Easy A Page #3

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Now, out.

Even though it was my slutty alter ego

that said a bad word in school...

... it was my ass that got in trouble...

... which was a place my ass

had never been before.

Hey, Olive.

Oh, my God. The illusion is shattered.

They put you in the gas chamber if you

take your head off at Disney World.

I think they just fire you.

You're thinking of Disneyland.

- Disney World is more liberal.

- Oh, yeah.

I always forget Disney World

went blue in the last election.

Are you going

to Melody Bostic's party?

I hadn't planned on it.

Me neither. My cousin's getting

married. It's a rehearsal dinner.

See you. Stay excellent.

You too.

- What's up, kid?

- Woodchuck.

Please tell me the rumors are true.

Yes. Yes. I am a big, fat slut.

No, the one where you got suspended

for calling Nina Howell a dick...

...and punching her in the left tit.

I worry about the way information

circulates at this school.

Rhi? I need to tell you something.

Like the exact moment

you turned into such a badass?

- I think I'm in love with you.

- Okay.

Tell me you left a mark

on that scrunched-up face of hers?

- It's not true.

- It wasn't the left tit?

It was the right one.

I always pegged you for a southpaw.

Can you listen to me

for one second, please?

Okay. It didn't happen.

Oh, yeah, right. Your secret's safe

with me, you little sex monkey.

I got sent to the principal today.

Did you win a medal or something?

Not exactly.

I used inappropriate language

in English class.

Although we're reading a book

that I personally deem...

...inappropriate for our age group,

so I actually felt it was quite apropos.

What did you say?

Let's just say

it was an inappropriate word.

Well, what did it start with?

A snide comment

from a snotty girl in my class.

No, I mean what letter

did the word start with?

- T.

- Oh, T.

- T? Let us think. T, T, T.

- T. All right, T. Yeah, T.

- T, T, T.

- T, T, T.

- Guys.

- Noun, adjective or verb?

Noun. It's definitely slang.

Think British.

Tallywhacker? Termagant?

You're just saying sounds.

Those are sounds.

- Spell it with your peas.

- Yeah, spell it with your peas. Do it.

- I will take that challenge.

- Do it.

I like that. All right.

So does this have anything to do

with the rumor...

...that you mentioned the other night?

Do you need to talk to us

about something, sweetie?

What's a twit?

That's an A, honey.

It'll get you sent

to the principal's office.

Sit down.

We're lucky that this

is not a common occurrence.

What would my punishment

have been otherwise?

- Bed without supper, I guess.

- But I'm already finished.

- No dating. No dating.

- Yeah, no dating.

- No dating for you, young lady.

- No dating.

I think my complete lack of allure...

...already kind of

shot that horse in the face.

I wouldn't know how to be grounded

more than you know how to ground.

That's right. Love you. Come here.

And I bet that girl was acting

like exactly what you called her.

Oh, you have no idea.

I got a B-plus

on my spelling test today.

That's good, honey, but everything

has spell check these days, so...

Just kidding.

Where are you from originally?

So the next day I had detention...

... which, thanks to recent budget cuts,

meant cleaning.

I was looking forward to

getting all this behind me.

I had done the crime.

I was gonna do the time.

And that would be that,

but that...

Aren't there, like,

child labor laws against this?

Not in high school.

The principal's like the captain

of the ship in international waters.

He can even marry people.

We haven't talked in a while.

How have you been, Brandon?

Fabulous. I'm crushing it.

Everything according to plan.

I wanna be in detention.

Yeah, why are you here?

From the blood I saw gushing out of

your nose, I thought you were bullied.

Principal Gibbons is a homophobe,

which is why I called him a fascist.

- So the rumors are true.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

I meant about

Gibbons being a fascist.

So, what's with your new look?

Very whore couture.

Oh, haven't you heard?

I'm the new school slut.

You know, I did hear something.

I also heard he was twice your age.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, he was a freshman in college.

I also heard he gave you crabs.

- People suck.

- Tell me about it.

He's not real.

- What?

- The guy I slept with. I made him up.

Wait, you started the rumor?

Indirectly, I guess sort of.

Or actually, no.

No, not really. No, I didn't.

Well, but you're perpetuating it.

That's really messed up.

Excuse me?

You're not even a real slut.

You just want people to think you are.

It's pathetic.

No offense, but you could probably

learn something from me, Brando.

Are you saying that I should

act straight so people will like me?

That's groundbreaking. You should

teach a course at The Learning Annex.

It could be called "The Painfully

Obvious with Olive Penderghast...

...the Fake School Slut."

I was just suggesting that

maybe these kids we call peers...

...are onto something.

You know, like Marianne Bryant.

Maybe that whole stuck-up,

Jesus-freak thing is an act. You know?

No, I think she's just

a stuck-up Jesus freak.

And there are some of us who are

just trying to blend in to the crowd.

Well, then you've gotta do

everything you can to blend in...

...or decide not to care.

I can't decide if you're a genius

or a lunatic.

Well, don't they sort of go

hand in hand?

- So you heard any word from George?

- Nope.

I told you, that was a one-night stand,

which is now over.

You're being pretty cavalier

about this.

Aren't you supposed to be

eternally in love with him?

Yes, I believe so. If I was a Gossip Girl

in Sweet Valley with traveling pants.

But no, I'm not.

So I could really care less.

So Brandy Carter

was telling Vanessa Hodges...

...that you were with three guys

in a Jacuzzi.

Sounds like a lot of work.

I guess that's still better than

getting it on with some old dude.

Who said that?

Do you know that Brandon kid?

That's what somebody told him.

Isn't he a homo?

Yeah.

Speak of the devil. Hello.

I was just talking about you

with my friend, Rhiannon.

You know Rhiannon.

She's perpetually angry.

She curses like a Somali sailor. Bi...

- Yeah. That's the one.

- "Bi..."? "Bi..."? What's "bi-"?

- Okay.

- I wanna know what "bi..." is.

Hello, what's "bi..."? What is "bi..."?

- Bye.

- "Bi..."? What is "bi..."?

Bedazzling personality?

Beautiful, beautiful soul?

- Big tits.

- That's my identifier?

Yes!

All right, well, that was Brandon. He

needs to talk to me about something.

- Probably wants to borrow an outfit.

- Whatever, Big Tits.

Heck, yeah!

Big tits!

The next day,

things took a turn for the scandalous...

...which brings us to part three.

A lady's choice

and a gentleman's agreement.

Hi. Is there an Olive here?

There's a whole jar of them

in the fridge.

I'm sorry,

I must have the wrong address.

Just kidding. Come on in.

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