Easy A Page #7

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- Are you gonna be okay?

- Yes, I'm gonna be okay.

Mrs. Griffith is amazing...

...and she's gonna help Micah,

and everything's gonna be okay.

See? All right, that's the spirit.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Okay.

Wait. Why are you even

being so nice to me?

I did it.

I got through to you.

I'm so sorry about everything I said.

I am so, so sorry.

I mean, I really want us to be friends.

Can we please be friends?

Absolutely.

And for a day,

we were actually really good friends.

I was kind of starting to think

things were gonna turn around.

Olive!

- Friend.

- Hey, friend.

- I missed you.

- Oh, I missed you more.

She texted me in first period.

By second period,

we apparently had private jokes.

Olive. Olive.

Tragedy struck in Wood Shop.

It wasn't because

someone sawed off a thumb...

... which has happened.

Micah is in the hospital.

He is in so much pain.

The nurse didn't know

what was wrong.

There, there.

It hurts so bad, Mommy.

Well, it's just what I thought.

Chlamydia.

No.

Who have you been screwing?

Tell me.

Tell me now

or I will kill you right here.

Olive. Olive Penderghast!

Olive. Olive Penderghast.

I have to call you back.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Goddamn it.

Chlamydia?!

That b*tch!

- Olive?

- Hey.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Goddamn it.

I panicked.

I said I got it

from Olive Penderghast.

I know, but what was

I supposed to say?

You know, and then my mom

tells Marianne's mom.

I did. I tried to blame it

on their divorce...

...but my mom is not buying it.

That's it. I have to tell them.

No, I do not care that you

gave me chlamydia. I don't!

I love you and I want to be with you,

and nobody can stop us.

Not my mother, not Marianne,

and not even the school board...

...or the president of the Americas!

Oh, God.

What? What do you want?

What do you want?

Just go.

Perfect. Just perfect.

I'm sorry, I just...

I was looking for Marianne.

Did she say anything

about being mad at me?

She just smacked

the bejesus out of me.

No, that's my fault.

I'm so sorry, Olive. I'm sorry.

But I messed up, okay?

I just goddamn sh*t...

...goddamn messed up

really goddamn sh*t bad.

Goddamn. Sh*t, goddamn.

Okay. Don't get me wrong

because I love it...

...but I don't think you're supposed to

use that language in front of a student.

You know what else you're not

supposed to do, is sleep with them.

But that didn't stop me. Goddamn sh*t.

Wait. You... Oh, my God.

But I'm not... I'm not judging

you or anything, but, oh, my God.

L... Wait, what does that

have to do with me?

You should know

that my marriage is not great.

We haven't slept together

in months.

In months, all right?

Finally, this great-looking guy comes

in and he's nice to me, you know?

And he's not a minor.

This is legal. It's legal

because he's been here forever, okay?

He's not the sharpest

Christian in the Bible, all right?

And then he finds out

that he has chlamydia.

And so then he's telling

everybody that it was you.

He didn't want me

to lose my job...

...and he doesn't wanna get in trouble

either, so he said it's you.

I'm sorry.

But I'Il... I'm gonna fix it, Olive.

Okay? I'll tell everyone.

I'm gonna tell everyone that it's me.

Okay? I'll just... I'll lose my job.

And, you know, whatever else I lose,

and then that's okay.

Maybe it was becoming a habit

of mine to help the downtrodden...

... or maybe I just couldn't stand

to see...

... my favorite teacher's

marriage crumble.

Either way, I decided to help.

I could have chlamydia.

I mean, I could have easily given it

to Micah.

I mean, who knows?

Women oftentimes

don't show symptoms.

And the whole world knows

I've been whoring around.

No, you haven't. No, you haven't.

Because a real whore can't admit it

to herself, much less others. Trust me.

Call Micah.

Tell him he is an ass and

he owes me so big for this, but also...

...tell him I confessed

to giving him chlamydia.

Getting a lot of hugs today.

- You're going to hell, Olive!

- Get out of here!

I guess I shouldn't be too shocked

these people...

... wanted my diseased ass

out of there.

Save yourself, Olive.

The funny thing is, the whole time

this all was going down...

... I couldn't help but think

I could've come up with better signs.

Although you gotta love

the Quiznos guy.

That's the one thing

that trumps religion: Capitalism.

Why are you doing this?

I'm trying to make this school

a better place.

Start a petition to get rid

of the lead paint.

New Honey Chicken at Quiznos.

- Not now, Quiznos.

- You're a slut.

You're going down, Olive.

If this is because I'm more popular

than you, then I think what you're...

Let's not mistake popularity

for infamy.

- You don't wanna burn, do you?

- I'll be praying for you.

Sorry.

- You okay?

- Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.

Screw all these people, Olive.

Haven't you heard?

I already did.

- You're going to hell, Olive!

- What you're doing is wrong.

You're going to hell!

So they got Rhiannon.

Never underestimate the power

of extremists like Marianne.

They sense any weakness,

they pounce like jungle cats.

And the whack pack

just gets bigger and bigger.

But at least they have a pack.

I was used to being by myself,

but I had never felt more alone.

I thought I should look into what they

were running around thumping about.

- Do you have a religion section?

- It's over there.

- Can I help you with something?

- The Bible.

That's in bestsellers,

right next to Twilight.

I didn't have time

to read the whole thing...

... because it's, like, 600 pages.

Single-spaced.

And as every war

that's ever been fought can tell you...

... there are many ways

you can interpret it.

Except the Civil War.

That was pure racism.

So I went to find an expert.

But really, I just kind of

wanted someone to talk to.

Forgive me, Father,

for I have sinned.

I think that's how you

start these things.

I'm just going off

what I've seen in movies.

Where do I even start?

I've been pretending to be...

What is the Catholic way

of phrasing this?

A harlot?

A harlot. It's not that

I've actually been doing...

...the things that people have

been saying I've been doing...

...but then again,

I'm not denying them either.

So I was just wondering,

is that wrong?

It's just that a lot of people

have been asking me to do things...

...and I thought it was okay

because it wasn't real, you know?

It was make-believe.

And no one was getting hurt...

...but a lot of people hate me now.

I kind of hate me too.

I might be wrong...

...but aren't you

supposed to say something?

Tell me to say 10 Hail Marys,

pay a fine...

...advance token to nearest railroad?

Hello?

Should've seen that one coming.

Luckily, I live in a town

with many different places of worship.

So I went to find one

with a real live human being.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I was just wondering

if there's a minister around.

Is it not a minister?

A Reverend? A wizard?

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