Eating Out: All You Can Eat Page #2

on scooters, adopt children.

- Children

are just abortions that eat.

- You know what?

Forget it, I am not signing

that stupid...

Oh, my f***.

- I see you got

your paperwork.

- Uh, yeah...

just let me sign it.

- Cool.

Jonathan?

- Uh, Casey.

- Oh, I'm Zack.

This is Tandy.

- I'm his best friend.

- That's so funny,

I'm here with my best friend,

Tiffani.

- No, I'm more like

your boss.

- Wow, best friends

with T names.

- Yeah, we should like

form a club.

- Excuse me,

I gotta go take a sh*t.

- I'll come with.

- So you're comfortable

taking off your clothes?

- What?

- Oh, I just assumed

you were volunteering

to be one of the studs

in the male sale.

- I'm clearly not a...

stud.

Are you a...a stud?

I mean in the male sale?

- Yes, I'm in the auction.

But I sorta do

everything around here.

- So, wow, how'd you get

into volunteering?

- I'm running credit

for this faggotry studies class

and it's a good way

to meet people.

- Totally good way.

- Well, they look

like they're getting along.

- I guess we have to pretend

to like each other now.

- Wow, you're really good

at it.

- What are some

of your skills?

- Huh?

- Things you can do

to help with the auction?

Since we can't sell you.

- Well...

what are your skills?

- Brochures, visual stuff,

I'm an art major.

I design all the posters here.

- I can't even

make a smiley on my cellphone.

- Can you write?

- Does texting count?

- Maybe you could write

the copy

for one of the flyers

I'm designing.

We could work on it together.

- I'd love to.

- Can I get your number?

- Really?

- Yeah, you didn't write it

on your form.

- Oh, yeah.

- Do you know

the Blue Dahlia Caf?

- Uh, yeah.

- Let's meet there tomorrow

at 4:
00.

We'll put you to work.

- Okay, well, here's

my number and you can have it

too, if you want to...

- Zack!

Can we leave this dump already?

I can feel the troll

sucking our youth away.

- Lionel.

This is my boyfriend.

- Oh, great.

- Me, you, talk in private.

Now.

- Excuse us.

You didn't have to come

if you're gonna be like this.

- You're the one complaining

we never get to spend

enough time together.

Well, here I am.

- With your friends.

- Hey.

We're letting you

auction us off for this dump.

Be grateful.

Let's get out of here.

- I'm signed up

for another hour.

- I'll f***ing cover for you.

- You don't have to do that.

- Oh, but I want to.

Besides, fleabag here

gives me a rash.

- But I wasn't anywhere

near your p*ssy.

- Get him the f***

out of here.

- Thanks, Tandy.

See you soon, buddy.

- Yeah, sounds....

Like that'll happen.

He's sweet, nice, and hot.

Of course he's taken.

- Nah, he's just

ass-p*ssy whipped.

They won't last long.

"Buddy."

- Don't take it

so personally.

- Why are we together,

we don't like doing

the same things.

- We like doing the same.

- Swallowing doesn't count.

- Swallowing counts.

It's extra credit.

- It's been six months

and I still feel

you're pulling away.

- Because you're always

clinging on to me.

- You won't even

call us boyfriends in public.

- You know you want me

inside you.

- No. I'm mad,

I'm not happy

with how things are going.

- You're good at one thing.

- Lionel.

- You're great at it.

- Please, don't.

I can't believe

I'm doing this.

Please stop.

I don't want to do this.

I don't wanna....

- Oh...

Oh, yeah.

No one does it better

than you.

You can cling on to that

anytime you like,

snuggle bear.

- We're through, get out.

- Can I at least

come first?

- Get out!

- Come on.

Are you ready

to say goodbye to this?

- I'll slam the door on it

if you don't get the f*** out.

- Good luck trying to find

someone as hot as me.

I'm gonna come right here

on your front door.

Yeah, you know you wish

you were sucking this.

- What am I doing?

- Oh yeah.

Oh, f*** yeah.

You know what?

Enjoy being alone,

whack job.

- Found him!

- Wow, stalker much?

- What should I say?

- I'm a lonely psychopath

that look you up

within an hour of meeting you.

- Yes, I should wait

until morning.

- Then he'll think

you obsessed about him

all night.

Don't you know anything

about the internet?

You should make a fake profile.

- What?

- Pretend to be

a total random stranger

so you can find out

all his personal details.

People are honest

with strangers.

My fake name

is Tittsy Montgomery.

- I could find out

if he wants

a serious relationship.

- I was thinking more

like cock size but whatever.

You need the perfect

fake picture

and I know the perfect person.

- Holy rim job,

who is that?

- My incredibly hot ex BF,

Ryan.

He's a stripper.

He was supposed to be

my rebound after Troy

broke my heart

but he has a good tongue,

so I let him stay.

- Why did you break up

with that?

- What if your boyfriend

finds out?

- We have

an open relationship.

- Uhh, we do?

- Ryan, this is not

what it looks like.

- Neither is this.

- We had commitment issues.

Anyway, he moved to Tucson

so it's totally safe

to use his pictures.

- Why would I want Zack

to talk to someone

way hotter than I am.

- When's the last time

you opened up

to an ugly stranger?

Besides, you find out

what you need to know,

then Ryan will disappear.

A fake profile

is the perfect wingman.

- Okay.

Okay, let's do this.

What's my name?

- Ryan.

- Ryan.

Do you agree to the following

terms and conditions.

Number one,

GaySpaceBook.com...

- Agree, you nerd!

- You should really

read these things,

you never know.

- What are you, a pilgrim?

I bet you avoid

handicap spaces. And vote.

- Favorite movie?

Roman Holiday, of course.

Straight acting or not?

- Put, "I'm gay,

"why should I act anything

but what I am."

- Oh, you are scary good,

girl.

- Come on, breakup sex.

You are a hottie, let's hope

you're next door

cause I don't feel like driving.

blip-blip-blip-blip

- Looking for?

First I want to develop

something special with you,

then we f*** each other's

brains out.

Perfect combination

of romantic and nasty, right?

- Whatever,

no one reads those,

just write them.

- Oh yeah, oh...

- Yummy.

- Oh, my God, it's him.

What do I do?

What do I write?

- Write what you know.

Well, in your case, don't.

- You're not helping.

- Gotta play it cool.

- Hey.

That's so romantic.

- Kindly help

a broken hearted stranger

with hours of meaningless sex!

- Oh God, yes.

- So, get to know me.

- Oh sh*t!

Can he see us?

- No.

My camera's not on.

- Oh.

- Likely story.

So, ask away.

Thanks for starting off easy.

I didn't want to put up

with his sh*t anymore.

You know how you tell yourself

that it's gonna get better?

You know it's not,

but you hang on

to any little good thing

he does

to prove that it might

get better.

Well, I guess

there weren't any.

Then it was just

the really hot sex.

Yeah.

How do you know

what the little good things are?

Okay, try me.

- You're an artist.

I'd take you to a museum.

You look like

a basketball fan.

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