Dumb and Dumber Page #13

HARRY:

Oh god, it's really true. Last night

I thought I might've been dreaming.

LLOYD:

It's no dream, Har. We finally

cracked the big time.

HARRY:

And it was so simple. All it took

was somebody else's money.

Harry LIGHTS A CIGAR WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL, takes a hearty puff, and

EXHALES.

HARRY (CONT.)

You know, Lloyd, I think you might've

gone a little overboard with the

spending today.

He blows out the twenty and tosses it off the balcony.

LLOYD:

What's the big deal? We're gonna pay

it all back anyway, right?

HARRY:

Sure, but do you really think you

needed to buy those two surfboards?

LLOYD:

Surfboards? I thought those were

beginner's skis.

This suddenly makes sense to Harry.

HARRY:

Ahhh. I was wondering why you had

those bindings put on them.

Lloyd opens a box and holds up a SCANTY NEGLIGEE.

LLOYD:

Where'd this come from?

HARRY:

(sheepishly)

I bought it.

LLOYD:

What for?

HARRY:

I like the feel of it against my

skin�

(defensive)

�I mean, you know, when a woman's

wearing it.

Lloyd inspects it more closely.

LLOYD:

Harry, how many women do you know who

wear a size XXL?

HARRY:

Look, leave me alone. I'm rich now.

I'm supposed to have a few

eccentricities.

There's a KNOCK on the door.

LLOYD:

Enter, parlez vous!

The Bell Captain, Barnard, ENTERS with a champagne bucket and a newspaper under his arm.

BARNARD:

I brought you your newspaper and some

champagne, gentlemen. Unfortunately,

we didn't seem to have the, um, label

you requested.

Lloyd examines the champagne's label and frowns.

LLOYD:

All out of Boone's Farm, huh?

BARNARD:

You have a rapier wit, sir. I took

the liberty of bringing a comparable

substitute:
Dom Perignon.

LLOYD:

Guess it'll have to do, slugger, eh?

Lloyd smiles and over tips him.

BARNARD:

Thank you so much, sir.

He puts the tray down, hands Lloyd the newspaper, and heads for the door.

LLOYD:

Oh, one more thing: You can dispense

with the 'sir' crap. Let's face it,

Barney, we're all from the same mold.

(winks)

We just have a little more dough than

you right now.

Barnard smiles and EXITS. Harry comes back in the room. He picks up a champagne glass and

flicks it with his finger, sending out a resonant RING.

HARRY:

Cocktail hour has commenced!

He starts to open the champagne bottle as Lloyd begins thumbing through the newspaper.

HARRY (CONT.)

Hey, later on what do you say we�?

He notices that Lloyd's mouth has dropped open at something he's found in the paper.

HARRY (CONT.)

Lloyd� you okay?

LLOYD:

(dumbstruck)

Harry, it's her.

HARRY:

Who?

LLOYD:

Mary with the briefcase. This is

her�

He shoves the newspaper at Harry.

CLOSE ON THE HEADLINE - it reads: SWANSONS TO HOST PRESERVATION GALA

TONIGHT; CITY'S ELITE EXPECTED. Underneath this is a photograph of Mary with her

parents.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Mary Swanson�

HARRY:

Come on, Cinderella, it's time to get

you ready for the ball�

Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" plays over a�

MONTAGE OF HARRY AND LLOYD'S GLAMOUR MAKE-OVER:

-The boys are in a beauty parlor getting their hair shampooed.

-Harry and Lloyd sit beneath old-fashioned hair dryers. The ATTENDANTS lift the dryers from

their heads, revealing both guys' hair in curlers.

-Lloyd's getting shaved by an ATTENDANT with a straight-razor. Suddenly Lloyd grabs his neck

as if he's been nicked. BLOOD SQUIRTS OUT from between his fingers. The other

CUSTOMERS stare in horror at this. Lloyd LAUGHS and shows everyone a SQUEEZE

KETCHUP BOTTLE hidden in his hand. Only Harry and Lloyd seem to find this joke amusing.

-We see them getting their nose hairs clipped. PAN DOWN to the floor to reveal a PILE OF

NOSE HAIR CLIPPINGS.

-Then a shot of a MAN next to them getting a pedicure. PAN OVER to Lloyd's bare feet � he has

toe nails like Howard Hughes. Sparks are flying as an ATTENDANT wearing safety goggles tries

to sand down Lloyd's toenails with an electric sander.

-Harry is lying on his stomach with his shirt off, getting a massage from a beautiful ORIENTAL

MASSEUSE. He pulls a hundred dollar bill from under his towel, hands it to her, and WHISPERS

in her ear. She smiles.

-Next we see the Oriental Masseuse lying on her stomach with her shirt off, while Harry happily

massages her back.

-The guys are in an expensive haberdashery. Harry comes out of the dressing room in a very

elegant BLACK TUXEDO. He couldn't look any more suave. The SALEMAN nods, impressed,

but Lloyd shakes his head no and Harry goes back in.

-Harry reappears in another stylish WHITE TUXEDO. The Salesman looks on hopefully, but

Lloyd again disapproves.

-This time Harry comes out in a JUNIOR-PROM-LIKE SKY-BLUE TUXEDO, complete with

TACKY FRILLS. The Salesman looks sickened as Lloyd give Harry the thumbs up.

PAN ACROSS THE STREET from the haberdashery - an apprehensive J.P. Shay is sitting in a

parked car, WATCHING HARRY AND LLOYD.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY - NIGHT

Throngs of GUESTS in black-tie and elegant gowns are entering the building. Suddenly the hearse

pulls up � with Harry and Lloyd BUMPER SURFING BEHIND IT. Harry's wearing his blue

tuxedo. Lloyd's tux isn't any better � it's pumpkin orange. (THEY'VE GOT MATCHING TOP

HATS AND CANES.) When the hearse stops, the boys hand the driver � Barnard � a couple

hundred dollars.

LLOYD:

Thanks for the lift, Barney.

INT. ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY

Nicholas Andre is greeting people at the door. However, when Harry and Lloyd try to enter, he

stops them and gives them the once over.

ANDRE:

Excuse me, gentlemen, but this is a

five-hundred-dollar-a-plate dinner.

Harry and Lloyd look at each other and shrug. Then Lloyd takes out a WAD OF BILLS and peels

off TEN HUNDREDS, much to the amazement of Andre.

LLOYD:

This should cover a couple plates.

HARRY:

I'm kind of hungry, Lloyd. What if

we want seconds?

Lloyd thinks about this. Then he peels off another thou.

LLOYD:

Put us down for four plates, my good

man.

They ENTER the party. As Andre watches them go, his associate � J.P. Shay � comes up beside

him, an alarmed look on his face.

J.P. SHAY

(WHISPERING)

Jesus Christ, boss� it's them.

BACK ON HARRY AND LLOYD - the guys make their way through the affluent crowd.

LLOYD:

I'm getting nervous, Harry.

HARRY:

relax, Lloyd. These people are just

like you and me.

LLOYD:

What are you talking about? They're

educated, well-bred, charming, and

sophisticated.

HARRY:

So what? We can be sophistica � holy

sh*t, would you look at the fun bags

on that hose hound.

He points out a busty BLONDE BOMBSHELL entering the party. Lloyd rolls his eyes.

LLOYD:

Don't do this to me, Harry. I'm

already a wreck. What if Mary

doesn't like me?

HARRY:

Look, let's just go saddle up to the

bar and down a couple bowls of

loudmouth soup. A little booze'll

bring back that old Lloyd Christmas

over-confidence.

The guys stand out at the glittering social scene as they make their way to the bar.

LLOYD:

(to BARTENDER)

Two martinis, straight up.

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