Eating Out: All You Can Eat

- Come, come to me,

mi hijo.

- Tiffani, you are crying.

Why, my darling?

- Oh, Ernesto,

it's just I've been

with so many men.

- Have there been many?

- No.

- It will not matter

if you have been

with millions of men.

- Well,

you're getting warm.

With other men it's just sex.

Random trashy sex

that goes on for days.

But with you,

I will finally make love.

Oh, Ernesto,

I totally love you.

- I want to make

many children.

- Yes, children.

Put children in me now!

F*** me now!

Harder, Ernesto, come on.

Oh, yes, f*** me

like a day laborer.

Yeah, baby,

take me from behind.

Use me, treat me

like a f*** machine.

Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!

- In the butt?

- Yes, in the butt, now.

- Tiffani, we must stop.

- If you stop

I'll rip off your dick

and shove it in there myself.

- Tiffani,

we're in a coffin.

- Shut up,

you're ruining my fantasy.

- Tiffani.

- Sh*t, my speech.

Gracias, Ernesto.

I love funerals.

- Kyle and Mark loved life,

and that's why

we're here today.

My son was so proud

of his homosexuality

that he would want you all

to know exactly how he died.

My son rocketed off

this mortal coil

at 80 miles an hour

down the Ronald Regan freeway

while giving the man he loved

a blowj*b.

According

to the autopsy report,

as Mark began to bust a nut,

Celine Dion's tour bus appeared

going in the wrong direction.

Upon impact,

my boys came together.

And they died together,

doing what they loved.

Amen.

Kyle's best friend,

Tiffani Vanderslut,

has prepared a special tribute.

- I wouldn't call us

best friends exactly.

This number goes out to you,

Kyle and Mark.

Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?

I remember the time

Kyle pretended to be straight

for my ex boyfriend, Troy,

who made him eat my p*ssy.

And then everything went...

Well, maybe that's not

an appropriate memory.

And Mark.

Actually I hardly knew you

but whatever,

thanks for coming.

Here's a little diddy

I learned in Girl Scouts.

I had to look up the lyrics

online.

# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's praying, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's praying, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's praying, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's praying, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's squirming, #

# my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's horny, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Oh yes, my lord! #

# Cum-by-ya. #

Oh, God, it's so hard,

I just need to...

pray.

- Lord,

hear our prayer.

- I'm gonna love

this town.

- It isn't much,

but I can give you

a good deal on the rent.

- It's perfection.

- You haven't seen it.

- It's near my Aunt,

what more could I want?

- Well, it is furnished

and it'll be nice

to have family around.

- Thank you, Aunt Helen.

- I just wish you and Kyle

could've spent

more time together.

Did he know you were a mo?

- Uh...

I didn't know I was a mo

until like a year ago.

- Color me, Britney.

I always thought you were gayer

than a midnight screening

of Showgirls.

- I was

one of those clueless gays.

Everyone knew but me.

- So when did you finally

get your man-cherry popped?

- Aunt Helen!

You don't wanna hear about that.

- Of course I do.

I wouldn't be a good aunt

if I didn't.

- 696? Is that local?

- Well, I gave your number

to that slut

from the funeral, Tiffani.

- Oh, I love her.

- Kyle adored her.

And, well, I thought

you might need some new friends,

even if they are loser whores.

- Hello?

- Casey, Casey.

- Hey, Tiffani.

- How did you know

it was me?

- I remembered

your sultry voice

form the funeral.

- Compliments

will get you nowhere

unless you're straight.

And hung like Mr. T.

- Damn and damn.

- As I thought.

Your aunt tells me

you need a job,

why don't you get

your faggoty ass

down to 4255 Hawthorne Lane.

- You are such a stud.

- I know.

Fuff!

Where have you been

sticking these things?

- Oh!

- Go on,

go get your tramp on.

- Thank you, Aunt Helen.

- I am the coolest adult

in the world.

Oh, Kyle...

My little queen.

- Nail Me, we do nails.

With release!

No, I'm kidding, I mean,

unless you're a really hot guy.

Are you?

Well, I'm sorry you don't find

my brand of humor...

Well, I'm sorry I offended

your Christian sensibility,

but if you worship a guy

who was hung on a cross,

nails should be the last thing

on your mind.

Who needs customer

like her anyway.

- Let me introduce you

to the girls.

Pam, Candy.

- They said they can't wait

to get to know you.

- Cool.

Tell them I feel the same way.

- Basically, you sweep up,

take phone calls

and do whatever we say.

Can you handle that?

- Is Madonna awesome?

- Okay.

Well the job's yours anyway,

but there's one little catch.

You have to come with me

to this event thingy.

- I love event thingies.

- You try too hard.

Come on.

- Right now?

What about work?

- F*** them.

- F*** you, too.

- What are we doing here?

I don't like places like this.

- Me neither,

but they have this fundraiser

where they auction off dates

with shirtless beefcakes.

Nudity and open bar.

- You're taking me to that?!

- No, it's in two weeks.

And you're taking me.

Kyle was going to,

but, you know, he's dead.

So you're going to volunteer

and get us free tickets.

- But I'm so not

a hot shirtless man.

- You're hardly a man,

no one would pay for you,

you'll help out

behind the scenes.

- Why would I do that?

- I gave you that job

and I can replace you

with an immigrant, like that!

- Okay, okay,

it's just that I'm not

into the whole gay scene.

- Welcome

to the whole gay scene.

Are you kids here

to volunteer?

- I'm not but Casey is.

- Fabulous.

Darling, you're shaking

like a little Chihuahua.

Don't be nervous,

I don't bite...much.

- He's never volunteered

before.

- Oh, a virgin.

- If you don't count

anal.

- Well, either way,

fill out this paperwork

and then I'll have Zack,

our volunteer coordinator,

meet with you and figure out

which position

you'd be most comfortable in.

So to speak.

- That's why

I don't like these places.

They're full of these

old horn dogs

looking to get laid.

- Jesus.

Lay off the fox news.

- Really, I always hear

'the gay community' this,

the 'gay community' that.

But all I see are a bunch

of drunk a**holes

looking for sex,

who don't care anything

about relationships.

- Excuse me,

Maria full of grace,

but that doesn't sound

any different

than any straight bar.

Drunk sweaty men.

Drooling, groping,

pressing their manhood

all up against

your supple ass

on the dance floor.

- God, you are gayer

than I am.

- Honey, I'm gayer

than a Kevin Spacey

Anderson Cooper chicken wrap,

and what's wrong with that?

- Nothing, it's just

I'm disappointed

at how sex-centric

the gay community is.

- It's called homosexual,

not homo-hug-ual,

what did you expect?

- Romance?

I want to travel the world

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes