Dumb and Dumber Page #16

As Lloyd GRUNTS again, we

CUT TO:

EXT. BASE LODGE - AFTERNOON

Mary gracefully carves her way to the bottom of the hill and stops with a snow-spraying flourish.

She looks around the outdoor patio for Harry. She spots something and does a DOUBLE-TAKE.

MARY'S POV - Harry is sitting at a table, STILL ATTACHED TO THE CHAIR LIFT (which

has been removed from the cable). He's drinking a cup of coffee and trying to act nonchalant,

despite the gawking of the other SKIERS. There's a MIME performing in the b.g.

BACK TO SCENE:

MARY:

My god. Harry, are you okay?

HARRY:

(lisping)

I'm fine, I'm fine. It'll come off.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP of Harry's head through a RIFLE SCOPE. REVERSE ANGLE to reveal J.P. Shay a

few hundred feet up the hill with a high-powered rifle trained on Harry.

SHAY:

You're luck just ran out, pal.

As his trigger finger TWITCHES with anticipation, we go

BACK TO SCENE:

MARY:

This is silly. Let me help you�

Mary gets up and stands behind Harry. He MOANS nervously. She grabs his head in both hands

and starts pulling it away from the bar. We see HARRY'S TONGUE STRETCH

RIDICULOUSLY� FIVE INCHES� SIX� THEN EIGHT. Harry GROANS in pain.

Suddenly, his TONGUE COMES UNDONE and Harry and Mary fall backwards � out of the path

of J.P. Shay's bullet as it WHIZZES BY. We hear the Mime in the b.g. CRY OUT in pain:

MIME:

GODDAMN IT! WHAT THE F***?!

The poor Mime holds his bleeding hand and retreats nervously into the lodge as the CROWD

BOOS him.

CUT TO:

INT. AVALANCHE BAR & GRILL - AFTERNOON

Lloyd's now swimming in despair, as the Athletic Beauty RAMBLES ON beside him.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

�Anyway, after my boyfriend backed

into my garage for the third time, I

said to myself, 'Run, Cathy, run for

your life before he kills you both'.

Then you know what the klutz does �

LLOYD:

--No, and to be perfectly honest, I

don't really care.

(beat)

Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not very

good company today.

ATHLETIC BEAUTY:

I'll say.

(beat)

I have an idea. Why don't you tell

me a little about yourself.

LLOYD:

Maybe some other time.

Lloyd motions for the BARTENDER.

LLOYD (CONT.)

Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to

know a Mary Swanson, would you?

BARTENDER:

Sure. Her family comes in here all

the time.

LLOYD:

Do you know where she lives?

BARTENDER:

Yeah, they got that big place up on

Alpine Drive.

CUT TO:

EXT. SWANSON CHALET - LATE AFTERNOON

The hearse pulls up to the house and stops.

INT. HEARSE

MARY:

I've got to tell you, today was

really just what I needed. Thanks a

lot, Harry.

HARRY:

My pleasure, Mary.

She beams and gives him a KISS on the cheek.

MARY:

So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?

HARRY:

Better make it quarter to eight.

I've got a few things to take care of

first.

Harry watches, lovestruck, as Mary gets out of the car and walks toward the house.

HARRY (CONT.)

(to himself)

Mary Dunne� Mrs. Mary Dunne� Got a

nice ring to it.

We PAN from the hearse to some nearby bushes, where we see a SHATTERED LLOYD

WATCHING ALL THIS IN DISBELIEF.

LLOYD:

Some best man.

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE of Lloyd walking through the hills of Aspen, totally BUMMED OUT.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BEDROOM - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - EVENING

Lloyd is sitting forlornly on the bed while Harry feigns surprise at what he's just heard.

HARRY:

It doesn't make any sense, Lloyd.

She told me ten o'clock sharp. Are

you sure you went to the right bar?

LLOYD:

Believe me, it was the right place.

(SIGHS)

I don't know, Har, maybe she just had

second thoughts.

HARRY:

I have a hard time believing that,

Lloyd. The girl said she couldn't

wait to see you again.

Harry paces back and forth when suddenly SOMETHING OCCURES TO HIM.

HARRY (CONT.)

Wait a minute�

LLOYD:

What?

HARRY:

It just occurred to me. She must've

meant ten o'clock at night.

LLOYD:

(brightening)

Do ya think�?

HARRY:

Of course! Why would she have you

meet her at a bar at ten in the

morning?

LLOYD:

(shrugging)

I just figured she was a raging

alcoholic.

Harry BARKS OUT A LAUGH at their stupidity.

HARRY:

Boy, aren't we a couple of beauties?

LLOYD:

I knew there was an explanation. And

here I thought she was standing me

up.

HARRY:

That'll teach you to jump to

conclusions.

(beat)

Anyway, since you have your night all

planned, I think I'll run out and

catch a flick.

As Harry walks into the closet to change, Lloyd clenches his fist and glares after him. Then he

regains his composure and moves to the bar.

LLOYD:

Will you join me in a good luck toast

before you head out?

HARRY:

(o.s.)

Sure thing, pal. Whatever you think

will help your chances.

Lloyd BITES HIS LIP at this. He fills two mugs with coffee and throws a splash of Bailey's in

each. He check to make sure Harry is still in the closet, then pulls out a BOX OF EX-LAX.

LLOYD DUMPS THE ENTIRE PACK INTO ONE MUG AND MIXES IT IN.

When Harry comes out of the closet dressed in a NEW SUIT AND TIE, Lloyd does a double-

take.

LLOYD:

Pretty snazzed out for a movie, aren't

you?

HARRY:

Uh� it's for mature audiences. I

don't wanna chance getting turned

away at the door.

LLOYD:

I see.

Lloyd hands him the mug with the Ex-Lax. Then he lifts his own glass.

LLOYD (CONT.)

To my friend Harry the matchmaker.

Harry feels a pang of guilt but drinks up anyway.

HARRY:

Mmmmm�

He GULPS DOWN THE DRINK.

CUT TO:

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

Harry's driving along, WHISTLING happily to himself in anticipation of the night. Suddenly we

hear a LOW, INTESTINAL RUMBLE. He reacts and rubs his stomach.

EXT. SWANSON CHALET - NIGHT

The hearse parks on the street and Harry gets out. He's walking up the steps to the house when we

hear more GASEOUS THUNDER from his stomach. Harry stops in his tracks, gets his insides

under control, and continues to the front porch, where he RINGS the bell.

Mary answers the door, fiddling with her earrings.

MARY:

Hi. Come on in.

INT. SWANSON CHALET

Harry follows her inside.

MARY (CONT.)

Make yourself at home. I'm almost

ready. Just give me one more minute.

As she disappears down a hallway, we hear Harry's UPSET STOMACH again. He notices a

bathroom off the hallway and rushes inside.

INT. BATHROOM

HOLD ON Harry's face as he quickly pulls his pants down and nestles onto the throne. He lets out

a SIGH OF RELIEF as he does his business, then leans over and SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW

to air the room out. He's still glued to the toilet when he hears a KNOCK on the door.

MARY (CONT.)

(o.s.)

Are you in there, Harry?

HARRY:

(nervously)

Be right out.

MARY:

(o.s.)

I hope you're not using the toilet.

It's broken.

ZOOM IN TIGHT on Harry's face - his EYES GO WIDE and a visible SWEAT breaks out on his

forehead.

HARRY:

Huh?

MARY:

(o.s.)

It doesn't flush.

HARRY:

Um, no, I was just� shaving.

EXT. HALLWAY

A confused Mary is standing outside the bathroom door.

MARY:

Shaving?

HARRY:

(o.s.)

Yeah! I was running a little late.

Thought this would save time.

MARY:

Okay. Well I'll be in the living

room whenever you're ready.

INT. BATHROOM

Harry's got his pants back on and is lifting the lid off the toilet tank. He starts tinkering with a few

valves.

Rate this script:4.3 / 4 votes