Dumb and Dumber To Page #9

What are you talking about,

Lloyd? Penny's my daughter.

No, Harry, she isn't. Mmm-mmm.

What?

Why would you think

that she's your daughter?

Because of the postcard.

I was about to be a single

mom and I needed money.

And you owed me 40 bucks

from that stupid worm farm loan.

It's true, Har.

I'm the deadbeat dad, not you.

I'm Penny's baby-papa.

But don't judge me till you see this.

Oh, yeah, like a

cooler of cold brewskies

is gonna make everything okay!

It's not beer, it's my kidney!

Your kidney?

I figured

since you can't get one from Penny,

I'd give it to you myself.

Holy sh*t.

How did you get this?

I crossed the border into Mexico.

Turns out, the medical regs are

a little more chill down there.

Pardon me for bringing this

up, but I don't give a sh*t!

Yeah, but, Lloyd, she

isn't your daughter either.

Nice try, Fraida,

but Penny read me the letter.

I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove,

which is exactly where

you took me in the van!

So?

That was my spot.

I must have taken

hundreds of guys there.

What can I say?

I was a titanic whore.

That's enough bullshit.

Go ahead, Lippincott, kill them.

Oh, I Will.

But first, why don't you join them.

What?

You heard me. Drop it!

Get over there! Get over there!

You're kidding. She's on our team now?

Don't do this, Lippincott.

You're a military man.

I know you've got more

integrity than this!

What is this?

Huh?

Two cupcakes?

Actually, there were four cupcakes, sir.

I ate the two chocolate ones. Lloyd!

It's okay. I left the

vanilla ones for humanity.

Where's the invention?

Where's the goddamn

billion-dollar invention?

Put the gun down! Freeze!

Put the gun down, Lippincott!

Well! Hello.

Dad!

Bernard. Oh, thank God you're here.

God, and you're okay!

Stop right there.

What?

I appreciate your concern, Adele,

but it's a little late for that.

You see...

I couldn't stop wondering

why every time I ate your

cooking, I was getting sicker.

And then when Harry and Lloyd showed me

the letter from Penny's birth mother,

I recognized that the handwriting

sending it back was yours.

And the cruelty of

this got me to thinking.

Sol laid a little trap, and lo

and behold, you took the bait

like the toe-sucking rat that you are.

After you left for El Paso,

I called the FBI to make

sure Penny was protected.

I thought those Canadian

accents were a little shaky.

Yeah? You try it.

But what about invention?

It was just cupcakes.

A gift for Dr. Barbara Walcott

for my having canceled

at the last moment.

This is great, Dad!

Now you can pick up your Lifetime

Achievement reward in person!

It's "award," you stupid b*tch!

No!

Break it up! Get off!

Hands behind your back.

Hands behind your back.

I'm the good guy here! All right.

Are you okay, Har?

I think so.

Oh, yeah, it's just a little graze.

Uh, Har?

You might wanna put a

dab of Bactine on that.

Hurry, he's been shot!

We need a trauma room.

You're gonna be okay. What have we got?

Gunshot wound, left shoulder.

Lloyd, the kidney!

Kidney?

Oh, yeah.

Would you, by any chance,

have time this evening

to swap out a kidney?

I'm sorry, sir. What is this?

It's a kidney. My kidney.

It's for him,

my best pal. Ah!

He needs it.

Gentlemen, this is not a kidney.

What is it?

Better not be my heart. No.

I believe it's a pork chop.

In a baggie.

I wondered why my

kidney had grill marks.

And a bone.

Hey, wait.

Does that mean I still

have all my kidneys?

Let's have a look.

Ah.

I'm going to say probably not.

That's it.

I am gonna give that quack an earful

at my follow-up

appointment next Tuesday.

I'm sorry, Harry.

I failed you again!

It's okay, Lloyd.

I forgive you.

What's so funny?

Got ya!

I never needed a kidney!

What?

Oh, you should have seen

the look on your face!

I got you so good!

Wait a minute.

You mean,

I had my kidney removed

in the backseat of a Toyota Tercel

and you were faking? Uh-huh.

That is awesome!

That is a good one.

Totally worth it!

Gentlemen, I hate to

break up this Mensa summit,

but we've gotta get this

man's shoulder cleaned out.

Do you remember, you've been shot?

That was a good gag, Harry.

But don't you think it

still would have been funny

if you had told me you were kidding

before I lost my vital organ?

Oh, definitely. But not as!

That's true.

You guys are so cool.

How can I ever thank you

for what you did for me?

Got any cash?

Oh, yeah.

I think I've got a couple...

Thanks.

Score.

Oh, uh...

I'm sure those janitors

will thank us later. Mmm.

We were just straightening

up their broom closet.

Penny, wonderful news!

Your father has invited me to

come stay with you for a while,

so we can really get to know each other.

That's fantastic!

So let me ask you something, Fraida.

If I'm not Penny's father

and Lloyd's not her father,

then who's her father?

Funny you should ask.

Honey,

how would you like to

meet some relatives?

Mr. Stainer?

Oh, I should have known.

You horny, old goat!

No, Lloyd!

Mr. Stainer is Penny's grandfather.

Come on.

So, you mean Pee-Stain is the dad?

Duh!

Hi!

Oh...

She's beautiful!

Sweet Jesus, look at her.

She's got Peter's eyes.

You're kidding!

He donated them?

Hi, Pee-Stain!

Stainy!

Hey, sorry you got killed!

Let's get you away from

these guys, huh? Let's go.

Yeah.

Guys, there's still one

thing I don't understand.

How could either of you

have possibly thought

that you were Penny's father?

Why wouldn't we? Yeah!

Because we never had sex.

On.

You could have fooled us.

Yeah, nice try, Snow White.

Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory?

If I recall,

I played with your boobies

for a long time that night.

The motor boat,

the windshield wipers,

the punching bag.

You know, Harry,

you can't get a woman pregnant

by man-handling her breasts.

Oh, really?

Then why did your doorbells get so hard?

Yeah. And did you forget

about the French tickler,

in the back of the van?

Putting a frilly, glow-in-the-dark

condom on your finger

is not the same as having sex.

But what if I go like this?

No.

Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's

your definition of sex?

No way!

That's just...

Not my mom!

But that's where she pees!

It's in my head and I can't unlearn it!

You're bad!

Can you show us?

I call sloppy seconds!

Looks like everyone else

ended up with someone.

Yep-

And I got this pork chop.

So let me get this straight, Har.

When you visited me in the

nuthouse the last time...

Uh-huh... you knew about Penny already?

No, I found out about her

when we visited my parents.

But I had finally figured

out that you were faking.

Really? How? Mmm-hmm.

What gave it away?

A few months ago, I was changing

your diaper before bedtime

and you just seemed a little too upbeat.

Lloyd,

even though it's Christmas Eve,

I want you to know that there's

no place I would rather be

than right here, wiping

my best friend's dookie.

on.

Looks like we got

another stocking stuffer.

I remember that.

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