Easy A Page #8

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It's a pastor, and he's here.

How can I help you today?

I was wondering what your church's

stance on lying and adultery was.

It's not a good thing.

Oh, I agree, wholeheartedly.

But, then... Now, tell me this.

Assuming there is a hell...

Oh, the Christian Church recognizes

the existence of hell.

Okay, so we'II just say

there's a "hell."

There is. Just so we're clear.

- Okay. So for argument's sake...

- No, there's no argument. It's there.

Right below our feet,

right above the Orient. It's there.

Then what would be worse,

lying or adultery?

Or is lying about adultery

just like double whammy? Sorry.

Come on.

I'm sorry,

what did you say your name was?

I didn't. L... You know what?

I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna go check out

Judaism because...

- God. Two frames, really?

- Sorry.

The Jews and I have a lot in common.

- Just fashion-wise and stuff.

- Off you go.

Yes, I had unwittingly sought advice

from the father...

... of the leader of my lynch mob.

What other complete and total idiot

can say that's happened to them?

Okay, I've narrowed it down

to The Other Boleyn Girl...

...or The Bucket List. Huge hit.

Why can't we watch a movie for kids?

You always get to pick.

Because the Family Member

of the Week gets to pick the movie.

Yeah, but you get Family Member

of the Week every week.

And there's a reason for that.

Yeah. You pick

Family Member of the Week.

Are you accusing me of nepotism?

Okay, it's The Bucket List.

This is it. This is the greatest decision.

I'm so happy with this decision.

That's what it's going to be.

All right, now, honey, after we watch

The Bucket List...

...remember to cross "Watch

The Bucket List" off our bucket list.

Guys.

I want you to know that if you hear

I have chlamydia, that is totally false.

Olive, do we need

to have the talk again?

No. It's just a thing

that's going around.

You know, nothing you're saying

is making me feel any better.

Not to mention how you've been

dressing the last few days.

No judgment,

but you look like a stripper.

- Mom.

- A high-end stripper.

For governors or athletes.

But stripper, nonetheless.

Oh, my God.

I'm just trying to mix it up a little.

And I have no STDs, I promise you.

Oh, that's great.

Daughter of the Year.

If you hear anything

to the contrary...

...come up with some funny retort

and walk away.

Honey, you're kind of

starting to worry us a little.

Should we be kind of

worried a little?

I don't think so.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

Yeah. I got it all under control.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Then let's Bucket List this b*tch.

The Bucket List, The Bucket List.

To say this whole thing

had taken over my life...

...would be

a colossal understatement.

I actually reread The Scarlet Letter

to see how Hester dealt with it.

And it turns out she bore

her punishment in humble silence...

...which are two concepts

I am not comfortable with.

With all the mythical play

I was getting...

... I still actually hadn't been

asked out on a real date.

People were jumping up and down

to say they'd slept with me...

... but no one bothered

really trying to sleep with me.

I was starting to think I actually did

have a gnome down there.

- Until finally...

- Hey, Olive.

Hey, Anson. What's up?

I was wondering

if you were busy tonight.

Maybe wanna go out or something?

What did you have in mind?

I was thinking about getting

a hot-air balloon, you know...

...bringing along some champagne...

...and then possibly reading

some Sylvia Plath.

Or we could just go

to The Lobster Shack...

...because it's, you know,

a little easier.

- I love The Lobster Shack.

- Good.

Okay. It's a date, then.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So should I still bring

the Sylvia Plath or?

No, we could stick our heads

in the oven...

...if we run out of things

to talk about.

That was...

- Cool. All right. Well...

- Cool.

You look really beautiful.

Thank you.

- You're a real gentleman.

- No.

Just a guy having dinner with a girl.

Do you believe this whole thing

about lobster being an aphrodisiac?

I did not know it was.

Medical science really

has not substantiated claims...

...that any particular food increases

sexual desire or performance...

...but guys just spend and spend

to ply women with food...

...they think is gonna get them lucky.

Which is funny, because, it's like...

...what is sexy about

slurping back oysters? Nothing.

Did you know some people actually

eat ground-up rhinoceros horn...

...because it's thought to increase

the size of the male sex organ?

That's not true at all.

Spanish fly. Spanish fly.

You've heard of this? Yes?

- Yes.

- Okay. That thing?

Pulverized blister beetle. What?

And it's illegal in the U.S. Because

if you eat just a little bit too much...

...it causes painful urination,

fever and bloody discharge.

- Am I talking too much?

- No.

You're just burning through

a lot of topics really fast.

Shouldn't have had coffee

three weeks ago.

I'm just kidding.

Your Maine lobster

with crab and seafood stuffing.

- I'm jealous.

- Thank you.

Let's dig in. Right?

I didn't know Woodchuck Todd

worked here.

He's dressed like a lobster.

I should start calling him

Lobster Todd.

Sh*t.

- Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

- What? What's wrong?

- Rhiannon's over there.

- So?

She's been in love with you

since 1 st grade.

- She's my best friend.

- I thought you weren't speaking.

But that doesn't mean

she's not my best friend.

Or that I should be out with you.

Rhi and I don't have

anything in common.

- And you and I do?

- Yeah.

- Like what?

- Like I hate Marianne Bryant too.

If that's our connection,

I should date the entire school.

Haven't you?

No. No, I haven't.

Okay, she can't see us.

Check. Check.

Can you just...? Excuse me? Hi.

I just remembered

I am so allergic to shellfish.

I forget that my respiratory system

will collapse.

- I have a gift certificate. Keep the tip.

- Thanks.

I'm sorry, but we have to go.

- Go. Go. Come on. Come on.

- Okay.

Go, go, go.

I'm sorry about that.

I've got something for you.

Two hundred dollars

to The Home Depot.

I didn't realize this was a...

I know it sounds kind of lame, but they

really do have some awesome stuff.

I bought my air compressor there.

So, what did we do on this date?

Whatever 200 bucks gets me.

- That's not really how it works.

- It's okay.

Stop.

I'm not really having sex with people

for money.

I'm saying I'm having sex for money,

but I'm not having sex for money.

It's okay. It's all right. Come on.

- Stop. No, no.

- What?

Stop!

Come on, just relax. Come on, babe.

It's all right.

God. A**hole.

What are you doing? I paid you.

Now you didn't.

Come on, this is bullshit.

Goddamn it.

Hey, Olive.

Todd, hi.

- Hey, you all right?

- I just have something in my eye.

Like a twig, you know, or a branch,

or a contact, or something.

- I didn't know you wore contacts.

- I don't, which is why I was tearing up.

Olive, hey. Let me drive you home.

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