Early Man Page #2

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The hour has come.

(DRUMS BEATING)

Let the sacred game commence!

ANNOUNCER:

Introducing Real Bronzio

and the captain, Jurgend!

Today's match official,

Referee Dino!

LORD NOOTH:
In the name

of Queen Oofeefa,

we give thanks

for the beautiful game.

Oggy! Oggy! Oggy!

CROWD:
Oi! Oi! Oi!

Let's play football!

- (CROWD CHEERING)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Whilst I count my schnookels.

(DUG GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Hgelgraber!

What are you doing?

Get in the goal!

What's up with Hgelgraber?

Come on!

Pick it up! Pick it up!

To me! To me!

What? Put it down!

Put it down!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Free kick!

Hgelgraber!

Just get in the game!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(SLO-MO VOICE) Just kick it!

(HEART THUMPING)

(CROWD GASPS)

- (CROWD GASPING)

- Huh?

(CROWD SHOUTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Huh? (SCREAMS)

(DUG GRUNTS)

What are you doing,

Hgelgraber?

You just scored an own goal!

(PLAYERS CHEERING)

HGELGRABER:
He's not me!

- Huh?

- (CROWD GASPS)

(WOLF-WHISTLE)

- Oh!

- (CROWD GASPS)

- Huh?

- (CHUCKLES)

A caveman?

- A caveman?

- CROWD:
A caveman?

Playing the sacred game?

Bring him here.

(GRUNTS)

How dare you...

Oh. (GRUNTS)

How dare you set foot

on our hallowed ground?

You took our ground.

- Our home!

- (SCOFFS) Oh, that.

Listen, you Stone Age brute.

You have no home.

Your kind are finished

on this Earth.

Now take him away and kill him.

Slowly.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Argh! No, I mean

take him away at normal speed

and kill him slowly. Idiots!

- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

- Now get on with the game.

VIKING CAPTAIN:

We challenge the champions!

Wait... Wait!

(YELLING)

- (GRUNTS)

- (AIR HISSING)

(ALL GASPING)

(DUG PANTING)

We challenge the champions!

- (ALL GASP)

- Huh?

What did you say?

- He said, "We challenge..."

- I heard what he said!

If we win, we keep our valley.

You leave my tribe in peace.

- (CROWD MURMURING)

- Hmm.

You think you can beat us

at football?

- (LAUGHING)

- (CROWD LAUGHING)

A match between

the Bronze and the brutes?

What an idea!

Sacrilege, O Premier Leader!

Yes. Quite.

The masses would flock to see

such a vulgar spectacle. Pah!

Hmm...

Oh!

Really?

For the valley, you say?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(ALL SOBBING)

HOGNOB:
Hmm?

(HOGNOB BARKING)

(GASPS)

- Dug!

- ASBO:
It's Dug!

- BARRY:
He's alive!

- (EXCITED CHATTER)

Uh, what's that crazy fruit

he's got?

CHIEF BOBNAR:
"Football"?

- What's "football"?

- (ALL GASP)

And how's it going to get

our valley back?

Well, it's this amazing game,

Chief.

And the leader

of the Bronze people,

he says if we play this game

and beat them at it...

Ooh, nice tight shorts!

Aw, Mum!

...we can have our valley back.

- (ALL GASP)

- That's what we want.

- And if we don't beat them?

- DUG:
Ah.

Well, then,

he said we'll spend the rest

of our miserable lives

working down a mine.

No!

- What's a "mine"?

- CHIEF BOBNAR:
Dug,

we've never even played

this game.

But that's just it.

We did. Once.

Huh?

Those cave paintings

back in our valley,

they're pictures of our

ancestors playing football.

(ALL GASPING IN AWE)

- Champion!

- DUG:
So if they did it,

surely we can do it.

(SNEEZES)

Sorry! Shimmering memories

make me sneeze.

This doesn't change anything,

Dug.

It's just too risky.

Oh, come on, Chief!

We can do it, Chief!

I wanna play football!

I wanna play now!

Now!

(STAMMERS) Listen...

No, we're not... No!

(ALL GROAN)

All right, then.

Don't worry about us.

Yeah, we'll... (SNIFFLES)

We'll be okay.

We'll just die a slow and

lingering death in the Badlands.

Huh?

Come on, Chief.

Just give us a chance. Please!

(GRUNTS ENCOURAGINGLY)

(SIGHS) Look, all right.

(ALL GASP)

Maybe we'll give this

"football" idea a try, then.

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

(SCREAMS)

No promises, mind.

The match is to be played

at the full moon.

(ALL CHEERING)

And then we go back

to the valley!

- (ALL CHEERING)

- Sweet!

- (BUG CHITTERING)

- (YELPS).

(GROANS)

(BOTH STRAINING)

(GRUNTS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

CHIEF BOBNAR:
Right, line up,

everybody! In line!

- All yours, Dug.

- Thanks, Chief.

All right!

- Um...

- Um...

Are hogs supposed

to play football?

- (GRUNTING)

- No. Oh...

Probably not, no.

Sorry, Hognob.

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

- This is a football.

- (ALL GASP)

One side tries to kick

the ball into this goal.

ALL:
Ooh.

And the other side tries

to kick the ball in that goal.

ALL:
Ahh!

Football sounds hard.

What happens if you kick

the ball in the goal?

Well, if you kick the ball

in the goal,

then other men hug and kiss you.

- Oh.

- Mmm.

Right, who wants to try?

- I'll give it a go.

- (ALL LAUGH)

- ASBO:
Nice one.

- Aw, Mum!

Good, Magma. All right, okay, good.

Right. Um...

So I'm...

I'm gonna try and get the ball,

and you have to stop me, okay?

(GRUNTING)

Come on, come on!

- Ow!

- (ALL CHEERING)

- Nice one, Mum!

- MAGMA:
Football's brilliant.

CHIEF BOBNAR:

That can't be right.

Surely, you can't hit

other players?

No, you're supposed

to attack the ball.

(ALL SHOUTING)

No, no, no, no, not weapons!

Just use fist?

No! No fighting at all.

- Where's the fun in that?

- DUG:
Uh...

Hmm.

- (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

- (GRUBUP GRUNTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

- DUG:
Okay, Thongo!

- (THONGO GRUNTS)

Oh! (YELPS)

Ooh! (YELPS)

- Oh!

- Yes!

Good effort. Great.

Okay, next.

- (DUG CLEARS THROAT)

- Huh?

Hognob.

(SIGHS)

Go for it, Asbo.

(YELLING)

- Yay!

- (ALL CHEERING)

Yay!

Oh...

(BALL APPROACHING)

Excuse me!

Can we have our ball back,

please?

Huh. Hmm.

- (MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

- (GRUNTING)

LORD NOOTH:
Trust me, Dino.

This football match between

the Stone Age

and the Bronze World,

it's perfect!

- Oh, how I love it!

- Yes, football.

No.

Bronze!

- (CLINKING)

- LORD NOOTH:
Mmm.

So cold and hard and slippery.

- Mmm.

- (CHUCKLES)

Ooh.

And this game is going

to make me loads of it.

Your Premiership,

what if the Queen finds out?

(SCOFFS) That old crow?

She doesn't know

what goes on out here.

(CHUCKLES) Luckily.

- (BIRD SQUAWKS)

- (SPITS)

(GROANS)

Delivering message!

Your Footballness,

it's a Message Bird.

Huh?

Ugh. Well, go on, make it...

(CLEARS THROAT)

(IMITATING QUEEN)

"Hello? Hello?

"How do you use

this Message Bird thing?"

It's the Queen.

(IMITATING ADVISER) "Just

speak into its ear, ma'am.

"It will mimic

everything it hears."

(IMITATING QUEEN) "I don't even know if

I'm holding it the... Testing! (SQUAWKS)

"Testing! (SQUAWKS)

"Nooth? Nooth?"

Perhaps she's heard

about the game.

(SCOFFS) Of course she hasn't

heard about the game.

"I've heard about the game.

- (GASPS) "You, arranging a football

match against a bunch of savages?

"You idiot!

"Imagine if we lost."

- We won't.

- "I said, imagine it!

"Exactly!

"The mighty Bronze Age

"brought to its knees

by a bunch of cavemen?

"Well, I'm warning you, Nooth.

"You'd better not lose."

- "Hmm?"

- (GASPS)

(SQUAWKS)

End of message.

Oh! Hmm.

Silly old bat!

How dare she talk

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