Easy A Page #9

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Do you wanna talk about it?

What's to say?

Everybody thinks I'm a whore...

...and for the first time,

I'm starting to believe it.

What?

Don't act like you don't know

what people are saying about me.

I know what people are saying.

Doesn't mean I believe them.

- Who told you?

- No one.

No one had to tell me that once upon

a time, there was a scared kid...

...at a party in a dark room

who was not ready for his first kiss.

And, you know, there was

this amazing girl who lied for him.

I still can't believe

you remember that.

You know, sometimes I pretend

you were my first real kiss.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Who was?

- It was Rhiannon.

- What?

- She must have told you.

Yeah, it was... I think it was, like,

a year after that or something.

It sucked, by the way.

She was, like:

That b*tch.

Oh, my God,

she knew how I felt about you.

- How do you feel about me?

- And here I am feeling so bad.

That's just perfect.

Wait, hold on a second.

How do you feel about me?

"Felt."

I said "felt."

Because I thought l...

I thought I heard "feel."

- No, it was "felt."

- All right.

How do you know where I live?

We used to carpool.

Yeah, in 2nd grade. What, are you

like a savant for people's addresses?

Just for people who I think are cool.

- You think I'm cool?

- I do.

And I think you're pretty and smart.

Did you form this opinion

prior to my little transformation?

Way prior.

Why didn't that rumor spread?

I like to keep my business to myself.

Notoriety, for whatever reason...

...never seems to benefit the noted,

it's only the "notees."

Where were you two weeks ago?

Olive.

If I promise not to tell anyone,

could I kiss you right now?

No.

- Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

- Oh, no.

I just mean, not like this.

I don't wanna kiss you with mascara

running down my face...

...and some horndog guy

just having tried...

...to stick his tongue

down my throat.

I've wanted to kiss you

since 8th grade...

...but I want it to be perfect.

And right now, my life is a mess.

I need to get my business in order

before I drag you into it.

What if I told you

I wanna be dragged into it?

I could help, maybe.

Why now?

Why are you all of a sudden

into me now?

I don't know.

I haven't overanalyzed it,

like you're about to.

- Good night, Olive.

- Good night, Lobster Todd.

Now that I knew there were decent

and goodhearted people out there...

... the lies had to stop.

I knew there was only one person I

could count on to set the story straight:

Brandon.

I'd helped him, and even though

it would destroy his new reputation...

... as a straight stud,

I knew he'd help me.

Oh, my God. Did you hear that

Brandon ran away from home?

Yeah, totally. He left his parents

a note that said, "I'm gay, b*tches"...

...and then he skipped town

with some big, hulking black guy.

My apologies to Mark Twain.

- Wait, huh?

- What?

- You said something.

- You said something.

You said something,

so I came back.

- You're funny. Okay.

- Call me.

I went to everyone I'd helped

and begged them to say it wasn't true.

No way. I gave you money.

You gave me a gift card to AutoZone.

I don't even have a car.

I thought it'd be aspirational.

Evan, please do this for me, all right?

I did that for you. Do this for me.

I don't want people to know

I didn't go to second base with you.

Do you know how many girls

I've hooked up with because of that?

Girls are almost as dumb as boys.

Oh, yes, they are.

It gets worse.

"Honor your father

and your mother."

Due to his condition, Micah was sent

on a visit to his grandparents...

... in Palatka, Florida.

And if there's one thing worse

than chlamydia, it's Florida.

"...be guilty of adultery."

Get your hands

out of your berries, boy.

Olive, life is full of choices.

I made a bad one.

But then, so did you.

But I see no other alternative

than to just live with the guilt.

My guilt stems from my indiscretion

and yours for lying.

We made our choices.

Now, we just have to let it ride.

Or I could just tell everyone the truth

and get you fired and put in jail.

Okay, first of all, he is of age, okay?

It's perfectly legal

in the state of California.

I checked. He is 21 in eight months.

And secondly, let's play the Who

Would You Believe game, okay?

Why don't you ask yourself, if you

were an adult, who would you believe?

Who would you believe?

Who would you believe?

Who would you believe? Who?

Thank you for coming in.

Yeah, Mrs. Griffith was pure evil, but

I still shouldn't have done what I did.

Your wife has chlamydia,

and she's sleeping with a student...

...and she gave it to him,

and she's trying to blame me.

What?

I'm sorry.

Mr. Griffith, if you ever see this...

...just know that I was wrong

to tell you that in that way. At all.

I shouldn't have done it.

And I don't even feel bad

for lying for your wife.

But I hate myself for telling you

the truth. I am so sorry.

With my words, even though

they were true, I ended a marriage.

Looking back, that's the thing

I regret the most.

So now everyone that knows the truth

is either gone or they won't fess up.

And Marianne Bryant and her

disciples are demanding my head.

The messed-up thing is I would not put

it past Principal Gibbons to expel me.

I had a similar situation

when I was your age.

What? Everyone called you a slut?

I had a horrible reputation and

people said awful things about me.

- Why?

- Because I was a slut.

I slept with a whole bunch of people.

A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.

- Mom.

- Sorry, I got around.

Before I met Dad,

I had incredibly low self-worth.

Do me a favor and just stuff this down

my throat until I asphyxiate to death.

- It's true. It is.

- I want to die.

It's true.

I was quite the contortionist.

I could do this thing. I could go...

I mean, my leg all the way...

Stop. Can you stop?

Don't show me.

- Can you not see that I'm a mess?

- No, you're not, Olive.

You're wonderful.

And you'll handle this

the same way I did.

With an incontrovertible

sense of humor.

But you're much smarter than I am...

...so you'll come out of this

much better than I did.

Thank you, Mom.

- I could get my leg so far back.

- No, no, no. Stop it.

So it was time to put an end

to all this once and for all...

... by telling my side of the story.

And that's why I decided

to do this webcast.

So here we go.

Part five.

Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.

Today we had yet another

one of our ridiculous pep rallies.

Todd convinced the band to play

the sexiest song in their repertoire.

I needed to pique everyone's interest

to get them to go home and log on.

I had one outfit left and I figured

about 30 seconds to do it.

Plus I really wanted

my own awesome musical number...

... for no apparent reason.

Is that Olive?

This was just a free preview.

For the main event, log on to

And I know it interferes with

the basketball game but, come on...

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