Dumb and Dumber Page #12

HARRY:

What anti-cold system?

Lloyd points to the dash.

LLOYD:

Right here � the A/C button. I put it

on full blast about an hour ago and,

if anything, the car's getting

colder.

Harry stares at Lloyd and then throws down his cup, disgusted. He opens the car door and starts

to climb out.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What are you going out there for?

HARRY:

To warm up.

EXT. HEARSE - NIGHT

Harry gets out and leans against the car with his arms crossed. Lloyd comes from around the other

side.

LLOYD:

What are you worrying about now?

HARRY:

I'm worried about how you're gonna

survive the pummeling I'm about to

give you.

LLOYD:

Huh?

Suddenly Harry LUNGES at Lloyd, who takes off around the other side of the car. Harry leaps

across the hood, but Lloyd manages to evade his grasp.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Harry, calm down! You're acting like

a wild animal!

HARRY:

Get over here and take your medicine,

Lloyd!

LLOYD:

Sorry, doc, I can't take medicine.

I'm a Christian Scientist!

Lloyd continues to outrun him around the car. Frustrated, Harry opens the car and PULLS THE

BRIEFCASE OUT.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What are you doing?

HARRY:

Something I should've done a long

time ago. This stupid thing has been

the root of our problems all along.

Harry starts walking toward the bridge spanning a river.

LLOYD:

Don't do anything foolish, Harry.

HARRY:

Foolish? This is the most sensible

thing I've done in years. I'm gonna

toss this goddamn curse right into

that river.

Lloyd starts to follow after Harry.

LLOYD:

You're making a big mistake, Harry!

I'll never forgive you for this!

Harry keeps marching toward the bridge, determined to dispose of the briefcase.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Harry, hold up! Things are gonna get

better, I promise! In fact, I think

I feel another piece of Beef Jerky in

my left molar! It's yours, Harry,

all yours!

Harry stops in his tracks, intrigued.

HARRY:

You're bluffing.

LLOYD:

No I'm not, man � look.

Lloyd pulls his cheek back, revealing a molar. Harry squints at it.

HARRY:

That's a filling, you liar!

Just then, Lloyd makes a dash at Harry. Harry turns and runs, but Lloyd TACKLES HIM as they

reach the bridge. The briefcase GOES FLYING, and the guys wrestle pitifully with one another in

the snow, rolling over and over.

Finally, Harry manages to get the upper hand. He climbs on top and CLASPS HIS HANDS

AROUND LLOYD'S THROAT.

HARRY (CONT.)

I used to have a life! A miserable

one, but a life, nonetheless!

Suddenly Lloyd's EYES LIGHT UP as he sees something O.S. behind his friend.

LLOYD:

(CHOKED VOICE)

Harry, look!

Harry turns and HIS EYES LIGHT UP, TOO. He lets go of Lloyd as we see

THEIR POV - the briefcase is lying BUSTED OPEN on the ground, revealing STACKS AND

STACKS OF BIG, BEAUTIFUL HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS!

CUT TO:

EXT. DOWNTOWN ASPEN - NIGHT

Harry and Lloyd are hurrying down the sidewalk, clutching the briefcase. The city is lit up with

millions of tiny lights, like a fantasy winter wonderland.

LLOYD:

Okay, here's the plan: We borrow a

few bucks � just a small loan � from

the briefcase, and we check into a

cheap motel.

HARRY:

Sounds good.

LLOYD:

And we'll keep track of the money we

spend with IOUs.

HARRY:

We'll be meticulous � right down to

the last penny.

LLOYD:

That way, whatever we borrow we can

pay back.

HARRY:

Absolutely. We're good for it.

LLOYD:

You know, as soon as we get jobs.

HARRY:

It'll come right out of our first

paycheck.

CUT TO:

INT. ELEGANT HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

A tuxedoed Bell Captain, BARNARD, is showing the guys around an ENORMOUS AND

LUXURIOUS SUITE. The place is big enough to throw a touchdown bomb in.

BARNARD:

�This is the Hotel Danbury's

Presidential Suite, gentlemen. It's

normally reserved for royalty,

visiting dignitaries, and illustrious

stars of stage and �

LLOYD:

--We'll take it.

The Bell Captain is a bit taken aback, but pleased.

BARNARD:

Very good, sir. Are there any bags

you'd like sent up?

LLOYD:

Thanks, Barnard, but we'll find our

own chicks.

BARNARD:

(peevish)

I wasn't talking about ladies.

HARRY:

Oh. Then go ahead and send thim up.

What are their names?

Barnard SIGHS.

BARNARD:

Sir, I meant your luggage.

Harry forces a. embarrassed half-smile.

LLOYD:

Tell you what you can send up, my

friend � how about some chow?

The Bell Captain nods.

BARNARD:

I'll bring you a menu.

LLOYD:

Don't bother. Just order us one of

everything.

At this, Harry serves Lloyd a reproachful look.

HARRY:

One of everything? Lloyd�

Lloyd looks guilty.

LLOYD:

Oh, sorry.

(beat)

Make that two of everything.

Harry smiles at this as Lloyd pulls a wad of HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS out of his pocket. He

rips one off and tucks it in Barnard's top pocket.

LLOYD (CONT.)

And here you go, Barney. You keep us

happy, we'll keep you happy.

The Bell Captain, Barnard, is energized by this tip.

BARNARD:

Yes, sir!

He bows and leaves the room. Then Lloyd cracks open the briefcase and inserts a SMALL PIECE

OF PAPER.

LLOYD:

(proudly)

Our first IOU. Signed and dated.

CUT TO:

EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT

Helen Swanson is KNOCKING on her step-daughter's bedroom door. She's holding a tray with a

couple of mugs on it.

HELEN:

Mary? You awake?

MARY:

(o.s.)

Come in�

INT. MARY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Mary is sitting in a chair looking sadly out the French windows when Helen ENTERS.

HELEN:

I brought you some tea. I thought it

might help you relax.

Mary smiles.

MARY:

Thank you.

She takes a mug, sips, and pulls back.

MARY (CONT.)

Yech! What's in this, whiskey?

HELEN:

Uh, sorry� that one's mine.

Helen grabs the mug from Mary and hands her the other one.

HELEN (CONT.)

Feeling any better, honey?

Mary can't take her eyes from the window.

MARY:

Just knowing that Melvin's out there,

being held by God knows who�

(fighting back tears)

It's all my fault. I should've been

there.

HELEN:

Bullshit. You can't blame yourself

for this. If you'd been there they

would've taken you, too.

Helen pulls out a joint and torches it up. She takes a hit.

MARY:

Maybe we should just pay them the

money again and get this thing over

with.

HELEN:

Now Mary, everything that can be done

is being done. You've got to stop

torturing yourself.

MARY:

What am I supposed to do? Go about

my life as if everything were fine?

HELEN:

That's exactly what you should do.

Get the hell out more, go skiing,

socialize. Don't you see, honey? We

can't let on that anything is wrong.

If the press or authorities get wind

of this, the kidnappers might panic.

(beat)

Who knows what they'd do to poor

Melvin then?

As Mary thinks about this, we

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL DANBURY - DAY

The Guys pull up to the front of the hotel in the hearse. Several HOTEL EMPLOYEES rush to

help them. Harry and Lloyd get out wearing OVERLY TRENDY SKI GARB, complete with fur

boots, NASA designed goggles, and splashy fluorescent colors everywhere. The Employees all

grab the shopping bags and then line up as Lloyd TIPS THEM ALL handsomely.

INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT

The huge beds are covered in boxes and bags of new goodies. Lloyd is going through it all. Harry

is sitting out on the balcony with his feet up on the railing, checking out the mountain view.

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