Eat Pray Love Page #2

Call it

Carbohydrates and Conjugations.

I'll start looking for a place.

-l'm falling in love with you.

-l'm not who you think I am.

I'm just your fantasy.

No, that's bullshit. You're real.

Your scars, your talent.

The fact that

I own a piece-of-crap bar...

...and you accept that

that's all l'm gonna do.

Okay, this sucks.

-l second that.

-Don't be rude.

I love your pain.

And l love that when we're together,

I can make it go away.

-Oh, he's good.

-You're love...

-He's hot, there's a difference.

-...is like a hot panini.

And when I look into your eyes,

I hear dolphins clapping.

I did not write that line.

Here's what he doesn't know yet.

I disappear into the person l love.

I am the permeable membrane.

If l love you, you can have it all.

My money, my time, my body...

...my dog, my dog's money.

I will assume your debts

and project upon you...

...all sorts of nifty qualities you've

never actually cultivated in yourself.

I will give you all this and more...

...until l am so exhausted

and depleted...

...the only way l can recover...

...is by becoming infatuated

with someone else.

-Elizabeth, hi.

-Hi.

Oh, really?

How you doing?

Cheers.

-Thank you.

-l owe you an apology.

-For the walkouts.

-Well, l'm not everyone's cup of tea.

I doubt that.

I, on the other hand, was sh*t.

-Although l was trying very hard.

-"Sh*t" is a strong word.

Thank you.

You seem shorter in person

than on the stage.

-Really? l hear that a lot.

-Sorry.

It's okay.

It's unnerving when...

...a total stranger sees you

more clearly than you see yourself.

That's what l mean

by saying you're short.

Are you hearing dolphins clapping

right now?

I took a few liberties

with your material.

I give you full permission to make

fun of me. I know you're dying to.

You're far too charming

to make fun of.

I'm still hearing them.

Is that your guru?

You're joking, but, yes, it is.

She's beautiful.

Yeah. A friend told me about her.

I was out of work and feeling

pretty desperate for something.

Not the last time I was out of work,

the time before that.

And l just had this feeling like

I was looking in all the wrong places.

Looking for what?

God.

She has an ashram in India.

I'm dying to go, but...

...you know, you have to get, like,

three stages of hepatitis shots...

...and my insurance always runs out.

I'll go when the time's right.

There's a gathering of her students

every morning.

If you want,

I could take you sometime.

If you're not unnerved by 1 00

crunchy people chanting in Sanskrit.

I need to be unnerved.

David. A yogi from Yonkers.

I didn't exactly fall in love

with the guy.

What happened was

I dove out of my marriage...

...and into David's arms...

...exactly the same way

a cartoon circus performer...

...dives off a high platform

and into a small cup of water...

...vanishing completely.

Your underwear, my queen.

He just folded my delicates.

Oh, my God, baby,

you are in so much trouble.

Thirty-six?

My client is simply not interested

in a divorce.

Is he serious?

Is he really representing himself?

One semester of law school

right here, baby.

Great. Well, what would it take

to interest your client?

Okay, so here's the deal.

You have screwed up my life...

...but what l wanna know

is why couldn't you find yourself...

...in our marriage? Why didn't you

say what you were thinking?

-l did. You never listened to me.

-No. You never said:

"Hey, you know what?

You suck. l'm deeply unhappy."

You just took off. You never gave me

a chance to address those problems.

That's not fair. That's just quitting.

I took vows.

Till death.

And l take them seriously.

I believe this is just a phase

and l'm willing to wait it out.

You are always waiting, Stephen.

Waiting for me to come home,

to wanna have kids...

...to make you dinner.

I don't know why we can't accept...

...we don't wanna live

in unhappiness anymore.

I accept the fact that

I am occasionally unreliable...

...and l often get sidetracked,

but I thought you liked that about me.

I thought it was okay

that I had hopes and dreams.

Have a dream. Stephen, great,

fine. Do that. Just pick one.

Okay, l pick one. I pick you.

I know this is awful.

But l believe with every molecule of

my body that you will find the person...

...that wants just what you want.

That will give you what you want

and what you deserve. l'm not her.

Well, you obviously know nothing

about what l want.

My client would like to submit

a song he wrote...

...that he believes is relevant to these

proceedings. Goes something like this:

Are you kidding?

Quitter, quitter, quitter!

How about l take the blame?

I am the one who couldn't deal...

...with another weekend roaming

some box-shaped superstore...

...buying appliances on credit...

...and pretending to be a couple that

neither one of us ever knew how to be.

You wanted that toaster.

"You like faking it, fine. You're stellar.

I'm the failure. l suck at faking it."

-lt was not my finest hour.

-So where do things stand now?

We're prepared

to offer half of everything...

...and my client's retirement accounts.

Take it all then. Everything.

He still said no.

-He hates me now.

-He doesn't hate you.

His heart is broken.

I think he hates you.

I'm never letting you

out of the basement.

Why don't we talk next week

and we'll see where things stand?

-Okay.

-These things have a way...

...of working themselves out.

So why'd you become a vegetarian?

I saw some cows slaughtered

one time.

Barely touched your dinner.

He's 28.

This is hard for him, isn't it?

And you?

The meditations help.

Liz.

You remember a couple of years ago,

when you threw yourself into...

...the renovation of your kitchen?

You were consumed...

...with being the perfect wife and cook.

I was trying to make it work.

Well, l think chanting and meditation

is the same thing...

...in a different costume.

Definitely give me that documentary.

I've been thinking

about vegetarianism.

My triglycerides

are through the roof.

Yeah. Thanks for everything.

Great to meet you.

-What?

-Nothing. lt's just...

...you know,

you used to look like Stephen.

Now you kind of look like David.

You know?

What l meant was, you know how

people start resembling their dogs?

Why would he say that,

we look like the same dog?

-He was joking.

-Not funny.

Well, he had five Heinekens.

He was bombed.

Well, not funny.

We don't look like the same dog.

If anything, you're a collie

and l'm a Tibetan mastiff.

Don't you wanna give me a chance

to miss you?

It begins when

the object of your affection...

...bestows upon you

a heady hallucinogenic dose...

...of something you've never

even dared to admit you wanted...

...an emotional speedball

of thunderous love and excitement.

Soon you start craving that attention

with the hungry obsession...

...of any junkie.

When it's withheld, you turn sick,

crazy, not to mention resentful...

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