Easy A Page #2

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There's a higher power

that will judge you for your indecency.

Tom Cruise?

I hope for your sake

that God has a sense of humor.

Oh, I have 17 years' worth

of anecdotal proof he does.

You've made your bed.

I just hope for your sake

that you've cleaned the sheets.

- Did I just get saved?

- I missed you.

Oh, you too.

So Marianne spread the rumor.

For the first time ever, my sexual

exploits were the talk of the school.

Oh, you know what? I'm wrong.

It was the second time.

The first time was back

in 8th grade...

... when all I wanted was a kiss from

this guy I had always had a crush on.

Todd and I were thrown together

in Seven Minutes of Heaven.

Luckily we had a super romantic

song from our youth to set the mood.

I think this is the part...

...where you're supposed to

stick your tongue in my mouth.

That's what I've heard, anyway.

Just give me a second, okay?

According to my watch,

you have 382 of them.

- How do you do that?

- What?

Add so fast.

And you also talk like a grown-up.

Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart

as I think I am.

So if we didn't do anything,

could you still tell people we kissed?

Absolutely.

- Thanks, Olive.

- Sure, Todd.

I actually didn't wanna lie that time.

When people thought

I'd kissed someone, they didn't care.

But when they thought

I slept with someone...

Hey, Olive. How's it going?

I'm swell,

Guy-I've-Never-Talked-to-Before.

Thanks for asking.

All I could think to myself was,

"Great, now I'm a tramp."

I'm gonna have to get

a lower-back tattoo...

... and pierce something

not on my face.

You guys know that

I was here all weekend, right?

- Yeah.

- Yes, you were upstairs.

- Yeah.

- You would testify to that?

- Yeah.

- I would take a bullet for you.

You know that.

Right between the eyes.

Man, I would slit my throat...

...rather than say something

to someone...

...that you didn't want me to say.

- That's not necessary.

- But that is comforting.

- That's how I am, how I roll.

That's how I do, as they say.

- I like the pants.

- Thank you. They're Costco.

You can have them

when you get taller.

- I'm never gonna go through puberty.

- Course you will.

But we're a family of late bloomers.

I didn't until I was 14. Nor did Olive.

Why does that matter? I'm adopted.

What? Oh, my God. Who told you?

Guys, we were gonna do this

at the right time.

Listen to me.

Sometimes, even when a man and

a woman love each other very much...

...like your mother and I used to...

...their insides just don't cooperate

with each other.

So, what's going on, honey?

Why do you want us to take a bullet

if anyone asks if you were here?

It's nothing. It's just the rumor mill.

What's the rumor mill churning out

these days? Anything interesting?

You know, not really. Not really.

It's a little low on grist.

Clever wordplay. I like it.

You must be related to me.

- Only by marriage.

- Give it to me.

So, what we're all gonna take away

from this:

- I was here all weekend, right?

- Yes, yes, yes.

Remember how I told you

Google Earth couldn't find me...

... if I was dressed up

as a ten-story building?

Well, the next day it could find me if I

was dressed as a crack on a sidewalk.

That's the beauty of being

a girl in high school.

People hear you had sex once

and, bam, you're a bimbo.

I really didn't mean for the lie

to put me on the map...

... but I gotta admit,

I kind of liked being on the map.

So, clearly Nathaniel Hawthorne

is a complex writer.

Even I had trouble with him.

I read him originally when I was 5,

but I struggled.

So I'm gonna break it down for you.

I'm gonna throw some rhymes.

Anson, drop me a beat.

- What?

- Give me a beat.

Push it up.

Yeah, adultery, vengeance

Crimes of passion

Kill the beat.

I'm not gonna rap for you.

It's pandering

and it's been done before...

...in every bad movie

you've ever seen. Okay.

Ironically, we were studying

The Scarlet Letter.

Now, isn't that always the way?

The books you read in class always

have some strong connection...

... with whatever angsty

adolescent drama is going on.

Except for Huckleberry Finn.

I don't know any teenage boys...

... who have ever run away

with a big, hulking black guy.

For those who haven't read

The Scarlet Letter...

...or for those who said you did

but didn't, here's all you need to know.

This girl, Hester Prynne,

has an affair with a minister...

... is besmirched and made to wear

a red A for "adulterer."

The town realizes

she was too harshly judged...

... and she's really a good person,

and she dies a saint.

A whole bunch

of other stuff happens too.

If you have a test on it, rent the movie,

but make sure it's the original...

...not the Demi Moore version where

she talks in a fake British accent...

...and takes a lot of baths.

To say that one was freely adapted

is a bit of an understatement, guvnor.

What we have to realize...

...is that Hester lived

in an entirely different time.

A time when the worst crime a woman

could commit was in fact adultery.

Nina.

I think Hester Prynne was...

Excuse my language... . A skank.

A skank? So you don't think

she was a victim at all?

Why should I?

She brought it on herself.

Perhaps you should embroider a red A

on your wardrobe, abominable tramp.

Perhaps you should get a wardrobe,

you abominable twat.

Not my best line,

but it was provocative enough...

... to land me in the principal's office.

Seems as if someone's

on a downward spiral.

Seems as if someone's

practicing the mundane activities...

...she'll be saddled with

the rest of her life.

I hope you at least had the good sense

to use protection.

Why? Your parents didn't.

- You're going to hell.

- Just as long as you won't be there.

I can assure you I won't.

Good.

I don't care who started it.

Just work it out.

Penderghast.

So why am I just meeting you?

Language like this would've

warranted a visit years ago.

This is the first time I've done anything

remotely misbehavioral.

This is foul.

I know. I am so...

I'm really, really sorry.

Sorry you said it

or sorry you got caught?

Sorry I said it, honestly.

And sorry I got caught a little bit too,

but mostly just sorry I said it.

If you use a word like this again in my

school, it'll be your last. Understand?

Yes, sir. Yes.

I mean, this isn't one of

those progressive schools...

...where teachers are called

by their first names...

...and students

are partners in learning...

...and there's a fundraising auction

at the end of the year...

...where the more creative parents

put on musical skits...

...about the community garden.

This is public school.

If I can keep the girls off the pole and

the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.

Now, if you're sent to me

one more time...

...you're gonna be out on your fantail.

Now, am I making myself clear?

Yes, sir.

- Good.

- I think so.

I mean, I got a little lost in the middle,

but I found my way back.

Detention after school tomorrow.

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