Dunston Checks In

Good morning, sir. Welcome to the Majestic.

May I help you?

Lionel Spalding...

and Neil.

Welcome to the Majestic, Mr. Spalding, Neil.

Thank you.

(woman singing opera)

(sings in German)

This is the air shaft to basement.

Do you read me?

I read you. What's your 20?

I'm in position. Found our target.

He's picking on poor Artie.

Artie, I don't care how long

you've been at this hotel.

You must smile when you greet the guests.

You should see this lady who checked in.

She weighs about a thousand pounds.

That's a physical impossibility.

And stay focused. We're on a mission.

Sorry. Ten-four.

One more time like this, and cut.

OK... go.

- Is he on the mark?

- Not yet.

- Kyle, what's he doing?

- Not yet!

(woman sings on / dog growls and yaps)

Now! Now! Now!

No...

Arh! Arh! Arh!

Argh!

Uh-oh. Air shaft to basement.

We have a problem.

- "What?"

- We hosed some guests.

Abort mission. Repeat, abort mission.

Neil! I'm comin', baby!

Neil!

- Better get out of here till things cool down.

- Gotcha.

Whoa!

Mr. Grant, you might wanna

step out here a moment.

- Hey, Murray.

- Hey, boys.

- "(Kyle) Slow down!"

- What the...

Wait a minute.

Brian! Kyle!

Better split up, Kyle.

What? Argh!

- Whoa!

- Aaaargh!

Get your hands off me!

Well... isn't this a pleasant way

to start the day?

His name is Neil.

After Neil Armstrong.

"(baby talk)" The first man on the moon.

Yes, he was.

And he's very, very sensitive.

Yes, well, I can see that

just from looking into his eyes.

I just hope he hasn't suffered

any severe trauma.

A hem.

- Mr. Grant.

- Yes. Thank you, Nancy.

Dr. Sultanov.

He's one of the finest

pet psychologists in the city.

Please mention my name,

and I'm sure he'll see Neil right away.

Well, thank you, Mr. Grant.

- Say thank you to Mr. Grant.

- "(yaps)"

Hmm.

We were aiming for Norm, Dad.

He stole our Frisbee.

No. He did not steal your Frisbee.

He dug it out of the smoked salmon,

where you threw it.

We didn't mean to soak any guests.

Mm-hm.

Kyle, would you hold this?

Attaboy. Would you mind

putting it in right about here?

- Dad.

- No, no. I insist.

Brian, you too.

Bernard, can I have another knife?

Push it in and start carving.

You might as well.

Because if this week doesn't go perfectly -

and I mean perfectly -

and if you two do "anything"

to foul up the Crystal Ball,

I am going to be skewered, roasted,

and served as dead duck flambe.

So unless you two prefer moving

from a five-star hotel to a trailer park,

we will have no further disturbances.

Do you understand?

We're sorry, Dad.

Now...

next week...

after this is all over,

we get to go on vacation.

Yes!

Barbados for ten days, just the three of us.

Yes!

And we get to be the guests.

And we will nag, and we will complain,

and we will make

other people's lives miserable.

Yes!

But until that time...

you're both grounded.

- What?

- What?

Come on, guys. Let's go. Dinner.

Hey, I was up to 400 bucks.

- Where's your brother?

- Barbados.

Kyle, what are you doing?

Practicing.

I figure we need spear guns for sharks.

Wouldn't that be cool

if we got to shoot a shark?

- For everyone but the shark.

- Will the hotel have spear guns?

We can ask the concierge when we get there.

Don't you like your steak?

It's OK.

OK? That's the finest fillet in the city.

Well, maybe we should

cook for ourselves one night.

Why? We have a five-star restaurant

at our beck and call.

What if our plane crashes

and we're stranded in the jungle,

and we need spear guns to shoot our food,

but we don't know how to cook it?

You think the same way your mother did.

Did I ever tell you that before?

Is that good?

Well...

it was never boring.

(speaking French)

If you gotta be grounded,

a five-star hotel is the place to be.

So if you'd like extra towels or ice...

(speaks French)

Enjoy your stay.

(small whimper)

(knock knock)

(knock knock knock)

(knock)

Terribly sorry. It slipped out of my hand.

I heard something in there.

Probably one of my sports coats.

I've been told they're a little bit loud.

Don't you think that's funny?

Oh. Yeah, now I get it. "(chuckles)"

That's better.

Would you like to see a little trick, hm?

OK.

You know, I can do all sorts of tricks.

Do you know what my speciality is, hm?

No.

I can make nosy little boys disappear.

One more thing...

My dollar.

Good morning. Rutledge.

Welcome to the Majestic, Mr. Rutledge.

"Lord" Rutledge.

- I beg your pardon.

- Quite all right.

The Rutledges don't stand on the ceremony.

"(woman)" Lord Rutledge.

- What are you doing here, darling?

- Mrs. Dellacroce. Are you here for the ball?

Of course.

Where is poor "Mr". Dellacroce?

Not here.

Oh? How...

sad.

Let's get to work.

300 rooms, Dunston, equals 600 earrings,

if my math serves me right.

Here we are. The Majestic Hotel.

And it's ours for the taking.

And where better to begin

than with the lovely Mrs. Dellacroce?

Room 812.

Remember her?

I hope she hasn't pawned all the best

jewelry to finance those facelifts.

I thought you'd given up.

It'll stunt your growth. Now give it back.

Dunston, I'm a little too busy

for your ever-so-amusing little games.

Now will you please give it back?!

(cackles)

Monkey spit.

How delicious.

Very good.

Very good.

Dunston, have you seen the ice bucket?

I have two words to say to you:

medical... experiments.

Thank you.

Now... go to your room.

(blows raspberry)

I'm not debating this. You move!

I'm a liberal parent.

Have it your own way.

God forbid I should spoil your fun.

Go to your room!

(whimpers)

Spare the rod and spoil the monkey.

(whimpering)

Dubrow alert.

- Dubrow alert?

- Dubrow alert!

- Dubrow alert.

- Dubrow alert.

Dubrow alert!

Dubrow alert!

Dubrow al...

Lobby three degrees too cold.

Doorman slow to open car door.

Two crushed butts in ashtray number one.

Make that four degrees too cold.

Victor.

Come along, darling.

You look beautiful, don't you?

Mrs. Dubrow! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

- Shh. Quite all right.

- "(dog yaps)"

I'm taking him to his analyst.

Don't let me keep you...

"Consuelo."

I'm sorry.

Consuelo.

So I knocked on the trunk,

and it knocked back...

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- "Dubrow alert".

- Dubrow alert!

- Wait, I'm not done.

Yes, you are. She doesn't like kids.

She once kicked Big Bird in the nuts.

Damn! Ooh...

Dad!

Dad! Dad, put me down! Dad, put me down!

- Dad!

- Under the desk!

Robert.

Mrs. Dubrow.

Ooh! Little roll in the carpet.

What a pleasant surprise.

- Mr. Dubrow, nice to see you, sir.

- Fluffy towels.

I beg your pardon?

Read the cards, Robert.

Got to keep up on the cards

so you know what our guests want.

Know what they want? Huh?

Know what they want?

- Fluffy towels?

- That's right.

Nice fluffy towels.

Talk to the laundry immediately.

Victor, darling, sit down

and work on your cards.

Robert, we have some very exciting news.

- Uh...

- "(laughs)" Doesn't it look great?

- What do you think?

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