Easy A Page #4

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Any friend of Olive's

is a friend of our daughter's.

Olive, sweetie.

There's a young man

here to see you.

He said something about asking

for your hand in marriage.

Oh, happy day, Mama!

Oh, I thought I was gonna have

to spend my dowry...

...on booze and pills

to numb the Ioneliness.

A gentleman caller, hurray!

- What's that?

- Olive has a boy in her room.

- A boy?

- A boy.

- Wow, a boy.

- A boy.

A boy?

A boy.

Welcome.

This is where the magic happens.

And by magic I mean nothing.

- Do you wanna go out with me?

- What?

Well, I mean, like,

do you wanna be my girlfriend?

Brandon, just a couple hours ago

you told me you were Kinsey Six gay.

True, but you said I should

pretend to be straight, so...

Yeah, I didn't mean with me.

I mean, you're a nice guy and all,

but you're not really my type.

Yeah, you're not really

my type either.

Yeah, I know that. I got that V

where you'd rather see a P.

Do you wanna

have sex with me or not?

Oh, my God, dude.

You completely missed the point.

- That's not what I was saying.

- I know what you were saying.

I should act straight

till I get out of this hellhole.

Then I can be whoever I wanna be.

I get that.

You know that I didn't have sex

with a college guy, right?

I just told everybody I did.

Actually, I told one person I did.

And you know how these things work.

It's like wildfire.

So you're saying

I shouldn't really have sex?

I should just say I had sex

with someone. A girl.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, no.

- Wai... Just...

- Oh, no, no, no.

- No way! No way!

- Just wait. Wait, wait. Stop it, stop it.

- Absolutely not.

- Think about it. Think about it.

- We could help each other out.

- No.

You wanna maintain

this floozy facade.

I don't wanna get pushed into sh*t

every day. It's a win-win-win.

How do you know I like

being thought of as a floozy?

Because at least

you're being thought of.

Just one good imaginary bonk.

You are on crack. All right?

And not the good kind.

It doesn't have to be a bonk.

It could be an imaginary butterbean,

lemon squeeze...

- I don't know what any of that means.

- That's because you're a virgin.

You know what?

This is not the answer at all.

- I'll pay you whatever you want.

- I don't want your money, Brandon.

Just do what I did

and make someone up.

Who's going to believe me?

You don't understand how hard it is,

all right? I'm tormented.

And every day at school

is like I'm being suffocated.

And sure, we can sit

and fantasize all we want...

...about how things

are gonna be different one day...

...but this is today and it sucks.

There's only one way around it.

You were smart enough to think of it.

So please, just help me.

Because I can't take another day

of this. I don't know what I'll do.

I don't do anything half-assed.

All right?

It'll have to be a public event.

Melody Bostic is throwing

a party tomorrow night.

All of your tormentors will be there.

You and I are going together. All right?

You have to do everything I say and

tell everyone that I am sensational.

- Thank you so much for doing this.

- Just...

...you know, make sure you're ready

to live with the consequences.

- What the hell is a lemon squeeze?

- It's like a backwards melon bag.

How don't I know any of this?

The next night was the party

at Melody Bostic's house.

She is the most popular girl

in school.

It's partly because she's pretty

and has perfect hair...

... but mostly because her parents

let her have these parties...

... every time she catches them

doing it in the pool...

... which is every week, apparently.

Brandon and I showed up

when it was in full swing.

I borrowed a dress from my mom,

Brandon borrowed a jacket from me...

... and we put on a little show.

Hey, Olive and Brandon.

What's up?

I hope you don't mind, but we had

a few pre-cocktail-party cocktails...

...like, before the cocktail party

with cocktails.

Listen, here's the sitch,

Melody Bostic.

Brandon was just in the middle

of telling me this really funny thing...

...which is really funny.

And I was wondering if there's,

like, a room where we could go...

...where he could finish telling me

that thing that's funny...

...if you know what I mean.

You can use my room.

Down the hall to the left.

Cool.

Is that Olive with Brandon?

I know. What the hell, right?

You guys are my buddies.

I'm drunk, b*tches. What's up?

I love your room!

My sheets. Put a towel down.

- Olive's gonna do a gay dude.

- Thanks. Close the shades.

- What are you doing?

- Relax.

Jesus, what is with you gays? Are you

really that repulsed by lady parts?

What do you think I have down there,

a gnome?

So nice. What is that, lavender?

It's pretty.

What are you doing? Can you...?

Can you come here, please?

Jacket off. Come on.

All right. Come on.

Chop-chop. All right.

Now grunt.

Grunt and make it convincing.

I said grunt, not whine. Just grunt.

Moan, you know? Like, sex noises.

God, you are pathetic.

Good. Good.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

- You don't have to be so aggressive.

- You don't like that?

- No, I don't like that.

- You don't like that?

How about that?

- Little better.

- Yeah, you like that.

I like that.

- This guy, he's gay, no?

- I think he's gay.

- Don't stop!

- Keep going.

- Don't stop.

- I'm not gonna stop.

I'm not gonna stop.

Now you try. You try.

I'm gonna turn you around

and take you from the back.

That's not gonna make people

think you're straight.

Never mind that gayness

because I'm a straight guy. Roar!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

- That's awesome! That's perfect!

- Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

Do you smell that?

Do you smell us?

Did he just say it smelled?

Isn't it supposed to smell?

You're not supposed

to comment on it.

- It doesn't really smell that bad.

- Oh, yeah. Yes, God!

- Don't stop. Yeah!

- Don't stop. It's too much fun.

- You ready for the grand finale?

- Yeah. What?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

Go forth, my son.

You're a man now.

Hey.

Thank you.

Seriously, thanks.

- Here.

- What is this?

Evidence.

What's up?

Hey, man.

How was she?

Well, well, let's just say

I'll be walking funny tomorrow.

What?

- I'm drunk. What's up, b*tches?

- Yeah!

- Whoa, hey.

- Todd, hi.

I thought you were at

your cousin's rehearsal dinner.

It was a quick rehearsal.

I only had one line.

That was a joke.

I know.

Yeah, sorry. How's it going?

You know, I'm...

- I'm here.

- Can I get you a beer?

That rhymed. I liked it.

Yeah.

- I'm gonna go.

- You sure?

- Yeah. Bye.

- See you at the salt mines.

Maybe this is gonna sound stupid...

...and, believe me, it's not like

I was expecting, you know, fireworks...

...or a string quartet or anything...

...but I always thought pretending

to lose my virginity...

...would be a little more...

...I don't know, special?

Judy Blume should've

prepared me for that.

That is so beautiful.

Never had one lesson.

That boy from yesterday

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