Eating Out: All You Can Eat Page #3

Lakers tickets.

Massage, good bottle of wine.

And little things

like bringing you

something to drink

without you having to ask.

- Well done, Ms. Cleo.

- What can I do

to get you to come over here

right now.

- Oh, strip.

- Date?

You already know me

inside and out,

I think I'm in love.

Wait, I know.

If you don't come over...

- He is not!

- Here's

what you'll be missing.

- Get out of my way!

Holy clit!

- Oh, my God.

- Oh sh*t.

- I cannot believe...

- You spilled

your Sunny Delight.

How could you?

- You owe me a computer!

And a boyfriend.

- He's a fake.

No one can be that hot

and that nice,

it's against the nature.

- But he has tons

of profile pictures,

he must be real.

- You still believe

The Hills is real.

- If he was a fake,

he would've watched me jack off.

- I just threw up

a little bit in my p*ssy.

- Maybe it's not

a good idea for us to hang out?

I don't believe you.

- Zack's single now,

so the reason we invented Ryan

doesn't matter anymore.

I mean, why keep up

the charade?

- Why email him at all?

Just disappear.

You're still

pretending to be Ryan,

even if it is just

to dump him.

- I'm just being polite.

- You're just keeping him

and his pretty dick hanging on,

so you still have access

to him

in case he doesn't go

for exhibit A.

- You're right.

If he normally gets prime rib

like Ryan,

why would he settle for...

- Turkey burger?

- I blew it, Mr. Fake

doesn't wanna meet me.

- Because he's not real.

- I came on too strong.

- Gay men hate guys

who do that.

- He was trying

to get to know me

but I went from zero

to sixty-nine.

- There are millions of men

who can f*** first

and then fall in love.

- But I don't want other men,

I want him.

- My mom warned me

I was turning into a fag hag.

- You're not a fag hag.

- I'm gonna be a fat spinster

whose only sexual outlet

is sucking off drunken homos.

- You'd suck me off

if I were drunk, right?

- My fag hag days

are over.

- Now separate

the finger nails

from the toe nails.

- Ew, what?

- Busy work.

You still have

fifteen minutes left.

- I must get ready

for my date.

- It's not a date,

queef-cake.

- It's a date,

he just doesn't know it yet.

- My, my, look who went

and downloaded some balls.

- He might've seen

Ryan's picture online

last night,

but he was talking to me.

We have a connection.

At least we will

by the end of the night.

- F***, I've got

to see this.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Oh, no problem,

I had nothing else to do.

Wait, that sounds bad.

- No it doesn't,

you just moved here.

- I...I drafted up

some ideas

for the male sale flyers.

I Google-imaged you.

- Whoa, these are great.

Thanks for giving me

extra abs.

- Those are yours

and you know it.

- Thanks for the ego boost,

I could really use one

right about now.

- I'm sorry

about your breakup.

- How did you know?

- Oh! I...

- Lionel?

He's a big f***ing mouth.

- That's one of the reasons

I don't like the gay community.

- I think the gay community

is more diverse

than you give it credit for.

- Well, I think he's crazy

for breaking up with you.

- I broke up with him.

- Sorry.

- No big deal.

He's not what's bothering me.

I met this guy online

last night, Ryan, oh, my God.

You have never seen

anything like him,

and he was so totally into me

until I blew it.

- You think you blew it?

- Yeah, I got too sexual.

A fatal flaw.

- Well, if he was just

a hot body, those are...

- It was more than that.

This guy connected with me.

He was smart and funny

and he knew me.

- He sounds too good

to be true.

- Yeah, he probably

is fake.

I can't believe

I'm telling you all this.

I normally don't talk to guys

about my social life.

- You seem

pretty comfortable.

- You make me feel

comfortable, Casey.

- Hey, maybe sometime

you and I could...

- Oh my God, that's him.

How do I look?

- Huh?

- How do I look?

- Uh...gorgeous.

Are you sure...

- Wish me luck.

- Good f***ing luck.

- Hey, Ryan1989.

- Hey...you.

- I was beginning to think

you were imaginary like

a smurf or something.

- Nope, I'm all real.

- You can say that again.

- Mind if I don't?

- We're both here,

you wanna give this a shot

and go out some night?

- Uuh...

- Ryan, look who's back.

Don't they have stripper poles

in Tucson?

- Tiffany, did you get

a boob job?

- No, I'm still saving up.

- What's going on?

- Casey, this is Ryan

from the Internet.

You look so much better

than your pictures, doesn't he?

- Now, how would Casey

have seen Ryan's cute

little disco boy picture.

- Yeah, you mean

my picture with the headband

and yellow gym shorts.

- Yellow mesh gym shorts.

Rarrr.

And then there's that one

where you're on the beach

with some blond chick

and your bulge.

- Yeah, Ryan loves

nailing blonds.

- Yeah, but I love

nailing brunettes, too.

- Brunette women,

Ryan's straight,

we used to f***.

I took that picture.

- He wasn't straight

last night.

- Yeah, after

f***ing Tiffani

I just gave up on women.

It happens to you a lot, huh?

- Oh, you little cum monkey.

- So, let's give this

a shot.

When do you want to hang out?

- Ugh, this sucks.

I just set up

the hottest couple

in the universe.

When their hot muscled bodies

come together,

they'll probably form

like Voltron or something.

- He's lying.

If Ryan's gay,

I'll eat my own twat.

- What kind of straight guy

goes on a date

with another man?

- He was a stripper

at a gay bar.

He would clean a toilet

with his dick for a dollar.

He's just trying

to get back at me.

- Oh...

Zack wanna talk to me

about what they should do

on their Barbie dream date

because I make him feel

comfortable.

- No smiley.

This is serious.

My God, you're like

his fag hag now.

- I hate my life.

- Casey, great,

you can do my back.

Oh my God, are you ok?

- Yeah, it's just

a little ouchy, that's all.

- Ouchy?

- Never mind, it's fine.

- Good. Squirt me.

- Okay.

- God, I'm as nervous

as Isaiah Washington's

hairdresser.

- About the date?

- Yes, about the date.

He was so hot and cold

at the caf.

Isn't he cute?

- I'm not really

into guys that...hot.

- Really?

Okay, your turn.

- Oh, I'm not

a taking off my shirt in public

kind of guy.

- Don't tell me you have

body issues.

Take it off or I will.

- Okay, okay.

You know, when we, mere mortals,

are around gods like you,

how can we not...

- Please, you've got

a great body.

And, besides, some guys

like 'em not all exercised.

Here.

So what should I do

on my date?

- You mean besides sex?

- I don't want it to be

about sex.

When we chatted online

he had all these ideas

for great things to do

and I wanna come up

with some great idea, too.

- Ok, well what's your dream

first date?

- Wow, I guess I never

really thought about it.

- You've never fantasized

about the perfect first date?

- I was too busy

going on real dates.

- A**hole.

- Well, clearly

someone's thought about it.

Tell me yours, Romeo.

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