Dumb and Dumber Page #15

ON LLOYD - he waits impatiently at the bar as Harry returns.

LLOYD:

How come you didn't call me over?

HARRY:

Relax, you're golden. I got you a

date with her tomorrow.

Lloyd falls back against the bar and grabs his chest. He's SPEECHLESS.

LLOYD:

Wha� you� I� it's�

(smiles)

I love you, man. I love you!

Lloyd clamps an embarrassed Harry in a TIGHT EMBRACE.

HARRY:

Okay, get a grip, Lloyd. You're

making a scene.

Lloyd steps back elated.

LLOYD:

This calls for a toast!

He grabs a bottle of champagne out of a bucket and starts to open it.

LLOYD (CONT.)

You're gonna be my best man, Har, I

mean it. It was always between you

and my future wife's brother, but you

just earned a seat at the head table,

pal.

Suddenly the CORK SHOOTS OUT OF THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE AND ZIPS ACROSS

THE ROOM LIKE A BULLET � DIRECTLY TOWARD ONE OF THE NOW EVEN WIDER-

EYED OWLS. In quick succession we hear a BOK!, a SQUAWK!, and a THUMP!

A HUSH falls over the entire party as everyone turns their stunned attention to the cage.

THEIR POV - feathers are floating in the air throughout the cage, and one of the Icelandic Snow

Owls LIES ON ITS BACK, its species now one bird closer to extinction.

Harry and Lloyd look on in horror. Harry takes the smoking champagne bottle from Lloyd and

places it on the bar.

HARRY:

(under breath)

I think we've done enough hobnobbing,

Lloyd.

The guys LOWER THEIR HEADS and slink out of the room before anyone can figure out what

happened � anyone except for Nicholas Andre, that is; we PAN to show that he's been standing

nearby watching their every move. And he doesn't look very happy.

CUT TO:

INT. AASPEN APARTMENT - NIGHT

Nicholas Andre is pacing the room with a drink in his hand while J.P. Shay looks on nervously.

J.P. SHAY

Maybe it was just a coincidence.

ANDRE:

Don't be stupid. It's a message,

plain and simple: We killed their

bird, now they killed ours.

J.P. SHAY

But how could anybody off a bird with

a cork?

ANDRE:

These guys arent' just anybody.

They're good. Look what they did to

Mental. He was the best, and yet he

fell right into their web.

J.P. SHAY

But the bastards already got our

money. What the hell more could they

want?

Andre runs his fingers through his hair.

ANDRE:

(at wit's end)

I don't know, god damn it!

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - THE NEXT MORNING

A jubilant Lloyd is fixing his hair in the mirror. In the b.g., Harry is putting on his new ski clothes

� including a pair of thermal tights.

LLOYD:

Mrs. Christmas� Mary

Christmas� Mrs. Mary Christmas. You

know, it has kind of a ring to it,

doesn't it, Har?

HARRY:

Sounds nice, Lloyd, but don't you

think you may be jumping the gun a

little? I mean, who knows, when you

get to know her, you may find out

she's not your type.

LLOYD:

Impossible. I know my type when I

see it. Now let me get this

straight, she wants me to meet her at

the Avalanche Bar and Grill on Main

Street?

HARRY:

That's what she said. Ten o'clock

sharp.

This is when Lloyd notices Harry's get-up.

LLOYD:

Time out. Where are going

dressed like that.

HARRY:

I, uh, thought while you were making

your love connection I'd try my luck

on the slopes.

LLOYD:

You mean you're gonna go out in

public dressed in tights?

HARRY:

These aren't tights. They're

fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers.

LLOYD:

But you can see the outline of your

who-who.

Harry looks down at his crotch.

HARRY:

Really?

LLOYD:

Turn sideways.

Harry turns his profile against the window.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Actually, it's just a tiny little

lump. No one will ever notice.

HARRY:

You're right. I can't go out dressed

like this.

CUT TO:

EXT. ASPEN BASE LODGE - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT of the building.

INT. ASPEN BASE LODGE

People are putting their boots on and their skis are lined up on the wall behind them. Mary is

waiting by the fireplace in an incredibly sexy snowsuit.

Suddenly Harry appears in the room, dressed ridiculously. As he begins to clumsily make his way

through the lodge toward Mary, we see that he ALREADY HAS HIS SKIS ON. He kicks over a

row of skis and gets glares from all sides. Finally he reaches her, OUT OF BREATH.

HARRY:

Sorry I'm late. It's a b*tch driving

a clutch with these things.

EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY

Harry and Mary are at the front of the lift line. The couple ahead of them get on a chair, and then

they shuffle into position. Harry crouches nervously, waiting for the chair. The chair swings

around, comes up behind them, and makes a smooth pick up � of Mary, that is. An embarrassed

Harry is STILL IN THE CROUCHING POSITION, having missed the ride. Mary looks back at

him, confused. Suddenly he pretends to be stretching.

HARRY:

(CALLING OUT)

You take the first run alone. I'm

gonna loosen up down here.

CUT TO:

INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - DAY

Lloyd ENTERS the bar as the WAITERS are setting up for the day.

WAITER:

I'm sorry, we don't open until

eleven.

This is disconcerting news to Lloyd.

LLOYD:

I'm meeting someone. Mind if I wait

at the bar?

The Waiter shrugs and Lloyd sits down at the empty bar.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHAIR LIFT - DAY

Harry and Mary are now sitting together on a chair as it rises higher and higher toward the

imposing mountain top. Harry holds onto the chair's frame nervously.

MARY:

Beautiful day, huh, Harry?

HARRY:

Glorious.

Mary takes a DEEP BREATH.

MARY:

God, it feels so good to get up here.

I haven't been outdoors much in the

last couple of weeks.

HARRY:

Why not?

MARY:

(evasive)

There's been� family problems. I

don't want to bore you with them.

HARRY:

Thanks.

He looks mindlessly off in the distance. Then Harry notices a PATCH OF FROST on the chair lift

bar.

HARRY (CONT.)

Oh, look� frost.

He licks it � and his TONGUE IMMEDIATELY FUSES WITH THE FROZEN METAL. He

tugs a few times, but it won't budge.

MARY:

Are you okay?

HARRY:

(lisping)

Sure. I do this all the time�

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN TOP - DAY

As Mary and Harry arrive at the top of the lift, Mary disembarks but Harry stays on.

HARRY:

(lisping)

See ya at the bottom�

Harry and the chair lift swing around and start heading down the hill.

CUT TO:

EXT. BOTTOM OF MOUNTAIN - DAY

The chair lift comes back around with Harry still sitting on it, stuck to the bar. Two LITTLE

KIDS climb on with him.

HARRY:

(lisping)

Hi.

(off their looks)

Say, kids, you wouldn't happen to

have a cup of warm water, would you?

The two kids just stare at him.

CUT TO:

INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON

A despondent Lloyd's got a couple of empties in front of him now. The bar is open and there are a

few CUSTOMERS sprinkled about. Lloyd takes a sip of his drink and looks up at the clock on the

wall. It's 12:
30.

We see a pair of beautiful legs slide onto the stool next to him. PAN OVER to reveal that it's the

Athletic Beauty that Harry had tried to pick up at the truck stop.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

Hi.

Lloyd GRUNTS a hello.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT.)

Bad day, huh?

Lloyd GRUNTS once more.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY (CONT.)

(big smile)

well don't worry, Mercury's supposed

to be coming out or retrograde

tonight. Things will get better.

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