth and chews it. Another gust of wind swirls around

them.

HARRY:

I'm freezing my ass off, Lloyd.

LLOYD:

Roll up your window.

HARRY:

It is rolled up.

LLOYD:

Then I guess the damn anti-cold

system isn't working. You really

should get it fixed if we're gonna

live here all winter.

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