Easy A Page #6

---

... I showed him mine,

but he did not show me his.

Chris Miller,

big spender that he is...

... gave me $40 worth of movie passes

for my pretend cowbell.

They had an expiration date

and were only good...

... at the stupid foreign movie theater.

Hi. One for

Der Scharlachrote Buchstabe.

But even that is better

than Sanjay Chandrasekhar.

Seriously? A coupon? Twenty percent

off to Bath & Body Works?

Is that how much our imaginary tryst

meant to you?

I fake rocked your world.

- It's all I can afford.

- How's that my problem, amigo?

I knew he wasn't Latino,

but for some reason all these shady...

... backdoor deals

had me talking like Carlito.

- Beat it, ese.

- Okay.

Whatever happened to chivalry?

Does it only exist in '80s movies?

I want John Cusack holding

a boombox outside my window.

I wanna ride off on a lawn mower

with Patrick Dempsey.

I want Jake from Sixteen Candles

waiting outside the church for me.

I want Judd Nelson

thrusting his fist into the air...

... because he knows he got me.

Just once, I want my life

to be like an '80s movie.

Preferably one with a really awesome

musical number...

... for no apparent reason.

But, no. No.

John Hughes did not direct my life.

So instead of all that...

...I get to save 15 cents...

...on a bottle of Juniper Breeze

Antibacterial Gel.

So if you're still with me,

and I'm hoping that most of you are...

...this brings us to part four.

How I, Olive Penderghast,

went from assumed trollop...

...to an actual home-wrecker.

- You wanted to see me?

- I did. Why don't you come in here?

What's going on?

- I'm accessorizing.

- Really?

I think you're taking your reading

assignment a little bit too seriously.

Well, I was really hoping

to get an A. Get it?

I'm hearing some rumors.

Well, those are true. I am considering

becoming an existentialist.

- You know what I'm talking about.

- Jeez.

When did teachers become

privy to idle adolescent gossip?

That would be when everyone

is putting everything up on Facebook.

I don't know what

your generation's fascination is...

...with documenting

your every thought...

...but I can assure you

they're not all diamonds.

"Roman is having an okay day...

...and bought a Coke Zero

at the gas station.

Raise the roof."

Who gives a rat's ass?

He got a Coke Zero again?

That Roman. Incorrigible.

Listen, whatever this little act is about,

I just... I'm curious.

I really think you should consider

giving me extra credit...

...for going the extra mile.

I'm really attempting to understand

this puritanical ostracism...

...Hawthorne wrote about.

- You are one of the few that read it.

If I read one more paper

from one of your classmates...

...who talks about how hot she is in

the bathtub, her fake British accent...

...or, is she still married to

Ashton Kutcher, I'm gonna kill myself.

Why don't people just watch

the original movie like I did?

I know you read the book.

I did.

Listen, I want to apologize for

sending you to the principal's office.

Truthfully, and I'll deny it

if you say anything...

...I wanted to be cheering

with the rest of the students.

I don't know what it is about Nina.

I hate her.

I won't tell.

- I'll deny it if you do.

- Okay.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

Stay golden.

- Hi, Mrs. Griffith.

- Hi, you. How are you?

A is for "awesome."

Yeah.

I've never seen that girl before.

That does not surprise me.

But I'm the guidance counselor.

I should know all the students.

Especially the ones

who dress like prostitutes.

- It's good to see you.

- Hey. How are you? Good.

No, stop. We're at school.

There are rules.

- Windows.

- Yeah, yeah.

Do me a favor, though.

Just talk to her.

I think she's going through a phase.

That's not the girl

everyone's talking about, is it?

It is.

Oh, okay. Oh, this'll be good.

All right.

That snotty, Jesus-freak

office aide I have...

...has been bitching

about her incessantly.

They're all lies, but she could use

somebody to talk to anyway.

All right. Hey, what are you doing

for dinner tonight?

- You won't be there?

- Sorry.

I have an after-school session.

Kid brought a knife to school.

Well, be careful, all right?

It was a butter knife.

But you know what they say.

You know, it's a gateway knife, so...

- All right, bye.

- Yeah. Bye.

I'm thinking about another gateway.

It's a...

Making spaghetti.

- That's great.

- With meat.

Enjoy eating your meat.

- And balls.

- Enjoy eating your balls.

Sharpening your pencils?

Getting them nice and sharp?

Sharpening them up? Look at you.

Look at you. So sharp.

Sharpening those pencils.

Sharp, sharp, sharp.

- God, that's sharp. L...

- Hey, Olive. You ready to come in?

Good job.

Well, the reason I called you in

was just so we could...

...sort of, you know, just chat

about what's going on.

You know, there is concern

from a few faculty members.

Your husband.

Olive, you're attempting

to make a statement.

I'm just a little confused

as to what exactly that is.

Am I in trouble?

Because, pursuant

to the student code of conduct...

...my hemline has never been

higher than my fingertips.

No, you're not in trouble.

I wanted to make sure you knew...

...if there's something

that you wanna talk about...

...you know, you can trust me.

If I open up to you, do you promise

this stays in confidence?

Yeah. I'm... See?

I'm the guidance counselor.

That's what I do.

I mean, I have a reputation to uphold.

Don't you, though?

All right, listen, don't tell anyone

I'm doing this, please.

Here you go.

- Here you go.

- I really don't need those.

Oh, you really do. Here you go.

Here you go. Okay?

I just don't want this thing you're

going through to define your life.

Olive, do what you gotta do. Okay?

Let your freak flag fly. Just make sure

you have an exit strategy.

Listen, Mrs. Griffith, I really...

I don't need these.

The pill is not 100 percent effective.

Ask some of your friends' parents.

Thank you for coming in.

Can you just send in the next person?

Thank you.

You're up, hoss.

Okay. Go. It's all right.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Don't you think it's a little strange

that your boyfriend is 22 years old...

...and still in high school?

- Not that it's any of your business...

...but he is here by choice.

It's his choice he's a fourth-year senior

that can't pass any test he takes?

His choice. His? His?

Capital H?

If God wanted him to graduate, God

would've given him the right answers.

I'm sorry.

You gotta be shitting me, woman.

Okay. So why was he blubbering

like a baby?

- Is he struggling with his sexuality?

- No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch.

His parents are

going through a divorce.

Okay.

You know,

sometimes our boyfriend's parents...

...they get divorced, you know?

And it's important to remember

it's not your fault.

So I gotta go.

But they go to our church.

What will people say?

How long do these embraces usually

last? Because I gotta go, but l...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes