Eating Out: All You Can Eat Page #4

- Okay.

We're in Italy, well, Rome.

- Oh, my God,

are you serious?

I'm obsessed with Italy.

- You are?

- Yeah, I've been wanting

to go to Italy

since I was like three.

I'm going after graduation

if I can save enough cash.

I've got like $3,200 saved

so far.

- I can't wait to go.

Someday.

- Well, I can't exactly

take Ryan to Italy tonight.

So, do you got any dream dates

that are a little more

practical?

- Okay, well my dream date,

it's intimate.

Like I make him dinner

so it's personal.

- Yeah, something

at your place,

just the two of you,

no distractions.

- Yeah, and maybe I'd have

a fun theme for the meal.

- Italian.

- Perfetto.

- Pasta, pinot grigio,

some funky Italian music.

- That's all I'd need

because the best first dates

are the ones

where the conversation's

just really easy.

- And it flows cause

you're both listening

to each other

like you're focused.

- And there are

those moments

when you're looking

into each other's eyes,

wondering if maybe he's thinking

the same thing.

- That sometime tonight

we're gonna...

- Kiss.

- Exactly.

Kiss.

Oh my God!

- What?

- You totally inspired me,

I have the perfect date.

Scoot.

He's not gonna know

what hit him.

I can't thank you enough.

- Well, text me

if you need help!

Text me if you need help.

- If you're trying

to stop me, it won't work.

- If you think

going on a fake gay date

will make me jealous,

you're dumber

than a flock of Palins.

- I don't want that,

I just wanna piss you off.

- You cheated too!

- It's not about that,

it's about you putting pubes

in my protein powder

the next day.

- They weren't even mine.

- And poking holes

in my contact lenses,

Putting crabs in my drawer.

And using my toothbrush

to clean the...

- Ok, I'm a jealous woman.

But at least I feel something.

You're an emotionless stripper

who uses his body

as a bargaining chip.

And that's not gonna

get you anything

but a dirty dollar bill

shoved up your ass.

- You're fat.

Have a good night.

I know I will.

- Ryan, right on time.

- Hey, look,

I gotta talk to you

about this Internet thing.

- I know, me too,

come on in.

I saw on your profile

that Roman Holiday

is your favorite movie.

It's also mine.

So I've got

a special little tour for you,

come on.

As you know,

when Audrey Hepburn

sneaks out of the consulate,

Gregory Peck shows her

the sights of Rome.

So here we have

the Sistine Chapel,

painted by Michelangelo.

Italian wine.

Next we have an exact replica

of the Trevi Fountain.

- That's pretty cool.

- And our last stop

is the mouth of truth,

you know,

the most famous scene

in the movie.

- Yeah.

- So put your hand

in its mouth

and if you're lying to me

it'll get bitten off.

And don't tell my landlord

about the hole.

- Rarrr!

- You scared the sh*t

out of me!

- Your hand's still here.

I knew you wouldn't lie to me.

- You're an amazing guy

and I don't deserve you.

I gotta go.

- Text me, text me,

text me, text me.

I love you, Zack!

- It's nice to have a friend

who will listen

to my romantic problems.

- I told you to text me

if you needed help and you did.

And I'm here to help.

- Can you help me

find a boyfriend?

- Oh my God,

is that the mouth of truth?

- Yeah, his profile said

his favorite movie

was Roman Holiday, so.

- You did that for him?

- It's stupid.

- It's the most

romantic thing

I've ever seen.

See, I'm telling the truth.

- Yeah, I actually had

this whole Roman Holiday tour.

There's the Colossum,

I ate half of it.

- Zack, there's something

I should tell you.

I haven't been honest with you.

I...

- Great, who's that?

Oh my God, Ryan?

- Hey man, there's something

I gotta tell you.

Oh, did you tell him?

- Tell me what?

- I was just about to.

- Of course you were.

That wasn't me

you were talking to online.

Him and Tiffani

made a fake profile

and used my picture.

- What?

- I don't even

have a profile.

I'm not even gay.

- Zack,

it's not what it sounds like.

- Did you pretend to be him?

- Yes, but it was only

because I didn't want

to look like a stalker,

which I know I totally like now.

- My first

genuine conversation in years

was with a total fake.

And why?

So you can f*** me?

- No, I mean yes,

I mean more than that.

The things I said were true.

- Dude, if you liked him,

why didn't you just tell him.

- And you let me take you

on that whole f***ing tour

like some kind of idiot.

Get the f*** out!

Both of you.

- Zack, I'm sorry.

Is that...

- Get out!

- I was in the middle

of telling him, you know.

- Sorry man,

it was a crappy thing

you guys did.

- I just wanted

to get his attention.

- You coulda got it

without getting

all stalker-azzi on him.

- With guys like you

walking around?

- Even if I was gay,

it wouldn't have worked out.

He was less

into what I looked like

and more into what you said.

Anyway, sorry.

- No, it's my own damn fault.

- This is Tandy,

impress me.

And if you're

one of my gay friends

and just had a bad date,

I'm not calling you back

for three days.

Because I'm not a fag hag!

- Casey, right?

- Yeah.

- I'm Harry.

That's my name,

not that I am hairy.

Honey, what's wrong?

You look like Liberace

after they put the seat back

on his piano stool.

Wrong generation.

Never mind.

You look like you could use

some company tonight.

- Oh, I'm not interested.

- On, no, darling.

You're adorable

but you're far too young for me.

Us in bed would be

like teaching calculus

to a preschooler.

No.

Sex with men

who have the maturity

of an experienced lover,

there's nothing quite like it.

- T.M.I.

- Pardon?

- Nothing.

- Let me guess.

Some strapping thing

has broken your heart.

- Is it that obvious?

- Either that or Miley Cyrus

died.

See, I'm not that dated.

- Yeah, it's a guy.

No, no, it's me.

I was a complete jerk.

And I knew it

while it was happening

but I did it anyway.

And now I'll never

get to show Zack

what a great boyfriend I can be.

Now I'll never even have

a boyfriend.

And I'll wind up alone

until I'm all old and...

Sorry.

- Oh dear heart,

there's worse things

than not having a boyfriend.

Like trudging bare foot uphill

through five miles of snow

just to find the nearest

homosexual saloon.

It was a joke.

I'm not that old.

- You're not?

- Well now,

that was just not pretty.

All I'm saying is,

as dark as it may seem,

I think your generation

has it pretty easy

when it comes to finding

all the other fish

in the sea.

I bet you're thinking

right now

that the obvious solution

is something that I used to do

when I was trying

to get over someone.

- What's that?

- Well I used to think

that a good roll in the hay

would be all I needed

but I was wrong.

Sleeping with someone

to get over someone else

never works.

- Casey, right?

- Yeah.

- Trust me on this,

it never works.

- You want to go somewhere

and talk?

- Never.

- Sure.

- Never learn.

- That drink was strong,

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