Easy Virtue Page #2

Reduce this to the burlesque.

- She looks so expensive!

Very.

- Hmm. I like her.

Yes, Jim. We all know what you like.

Mother!

Oh, we have all been sent

to our "wombs".

And so toasty.

- Economics in action.

She keeps half the house closed

to save on heating.

That explains the frosty reception.

Well, darling. Let me warm you up.

Well?

- She's lovely, I'm very proud of you.

Thanks, Father.

John? How long is a few days?

Mother, Larita and I would like

to find a home in London.

But this is your home.

- A home of their own.

But Panda, we need you here.

Since you went off around the Riviera,

we've had to let go of six more people.

If you'd just listened to me

and taken on some machinery.

Wouldn't that be a good idea? I could

run the entire estate single-handedly.

Congratulations on your insight

and your spontaneity.

Sarah and Philip are coming to dinner

tonight, and I have got a table plan

that will take the League

of Nations to unravel.

Tonight? That's absolutely splendid!

- Don't be so fickle in your affections.

Sarah might not be

as accommodating as you expect.

Codswallop. She'll be delighted.

If mother was so desperate for her hand

in marriage, she should've asked herself!

Strange as it may seem,

I agree with your sister.

I think you're wrong.

On certain things, yes. Call her.

Really?

- Really.

Really! If Edgar were here,

he'd do the manly thing.

What? Run away?

Here they come!

And the chequered flag goes to...

Fast work, John!

I should've written, but it happened

so fast, I didn't know where I was.

In Larita's arms, it seems.

Please don't be disappointed.

- Of course I'm disappointed.

But tell me you're happy,

and I'll tell you you're forgiven.

# You're the top,

you're Mahatma Gandhi! #

Panda, don't break out

the brandy just yet.

The hell we're not.

Have I missed something?

- Let sleeping cows stand.

Oh, you plonker!

Rule one, push sleeping cow.

Rule two, get out of the way.

Rule three, remember rule two.

Sarah!

It's so lovely to see you.

I hear your poor father

is not having a good day.

I'm afraid not. He sends his love.

You are a jolly good sport,

turning up like this, that's all I can say.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Larita is such a pretty name.

Yes. Excellent for musical comedy.

Hilda!

I hear the cow's in a terrible way.

- I've sent flowers.

And did she eat them?

Touch!

Good evening to you all.

Nobody told me tonight

was fancy dress!

Then why have you come

as the village idiot?

I think I'm snagged.

Let me help you with that.

Holy mother!

Panda? You're forgiven... tenfold.

Sarah Hurst, I'd like to introduce

my wife, Larita Whittaker.

Gosh, I do like the sound of that.

Sarah... finally.

Johnnie talks about you constantly.

- How very annoying for you.

I hope we can be friends.

- We already are. Congratulations.

Er... I'd like to be friends, too.

Larita, my tiresome brother...

- The dishonourable Philip Hurst.

Charmed, my dear lady.

Indeed.

Philip, won't you escort me in?

Of course,

my beautiful, little Sausage Fingers.

That's whet my appetite.

Shall we adjourn to the dining room?

And toast my beautiful bride.

Had we known there was to be

a wedding reception,

we could've lashed out on taffeta!

She's a lot like drowning:

quite pleasant once you stop struggling.

So, John, was Larita's

family able to attend the wedding?

More cabbage, Madam?

There's lots to do, Larita.

You ride, don't you?

Boats, cars or planes?

No, horses, silly.

- Ah, yes, horses.

Faulty steering and unreliable brakes.

I'm stealing that for Stirrup Cup!

Stirrup what?

- Cup.

Every November, Philip and Sarah's

family host the hunt.

Wait until you meet their father,

Lord Hurst, he's terrific.

And Lady Hurst?

- Was terrific, until she... stopped.

Stopped what?

- Living.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.

Between father's polio

and Philip's mania for tipping cows...

Can we please just drop the cows?

I think we'll give the fox a break

this year.

Oh, no hunt? Mrs Winston gave me

her saddle. I've had a wax.

Your father and I conspired to make

John the Master of the Hunt.

People come from far and wide.

It's such a shame to disappoint them.

Very thoughtful, Mother.

You do hunt,

I take it, Larita?

Hypocrites, gossips

or defenceless animals?

Bravo!

You wouldn't get her to the start.

We have another

conscientious objector, Father.

Company! Do you object to the circus

or the slaughter, Major?

I support Sheppard's position

on pacifism.

Good for you.

So, when does the carnage begin?

After the War Widow's Revue,

but before the craft fair,

in between the Dog Show and the shoot.

Don't forget the highlight. Mother's

Christmas dance is the hot ticket.

She's ordered the most exquisite

Japanese lanterns.

From Japan?

- No, Fortnum & Mason's.

Oh, yes.

Prepare for a whirlwind, Larita.

I'm breathless already.

I won't make it to Christmas.

You won't need to.

I won't make it to breakfast!

What were we just eating?

The lumpy grey and beige concoction?

Oh, yes. That's the word

I was looking for..."greige".

Absolutely no idea.

But it is the speciality of the house.

Incoming! Have you met my namesake?

He's very good in bed.

Shh! They'll hear you.

- I don't care.

I do.

I know we need the heat,

but please don't smoke.

Mother's clairvoyant about these things.

She loathes me, Johnnie.

I'm a gold-digger, burrowing in

from the land of opportunists.

Your father's an interesting study,

though.

Quietly sardonic. I like that in a man.

That won't earn you many

brownie points under this roof.

After the Armistice,

Father didn't come straight home.

He caroused around France and Italy,

drinking, having affairs...

A lot of men did similar...

couldn't settle down.

Why didn't she go after him?

- A question of pride.

He finally just wandered home.

Still a bit of a sore point.

We try not to speak about it.

Except in public.

You see, she feels

she's missed out on something.

Which means, of course,

she's missed out on everything.

Exactly. The war robbed her

of all her expectations.

She takes one look

at a woman like you...

The harlot stealing into the nursery...

The delicious concubine...

...with the delectable ears...

...nose...

...neck.

I could just...

...eat you.

After that meal I'm not surprised.

# '... I'm mad about the boy! ' #

Dear Lord, thank you for bringing

John and his floozy home safely.

'Hmm... John! '

Why is Larita always so late?

- You can't hurry perfection.

Edgar was never late for a meal.

- He's missed a few lately.

Good morning.

How are we all on this glorious day?

There she is! Morning, darling.

What would Madam like for breakfast?

I think Madam will get more sustenance

from a kipper.

But it won't be as much fun.

- Aren't you riding with us?

Darling, I think it's about high time

that your mother and I have

an intimate tte--tte.

Just us girls.

- Lovely.

What a frightening thought.

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