Dumb and Dumber Page #14

As Harry and Lloyd silently take in the party, a BEAUTIFUL RED HEAD reaches between them

for a cocktail napkin, then walks away.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Shut up, Harry.

HARRY:

I didn't say anything.

LLOYD:

Yeah, well I know what you were gonna

say and I'm telling you to shut up in

advance.

HARRY:

How do you know what I was gonna say?

LLOYD:

I read you like a book.

HARRY:

Okay, if you read me like a book then

what was I gonna say?

LLOYD:

You were gonna say:

(in Harry's looped VOICE)

'That's one fiery bush I wouldn't

mind roasting my weenie in.'

Harry raises his eyebrows, IMPRESSED.

LLOYD (CONT.)

And I would say 'shut up', because

this is our chance to get in with the

rich and powerful and you don't

ingratiate yourself to the kind of

people by acting like Ron Jeremy on

Spanish Fly.

The Bartender delivers their martinis as we hear the o.s. CLINKING of a glass. The guys turns to

see Nicholas Andre standing at a podium. Next to him is a LARGE, COVERED DISPLAY. On

his other side are Karl and Elizabeth Swanson.

ANDRE:

If I could have your attention,

please�

The crowd QUIETS.

ANDRE (CONT.)

I'd like to thank you all for coming

to this very special event. As you

know, the Aspen Preservation Society -

founded and chiefly funded by our

great benefactors, Karl and Helen

Swanson - is the world's foremost

defender of endangered species. Our

sprawling grounds are home to twenty-

three separate varieties of animals

that are currently listed on the

United Nation's charter of protected

species. Tonight, we are deeply

honored to have Mr. Karl Swanson

welcome our twenty-fourth.

The crowd CLAPS as Mr. Swanson takes Andre's place at the podium.

MR. SWANSON

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the

Icelandic Snow Owl.

He pulls the cover off, revealing TWO MAJESTIC, FLUFFY WHITE OWLS IN A CAGE.

Everyone OOHS and AHHS.

MR. SWANSON (CONT.)

These magnificent specimens were

rescued recently, culminating a five-

year, two-million-dollar effort on

our part. Together, they constitute

one-seventh of the snow owl

population left on the planet.

ON ANDRE - he's nervously eyeing Harry and Lloyd. He looks pale.

MR. SWANSON (CONT.)

Here these lovely birds will be

allowed to breed in a natural but

protected habitat. And, God willing,

with your help and that of the

Society's, we will see these

wonderful creatures flourish once

more.

More APPLAUSE.

MR. SWANSON (CONT.)

Again, thank you, and enjoy your

evening. Oh, and feel free to take a

closer look at our new friends here.

Enjoy.

The crowd APPLAUDS and begins to mingle again. Lloyd turns back to the Bartender and holds

up his empty glass.

LLOYD:

Two more, please.

Harry stares at Lloyd with concern.

HARRY:

Lloyd, I've never seen you this

uptight. You've gotta chill out.

LLOYD:

I can't help it. This is a very

important night for me.

(beat)

Harry, have you ever wondered why you

and I never have long-term

girlfriends?

HARRY:

What are you talking about? I went

out with Fraida Felcher for two and a

half weeks.

LLOYD:

That was a fluke.

(beat)

The reason we never have long-term

girlfriends is because of one thing:

We're afraid of the C word.

HARRY:

That's crazy. We live for the C

word.

LLOYD:

I'm talking bout commitment.

HARRY:

(beat)

Oh.

LLOYD:

Well I'm ready for commitment, Harry.

The first time I laid eyes on Mary

Swanson, I knew she was the one.

(beat)

Some things you feel in your heart,

other things you feel in your groin.

This girl makes me feel it all in the

heart.

Suddenly Lloyd notices something across the room.

HIS POV - a beguiling Mary Swanson is talking with a couple of guests. She's wearing a

spectacular black cocktail dress.

Lloyd quickly turns toward the bar.

LLOYD:

Oh sh*t, there she is.

HARRY:

(checking her out)

Wow. You weren't kidding, Lloyd.

She's an angel.

(beat)

Well, what are you waiting for? Get

over there and talk to her.

LLOYD:

She's gonna think I'm some kind of

psycho when she realizes how far I

came just to see her.

HARRY:

You have her briefcase � she's gonna

be thrilled to see you.

LLOYD:

And then what? She'll take it back

and that'll be it. I'm a nobody.

Harry thinks about this a moment.

HARRY:

Look, man, you just drove two

thousand miles to see this girl.

Don't quit on the last fifty feet.

LLOYD:

(brightening)

Wait a second, I have an idea. You

go over and introduce yourself. That

way you can build me up so when I

come along I won't have to brag about

myself. Tell her I'm good-looking

and I'm rich and I have a rapist's

wit.

HARRY:

I can't tell her you're good looking,

Lloyd � she's got eyes.

Lloyd takes a big gulp of his new martini.

LLOYD:

Please Harry, I'm appealing to you as

one loser to another. Just build me

up and then give me a signal to come

over. Please.

Harry SIGHS.

HARRY:

All right. But you're gonna owe me a

big one for this.

Harry straightens his polka-dot bow-tie, then APPROACHES Mary, who is now standing alone,

admiring the owls.

HARRY (CONT.)

Nice set of hooters you got there.

Mary turns to Harry, stunned.

MARY:

I beg your pardon?

HARRY:

The owls. They're beautiful.

MARY:

Oh. Yeah.

(beat)

Are you a bird lover?

HARRY:

Well, I used to have a parakeet, but

my main area of expertise is

canines � that's dogs to the

layperson.

She smiles at this.

MARY:

Thanks. I love dogs, too. So how

are you involved with them?

HARRY:

Oh, I've trained them, bathed them,

clipped them; I've even bred them.

MARY:

Really? Any unusual breeding?

HARRY:

Nah, mostly just doggie-style. But

one time we successfully mated a

Bulldog and a Shitzu.

MARY:

Really? That's weird.

HARRY:

Yeah. We called it a Bullshit.

(breaks out LAUGHING)

Just a little breeder joke.

She seems strangely charmed by this.

HARRY (CONT.)

Anyway, the real reason I came over

is because I want to introduce you to

a friend of mine.

Just then, Mary's stepmother approaches. She's holding a martini and looking a little sloshed.

HELEN:

Mary, I don't believe I've met your

friend.

MARY:

Actually, we haven't been introduced

yet.

(holds out hand)

I'm Mary Swanson, and this is my

stepmother, Helen.

HARRY:

Harry Dunne. Pleasure meeting you

both.

HELEN:

I saw you come in earlier, Mr. Dunne.

I was hoping we'd get a chance to

meet.

HARRY:

(taken aback)

You were?

HELEN:

That tuxedo � I love a man with a

sense of humor. So does Mary.

Mary shoots Helen a look, then smiles at Harry.

HARRY:

Really?

For a moment, he's caught up in Mary's eyes, but then manages to snap out of it.

HARRY (CONT.)

Anyway, about my friend �

HELEN:

--Are you doing anything tomorrow,

Mr. Dunne? Because I believe Mary's

looking for somebody to hit the

slopes with.

HARRY:

Whuh?

MARY:

Helen, you're embarrassing me.

HELEN:

Well you are, aren't you?

(to Harry)

Poor girl doesn't get out enough. So

what do you say, Harry? Are you

available?

Harry thinks about this, then looks across the room at a hopeful Lloyd.

HARRY:

Oh, I don't know. You see, my

friend �

HELEN:

--Forget your friends for one day.

You and Mary will have a ball.

Mary's captivating eyes meet his, waiting for an answer.

HARRY:

Um� well� I don't know. You see,

the thing is� sure.

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