Easy A Page #5

---

just dropped this off for you.

Well, put it in the pile of gifts

from my other suitors.

- Thanks.

- He seems like a nice kid.

He seemed a little incredibly gay.

A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual,

that boy is.

I just want you to know

your father and I are totally supportive.

We love you no matter

what the sexual orientation...

...of your opposite-sex sex partner.

We're not dating, Mom.

And don't worry about

not making us grandparents...

...although we were kind of hoping

you'd get knocked up...

...so we'd have a second shot

at raising kids.

Really do it right this time.

- Bye now.

- I dated a homosexual once.

For a long time, actually.

A long time.

Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you did

not marry and have children with him.

No.

No, no, no.

Your father is as straight

as they come.

A little too straight,

if you know what I mean.

I don't. Can you shut the door, please?

Okay, door's right over there.

Keep going.

- Take it down.

- Go take that out to Dad. Nice.

"Just in case you don't shop at Target.

Then you can go screw yourself.

Brandon."

Hi, Rhi.

Is it true you got with Brandon

at Melody Dipshit's party?

Is that what people

are saying happened?

That's what everyone

is saying happened.

Well, then I guess that...

I guess that's true.

Just because you lost your virginity

doesn't mean you can go...

...throwing your cat at everybody.

- I'm not throwing my cat at everybody.

I had to hear from Jackie Rudetsky.

Do you know

how embarrassing that is?

Finding out you slept with some

gay dude from Jackie Rudetsky?

Must've been embarrassing.

Why didn't you tell me

you were going?

I would've come with

and held your hair.

Are you really making this

about you right now?

- You're starting to get a reputation.

- You're coming off as a little pious.

You're pissing me off

more than usual.

I think it's a best friend's duty...

...to let her know that everyone, and

I do mean everyone, is calling her...

...a dirty skank.

Well, do you think I'm a dirty skank?

You know, I didn't wanna believe it,

but I guess it's true.

That is your identifier.

And you're a jealous virgin.

So...

People thought I was a dirty skank?

Fine, I'd be the dirtiest skank

they'd ever seen.

Sh*t.

Is everything all right? It sounds like

you're having sex in here...

...which can't be true, due to the fact

that you have a homosexual boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Hey, no judgment.

All God's children. It's fine.

I was gay once for a while.

No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.

Dad, can you just

shut the door, please?

You all right, buddy?

Yeah.

Give them hell.

- Hey, Anson.

- Hey.

I just realized the funniest thing.

My name is an anagram for "I love."

What's a...? What's an anagram?

Look it up, big boy.

What's your problem?

You wanna know

what my problem is?

No. That was a rhetorical question.

I don't wanna know anything from you.

We are not friends anymore.

We are officially over.

Oh, rats.

I want my Juicy sweatshirt back. It was

too loose around your chest anyway.

Burn.

- Stop.

- What?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Don't forget, tomorrow's Earth Day.

Guys, we have a problem:

Olive Penderghast.

- We need to pray for her.

- Amen.

But we also need to

get her the hell out of here.

Amen.

You heard what happened

at Melody Bostic's.

- I was there. I heard the whole thing.

- That's not something...

...you need to advertise, Kurt.

- Sorry. But I was.

I tried to witness to her, but this girl

is defiant to any type of help.

Anybody here think they can

talk to her, get her to see...

...what she's doing is wrong?

- It's okay.

- I'm sorry, you guys. This is so stupid.

No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.

- It's real.

- Yeah, it is.

Jesus tells us to love everyone.

I mean, even the whores and

the homosexuals, but it's just so hard.

It's so hard because they keep

doing it over and over again.

Make me a promise.

Make God a promise,

right here and right now...

...that we will remain

pure and chaste until marriage.

We promise.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

I love you guys. God loves you guys.

Now, let's change lives today.

- Micah?

- Let's do it.

I didn't know what they

were so upset about.

I put an A on my wardrobe

just like they asked.

Maybe it was because I was wearing

clothes that were two sizes too small.

Hey, Olive!

You left your glass slipper

at the party the other night.

Yeah, and I got pumpkin

all over my dress too.

Nice. Solid joke.

It sucks because we could've

revisited Melody's bedroom.

Oh, my God,

that was Melody Bostic's house.

- Yeah.

- I can't believe you remember that.

Well, yeah, come on. Who doesn't

remember their first almost-kiss?

Hey, Olive.

Evan. Hey, what's rocking?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, what's up?

Don't get mad, but Brandon told me

what you did for him.

Oh, well, rest assured,

it was equally as thrilling for me.

No, he told me the truth.

I was just hoping

you could do the same for me?

Goodbye, Evan.

Wait, wait. I can pay you.

I am about six seconds away

from slapping you so hard...

...your teeth will bleed.

- Can you do it in front of everyone?

I don't need your permission,

you know.

What?

I mean, at the rate you're going...

...I don't see how people

won't believe it.

- Are you threatening me?

- I'll give you 100 bucks.

You are repugnant.

That's the problem.

Never mind.

I'm sorry I asked.

I knew it wouldn't work.

I'm just a fat piece of sh*t.

When will high school end already?

Sh*t.

I want a $100 gift card deposited

into my locker by noon tomorrow.

Preferably to the Gap, but I will

also take Amazon.com or OfficeMax.

Actually, make it OfficeMax.

I have my eye on a label maker.

We did not have sex, okay?

I let you fondle my chest,

and it was a glorious moment for you...

...unmatched by anything

you've experienced, including cake.

Got it?

Wait a minute.

A hundred bucks for second base?

- Yeah.

- Doesn't that seem a little steep?

Can we throw in, like, some

butt action or some pants rubbing?

- What are you, 9?

- Whatever. Are you in?

- Whatever.

- Deal, then.

Thanks, Olive.

You know, the sad thing is, Evan...

...if you'd been a gentleman

and maybe asked me on a date...

...I might've said yes.

Really?

Do you wanna go out with me?

Not now I don't, sh*t-dick.

It should come as no surprise that the

rumor I was soliciting sex for money...

... spread around the school

faster than...

Well, faster than the first rumor

about me spread.

Guys, come over here.

She'll do stuff for money.

Around the world...

But for people who knew the truth,

I was open for business.

And whether I liked it or not,

I had a lot of customers.

Phil Lord gave me

100 bucks from Best Buy...

... so he could tell people

we hooked up behind the library.

I got $50 from T.J. Maxx

so that Eric Ling could say...

... we got it on during Chemistry.

Ninety dollars from Panda Express

so Ryan Dukes could tell people...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes